Challenges

[judecorp]

I miss academia, if only for the challenge of writing. Without a deadline, I tend to push things further and further back until they no longer exist. I also don't focus as well when I'm not required to come up with writing topics. When I was going through one of my Rubbermaid storage bins, I came across some of the writings I've done both for schools and for work at GLBTSS. I miss writing academically, especially in queer studies and gender studies. I'm thankful for people like noog and transientdyke who have gotten my mind moving in the past. Currently, lilith7879 has put out the idea of a collection of essays on being transgender and feminist, and my mind has started working again.

Earlier, Kelli posted an excerpt from SARK, whom I adore. Sorry, Kelli, but I'm stealing a chunk of it for reproduction. Forgive me. Love is messy, inconvenient, and often annoying. This is not spoken of enough. When you are single, it is tempting to gaze at couples longingly and wonder, "Why not me?" When you are part of a couple, sometimes you look at single people and wonder, "When can I do that again?" Being in Love is not better. It is different. This really affected me, not only because I have tremendous respect for SARK and her honesty and poignance, but because the timing of the post was impeccable. I try to think that I'm a level-headed, rational, intelligent person... but when it comes to love, I admit it, I'm a big doofus. When things are great, I tell myself that this is what makes the messy parts worth it. Heck, I even tell Jennifer to remind me, when I'm freaking out, about the things I've said when things are great. And then things get messy, and I stand there with that, "Why me?" attitude running through my head, and the thoughts of being single and how "stress free" they were. This is true in some ways, I suppose, but only because it's easier to deal with one variable (aka person) instead of two.

But you know what? I'm /not/ single. And sure, I have a choice, sort of, to /be/ single, but I tried that last summer and it really didn't work out well. I spent the summer kissing girls, but not enough to keep my mind off of her. I spent the summer meeting wonderful people who were cool to hang out with, while wanting to be with someone else. I spent the summer living out the single life I seem to be so enamored with but not feeling terribly enamored - especially when I got phone calls from the ocean. And so I'm /not/ single. I'm in Love. And being in Love is not better or worse than being single - it's just different, it just is. So the challenge, for me, is to stop thinking about better, and to just live my life and my Love.

With work, we can stay together and keep our separate identities. This is true. But it's been foolish of me to try to think of ways to keep the "perks" of being in Love with the "perks" of being single. Having a loving, warm body to curl up with when you have a nightmare also means that sometimes you have a burning up, ill body next to you who can't stop coughing, even at 4am. Having someone to come home to also means that you have someone at home sometimes when you want to be alone. Having an immediate companion when you want to run to a store or a restaurant also means that sometimes you can't spontaneously have people over or take off somewhere. But when you think of Love, you don't think of coughing or lack of personal space. Instead, you think of sunsets and soft music and candles. Why? Love isn't better. It is different.

I have read 17 books (that I managed to write down) so far this calendar year. That's not a lot. I need to read more books, to read different kinds of books, to spend more time reading. I'd like to read at least one book per week. I need to get my mind working again.

Challenges: write academically, Love realistically, read more. I'm a goal-oriented boy, this should work.

Soccer practice.

Comments

[noog.livejournal.com]

I did get the new letter. But I haven't written anybody in ages because my classwork of late is taking me too much time. I should have let you know, though. Sorry. :(

Just out of curiosity, why'd you defriend my other journal...?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I took the other journal off because you hadn't written in it in forever, and I thought maybe you weren't going to use it anymore.

Are you still using it? I'll put it back!

[noog.livejournal.com]

I just wrote in it a few days ago, in fact. It appeared to me that you had taken it off the list right after I had written in it, so I thought you were offended by something I had written. Oopsies!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha! No, I took it off a while back, waaaaaay back. Oops.