Challenges

[judecorp]

I miss academia, if only for the challenge of writing. Without a deadline, I tend to push things further and further back until they no longer exist. I also don't focus as well when I'm not required to come up with writing topics. When I was going through one of my Rubbermaid storage bins, I came across some of the writings I've done both for schools and for work at GLBTSS. I miss writing academically, especially in queer studies and gender studies. I'm thankful for people like noog and transientdyke who have gotten my mind moving in the past. Currently, lilith7879 has put out the idea of a collection of essays on being transgender and feminist, and my mind has started working again.

Earlier, Kelli posted an excerpt from SARK, whom I adore. Sorry, Kelli, but I'm stealing a chunk of it for reproduction. Forgive me. Love is messy, inconvenient, and often annoying. This is not spoken of enough. When you are single, it is tempting to gaze at couples longingly and wonder, "Why not me?" When you are part of a couple, sometimes you look at single people and wonder, "When can I do that again?" Being in Love is not better. It is different. This really affected me, not only because I have tremendous respect for SARK and her honesty and poignance, but because the timing of the post was impeccable. I try to think that I'm a level-headed, rational, intelligent person... but when it comes to love, I admit it, I'm a big doofus. When things are great, I tell myself that this is what makes the messy parts worth it. Heck, I even tell Jennifer to remind me, when I'm freaking out, about the things I've said when things are great. And then things get messy, and I stand there with that, "Why me?" attitude running through my head, and the thoughts of being single and how "stress free" they were. This is true in some ways, I suppose, but only because it's easier to deal with one variable (aka person) instead of two.

But you know what? I'm /not/ single. And sure, I have a choice, sort of, to /be/ single, but I tried that last summer and it really didn't work out well. I spent the summer kissing girls, but not enough to keep my mind off of her. I spent the summer meeting wonderful people who were cool to hang out with, while wanting to be with someone else. I spent the summer living out the single life I seem to be so enamored with but not feeling terribly enamored - especially when I got phone calls from the ocean. And so I'm /not/ single. I'm in Love. And being in Love is not better or worse than being single - it's just different, it just is. So the challenge, for me, is to stop thinking about better, and to just live my life and my Love.

With work, we can stay together and keep our separate identities. This is true. But it's been foolish of me to try to think of ways to keep the "perks" of being in Love with the "perks" of being single. Having a loving, warm body to curl up with when you have a nightmare also means that sometimes you have a burning up, ill body next to you who can't stop coughing, even at 4am. Having someone to come home to also means that you have someone at home sometimes when you want to be alone. Having an immediate companion when you want to run to a store or a restaurant also means that sometimes you can't spontaneously have people over or take off somewhere. But when you think of Love, you don't think of coughing or lack of personal space. Instead, you think of sunsets and soft music and candles. Why? Love isn't better. It is different.

I have read 17 books (that I managed to write down) so far this calendar year. That's not a lot. I need to read more books, to read different kinds of books, to spend more time reading. I'd like to read at least one book per week. I need to get my mind working again.

Challenges: write academically, Love realistically, read more. I'm a goal-oriented boy, this should work.

Soccer practice.

Comments

[transientdyke.livejournal.com]

I'd like to read at least one book per week. I need to get my mind working again.

That's how I feel as well - I've been reading Stephen King to get back into the habit of always having something to read, so hopefully it'll carry over into more, uh, intellectual books.

Perhaps we should start a book club of some type, pick a book that a group of us are interested in and read and discuss. I have a hard time reading feminist texts if I don't get the chance to discuss them; that's another reason I miss school so much. Reading isn't the same without group interaction, I like to hear what other people have to say.

[noog.livejournal.com]

I have, of course, been reading gender-related stuff for my classes, but lately when I want to read for entertainment, it's manga for me. And for me, manga is a challenge, because it pushes the limits of my Japanese comprehension, but still... it's been a while since I really read a feminist text for fun. Really read, as in I really made an effort to grapple with the ideas.

So I think a feminist/queer/etc. book group is a good idea. It might be hard for me to acquire books in Japan, but once I get back to the States, I'd like to be part of it. (Unless, of course, we start with books that I own but haven't read yet...)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

When do you come back? I totally miss your brain, even if I /did/ drop the ball on the discussion about Kissing Jessica Stein. I saved the comment for two weeks planning to get back to it, but by the time I actually got a minute to think and type, I was like, "Shoot, this is ancient now."

Feh!

[noog.livejournal.com]

That's too bad; I was waiting to see how you'd reply to that. :)

I come back June 30, and I have an extra LJ invite code. Shall we set up a book club community and start reading then?

(P.S.: I understand the slow reading thing. It takes me time sometimes, and I have to do reading for my thesis this summer so I can't necessarily read tons of books either. I'm all for spacing book discussions out.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I totally should have replied. I've been really low on the intiative and the brain power, especially when it comes to the internet. Since I can't use the 'net at work, I have to cram all of my LJ and email and everything else into before and after work, when, of course, I want/need to do a million other things. So I'm sorry I dropped the ball on it.

Did you ever get my last letter? I sent it to your old host family because the lady hadn't gone bonkers yet... but in the time it takes to get the letter, she might have snapped.

[noog.livejournal.com]

I did get the new letter. But I haven't written anybody in ages because my classwork of late is taking me too much time. I should have let you know, though. Sorry. :(

Just out of curiosity, why'd you defriend my other journal...?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I took the other journal off because you hadn't written in it in forever, and I thought maybe you weren't going to use it anymore.

Are you still using it? I'll put it back!

[noog.livejournal.com]

I just wrote in it a few days ago, in fact. It appeared to me that you had taken it off the list right after I had written in it, so I thought you were offended by something I had written. Oopsies!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha! No, I took it off a while back, waaaaaay back. Oops.

[grrlpower.livejournal.com]

you beat me to my rally cry of "boooooook cluuuuuub!!"

I've been reading a bit lately, nothing too deep that I can't curl up with it for an hour here and there, but they've been interesting nonetheless. "More, Now, Again" by Elizabeth Wurtzel of Prozac Nation and Bitch fame, about her struggle with Ritalin Addiction. "What Dreams May Come" about life after.. life, and now "10th Grade", a novel written from the perspective of a 10th grader. All pretty light, but still thought-provoking in their own ways. I also joined the LJ community village_voice which is a book club, though the community isn't terribly busy.

Just some thoughts...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I actually have been wanting to read Elizabeth Wurtzel for some time. What do you think of the books?

You're reading fascinating books. Much more fascinating than Courtney Love: The Real Story. Then again, I found it in a geocache. :)

Re:

[grrlpower.livejournal.com]

oh, I read that one a long time ago :) By ... Poppy Brite, right? If not.... hm. I may hafta read that too. (did you know the only time I crowd-surfed was at a Hole show, and another time I was within 2 feet of Courntney as she sat on the shoulders of one of her stage-diver bouncer guys? of course ya didn't! :) )

I really enjoy Elizabeth's books... she is SOOOO intelligent, but it's as though it's too much for her and she is unable to function "properly" in society. They're truly tragic. I'm very excited about the Prozac Nation movie as well b/c in the introduction to More Now Again she thanks Christina Ricci and says she played it perfectly...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's the Poppy Z. Brite book. I'm thoroughly fascinated by Courtney Love - everything is so extreme. When I was younger, I was really fascinated by Nancy Spungen, so it's like a lot of the same thing.

I'll have to check out those books, especially Prozac Nation since it's going to be a movie and all. I hate seeing movies without reading the books first.

Of course, next on the line-up of books is some book I stole from Jen. Hrm.

Re:

[grrlpower.livejournal.com]

you know that Courtney played (or just wanted to play)? Nancy in some movie, right?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Wanted to play. In Sid and Nancy. The part of Nancy was given to Chloe Webb, and Sid Vicious was played by Gary Oldman. The director really liked Courtney, though, so he created a part in the movie (one of Nancy's friends) for her.

Yes. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I would love to be a part of a book club, but I hesitate to do so for a couple of reasons. First, I read a whole lot slower than most of my peers, and to really comprehend what I've read, I have to go even slower. It takes me a lot longer to get through a book than a lot of people, and I'd be lagging behind all the time. Second, since the job I work at thoroughly exhausts me, I don't get a chance to read every night, which I would need to do in order to keep up.

I'd be even more hesitant to get involved in a book club online, because there's twice as much text I'd have to plow through and comprehend, since the discussion would occur in a text-based medium.

Still, with intellectual hotties like yourself, how could I say no?

[swisscheesed.livejournal.com]

I am in love. I like being in love. With Tariq; with Tariq.

*goofy smile*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Hee. You're cute.

*vomit*

[swisscheesed.livejournal.com]

:p

[shadist.livejournal.com]

*smiles*

As with all things love is very give and take.

Same about being single.


The only problem is that you can often chose to be single. . . yet its hard to chose not to be in love anymore.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The only problem is that you can often chose to be single. . . yet its hard to chose not to be in love anymore.

This is very true. I've tried, and failed.

Re:

[shadist.livejournal.com]

Same here.

A few times.