Do not read beauty magazines, they only make you feel ugly.

[judecorp]

I think that tonight I'm going to play "catch up" with my life. I was supposed to have plans with qaphsiel, but for various and sundry reasons, we've decided to postpone.

There's so much that I haven't done because I've been running around in other states or entertaining people from other states or spending a lot of time on the telephone. I've just been compiling a list, and let me tell you, it's a little daunting.

There is currently no food in my house because I haven't had a chance to go grocery shopping in weeks and weeks. There are a number of things I need to do around the house that require things I need at the grocery store (like cat litter, for one). There are a number of things I've wanted to do for some time, like finish watching The Celluloid Closet, like look for things to put in my office, like take an autumn walk through my neighborhood. Hopefully I'll do all of that this evening.

In the meantime, I'm finding myself internally conflicted again. My desires are always so crystal clear and concrete when there's something keeping me from them. Then the pathway opens and I deliberate, balk, deliberate, get excited, deliberate, get scared. I am perpetually five years old, always wanting what I think I can't have, and then when I get it, not being sure if I wanted it in the first place.

I would like people to challenge me on this and other issues sometimes. But which people? Not all of them, certainly. That definitely would run up against the boundaries I erect in different circles, with different people. Why do most of my very best and most trusted friends live so far away? I wonder, too, if I do that on purpose as well. Aren't our lives largely choice-driven? I miss Wiley.

I've had too much free time at work today. I've done too much thinking and I'm in a morose state of mind. I'll go back to my list of things to do and just try to cross them all off - that usually helps.

Comments

[siercia]

Do you really think our lives are largely choice driven?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Absolutely.

Some things happen that are out of my control. For example, my father had a heart attack in December, and I had nothing to do with that, yet I had to deal with it. However, this event was not without control - the way he lived his life certainly helped control the situation, but even on my end, I had a choice as to how I was going to react and cope.

I believe that I have a say in every single thing that happens to me, if for no other reason than I can choose how I will handle my feelings, as well as any consequences that will arise. Yes, it stinks that my friends live all over the place, or that I am far away from my best friends. Still, I chose where I was going to live.

I can't control the actions of other people, but as we all know, when it comes to interrelations between people, nothing is ever entirely one-sided - so there's me, controlling things somewhat.

So, umm... Yes. :)

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

Well, we know where to find each other. IM, phone, email. I miss you too. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I miss the days when I could IM at work. I mean, I could probably try here, but I'd rather not get fired. I think I'm pushing it just doing this. Heh.

I should email you, and soon. Of course, I've been terrible at email this month because I've almost always had someone in my house (or I've been out of it).

Okay, enough excuses, I'll email you. :) :)