Televised Biphobia

[judecorp]

I'm currently irritated with "Boy Meets Boy." This is a shame, because I also derive so much guilty pleasure from it. I mean, I get to ogle tasty boys (and laugh at them at the same time), I get to be envious of their haircuts, I get to test my gaydar, and I get to make fun of Andra. These are all pluses, and because of this I, too, have been sucked into the world of Reality Television. But I am irritated.

Now, I know that Michael proved to be straight in the end, but he was presenting as bisexual for the purpose of the show, and he was "honest" about it (by this I mean, he /said/ he was bisexual, and stood by it, even though it wasn't true). I was appalled by the reactions of the rest of the guys. They immediately cast their suspicions on his motives, even though the cast members don't know (except for the straight ones, I guess) that some of the mates are straight. They asked all sorts of qualifying questions to test his queerness: How many men have you slept with? When was the last time you slept with a woman? and then Why are you on this show?

I'm really tired of biphobia from the gay community. We talk all the time about the Kinsey scale, and we use this as justification for our assumptions that there are more queer people out there than we can statistically take credit for. We talk about how rare the "true heterosexual" is, how nearly everyone has some same-sex desire, yet we shun bisexuals at the same time. Perhaps we're envious or angered by their ability to "blend in" to straight society when they are in opposite-sex relationships. But perhaps we're just plain stupid.

There are just as many people on the "totally gay" side of the Kinsey scale as there are on the "totally straight" side (a number we like to remind the population is very small). How many people in same-sex relationships have been in previous relationships with members of the opposite sex that were fulfilling, whether emotionally, physically, or both? I know I have. It would do my exes /and/ myself an incredible disservice if I chose to deny the emotions felt, the connections made, the valiant attempts at something big. It would do us all wrong to deny the ways these interactions have carved and honed my personality, my inner self.

If I ever have another romantic relationship after Jennifer, and that relationship is with a male-identified person, that doesn't, in any way, cheapen the love we shared, the bond we formed with our words and our hearts and our bodies. Just as my relationship with her does not erase, eliminate, or lessen the ties I formed with my ex-husband, my ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, or ex-trannies. It doesn't change who I am, or my queerness, or how I see myself. It doesn't change the boystuff and the girlstuff inside me, and it doesn't change the fact that I am still somewhere in the middle of that Kinsey soup.

And you know what? That guy Michael, even though he was outed as "straight" when he was eliminated? He's got to be in that soup somewhere too, just to have the balls to be on that show, and the balls to say outloud in a room full of gay men and a hawkish television audience, the word 'bisexual.' And to stand by that claim. Bravo, Michael. I do believe that one benefit of this show is to educate mainstream society about gay men and to confront stereotypes. But I think the show's microcosm of Our Community could use a little education, too.

(Maybe later I'll rant about my other irritations with the show, even as I'm captively awaiting the next episode.)

Comments

[crazyveigh.livejournal.com]

I don't see the big deal anyway. Is it just gays that are insecure with whether or not they are REALLY just gay and not bi themself?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I think that might be part of it. I think there's a lot of insecurity out there - I know that people have told me that they "would be afraid to date someone who is bisexual, because they would hate to be left for someone of the opposite sex." I guess it's a worry that they "won't be enough," just like exes sometimes worry that they "turned someone gay." *shrug*

I think a lot of times gayness becomes a contest - who is the MOST GAY? Bisexuals always lose this contest, because just admitting that they have attraction for the opposite sex must lower the Gayness Factor.

Bleh. I dunno. Maybe someone can explain it or justify it better than I can.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

At the same time, I don't know if I would want to be someone's "sexuality experiment," either.

Then again, someone had to take a chance on me, right?

[auntiesiannan.livejournal.com]

I got pissed off at the show from the first episode, when he kicked that delicious black guy out who was such a fine catch. Stupid.

So far I've been pretty good at sussing out the straight ones.

And Andra gets uglier every week. My GOD, its like Miss Gulch the Phag Hag. Those PIGTAILS, oy.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that guy seemed good. What I want to know is, why was there only one person of color? Was that to make the gay guys more palatable to our racist mainstream audience, as if to not "rock the boat" on too many levels?

Bleh.

[auntiesiannan.livejournal.com]

I know! Why weren't there some DL boys or Asian guys or, especially since they're in SoCal, Latino boys?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Last night, I started calling Andra "horse mouth." Was she that gross at the beginning of the show? She's all pimply now, too. She is seriously annoying me with her crying.

[auntiesiannan.livejournal.com]

Exactly. What the fuck is she mewling over all the time? Unless she looked in a mirror.

Last night when he asked her how she liked the spa, I said "Oh, it was nice, they gave me all these beauty treatments and NONE OF THEM WORKED."

She's like Miss Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies, but not as butch.

[spacecadetjen.livejournal.com]

Personally I thought the show was kind of a mean concept. I haven't watched any of it, but I thought it was mean to let this guy fall in love with a guy and then find out that the guy is really not interested. That's super-cruel in my opinion. >:-(

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

That's the "catch" to a lot of the shows now, though. There's one called "For Love or Money," where a person is trying to find a match out of 15 eligibles, and what s/he doesn't know is that when s/he picks their person, that person can choose a relationship or a million dollars.

So you could totally think you found something with someone, and that person could say, "Sorry, I'm just in it for the money. Thanks!" And it's a strong lure... I mean, relationships don't always work, but a million dollars is always a million dollars, you know?

They're all mean. But what I don't like is that HALF of the guys are straight. He's been pretty good about weeding the straight ones out, mostly because there hasn't been chemistry (DUH, they're straight!)... so it's like, he's on this dating show, and instead of 15 eligibles, he really only has 8. SUCK.

I was talking with Jen about this at lunch. What is the appeal for the straight guys to be on the show? Exposure, sure, but what else? How does it help them to be like, "I'm an ass who got to dump a gay guy on tv" or "I'm so great, everyone thought I was gay." Who cares?

[pica-nc.livejournal.com]

By my mind, bisexual means someone who's biological sexual attraction is both hetero and homosexual. I always figured "bi" to mean they are both gay and straight, at the same time. I learned over time that I wasn't both gay and straight; I was one and not the other. I love regardless of gender, but when talking about sex, I respond to homo-sexual attraction.

Long way back to my point, I equate the rejection of bisexuality by the homosexual culture to racism. I don't get it; and it burns me. It is hypocrisy at it's finest.

I'm not sure I embrace the "I don't want to be someone's sexual experiment" thing. Your first time is your first time, no matter what you're having sex with. It's ALL an experiment, when you aren't sure of the outcome. I didn't have to commit to a life of lesbianity before I was allowed to have sex with a woman, nor did I have to commit to heterosexuality simply because I'd once been engaged to a man. Any time someone has a sexual experience for the first time, it's an experiment. Hell, different positions are experimenting!

I think bis get a bad rap. I haven't seen "Boy Meets Boy" but I'm holding my breath for "Coupling" to see how they portray their bisexual character.

And man, did I just pack your inbox... you can delete this comment if you want :)

[kieron.livejournal.com]

No one wants to be anyone's experiment. Especially if they arne't informed that it *is* an experiment and find out later. For a long time Bisexual people were the "them" in the microcosym of the gay community. Not so much now, but they still get crap. And lesbians still get crap from gay men. And Drag Queens who happen to be gay as well get crap from "manly men" who happen to be gay. We all, to a degree force others into compartments and then sort those compartments out to our comfort levels.

We cannot, however, as a community fighting for equal rights with heterosexual people, segregate ourselves this way. You, Jude, me a nd a bunch of others agree on this point. But it does happen.

Being intimate with someone, however, is a scary thing for a lot of people - including me. Heh. It used to scare the crap out of me - yet I wanted it. I probably was one of those baby dykes who shied away from bisexual women for alot of reasons, not the least of which being the who seeming wishy washiness of it. I was young and scared and inexperienced.

Today I love whom I love and much like what you expressed, I crave intimacy with someone wearing the female form. Perhaps society has built people who are biologically female a certain way through peer pressure and society demands and whatever - but that is what I like and what I am drawn to.

Today, however, I am in love with a woman who doesn't always feel indentified as a woman and I still love her. I will love her. She also is not some die hard lesbian. She, as you may know, has her past that includes men in intimate situations...and maybe I have grown up. Lucky for me falling for Jude has opened my eyes about a lot of things and I am still learning.

I don't want to be an experiment for anyone because of what that intimacy costs me and means to me. But I also don't think we should be predjudiced towards others the same way we whine and complain and rightly argue that we are predjudiced against by the straight world.


Blah...that thar is my piece and I am sticking to it!:)


Oh ...and I just thought of this.....Perhaps an ultierior motive of this show or it's producers is to prove or disprove the gaydar mythology?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You raise an excellent point - all sexual experiences are experiments, especially that first time with a certain someone. I suppose I cut myself short when I say, "I don't want to be someone's experiment."

I guess what I meant is that I don't want someone to "see if they like girls" using me. But you know, that's not true. I'm always talking out my ass about being so-and-so's "crossover girl," and luring her to the "dark side." So maybe I'm spouting bullshit.

I guess like a lot of people, I fear becoming attached to someone who isn't sure if she can even like me. I would be so torn up to get really into someone and then have her say, "I'm sorry. I tried, but I really need a man." In that way, I am just as guilty as those I criticize.

But that's just a /fear/. When push comes to shove, I wouldn't let someone's "status" get in the way of trying things out. Maybe it's the risk-taker in me, or the activist, or maybe it's just my heart. All I know is that I wouldn't want someone to use me just to figure out "if she liked girls." Heck, I don't want to be used, period.

So maybe I'm not as worried as I think. Who knows? It's certainly something to think about.

Like you, I respond sexually to the female body. And for this reason, I would imagine that any future lovers I would take would likely have female bodies, because I've come to realize how important sex is to me. I didn't know that before. But I'm not ready, at this point, to discount /any/ bodies, because I've cared for different genders in different bodies, and all of those experiences were valuable and fulfilling to me.

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

Wow, there is really a Kinsey scale? I'd never heard of such a thing. I'm so out of touch.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html

[infinite-love.livejournal.com]

I didn't catch last night's show. But I really like Boy Meets Boy for a lot of reasons. I think that beyond the entertainment of the game (find a guy to go on vacation with) there is alot of stereotypes being broken down. For the straight men that are on that show, and even for me. Every straight male that has gotten the reject, and has given his little speech at the end has stated something about the stereotypes of the gay male and how this show has shown them that gay men act pretty much the same as straight men. I have found myself even using my "gay-dar powers" as a lesbian/bisexual/whatever to try and pick out who is gay and who is straight based upon stereotypes. I was CERTAIN that Dan guy was gay. But he wasn't and I just assumed he was some gay boy player trying to get a free vacation :)

Andra is gross...Just plain gross. I can imagine what some of the more superficial mates have been saying about her. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Wow, I always suspected Dan was straight. He just seemed to be trying too hard, and couldn't keep his story (excuse the pun) straight. And, well, he just bugged the crap out of me. ;)

We've been pretty correct so far about the straight guys. My current irk is why most of them are SO YOUNG. James is like 34, but most of the eligible bachelors are twinkies.

Andra - UGH! Whiny whine whine whine.

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

I'm probably way late in replying to this and all, but hey!

I get annoyed by this as well. Just about every woman I have been involved with since accepting myself and being fairly out about who I am has been with a bi girl, even those who are predominantly into women and call themselves "lesbian, formerly bi" or something like that.

One of the things that pissed me off the most was being on a lesbian mail list up in Rochester back in 2001 when there was alot of public discussion of the breakups of Anne and Ellen and Melissa and Julie. The cries of "they were our poster couples; our role models," and the curses about "this is what happens when you get involved with bi women."

Of course the ideas of gay and straight with bi as an afterthought also bring in all sorts of questions about how a trans partner would affect one's perception of their orientation; especially if they were in a straight marriage that didn't break up at the time of transition (or a homosexual couple in the same situation, for that matter). Or what about those partners of the people who fall in the "cracks" of the bi-polar gender paradigm?

So, um, the whole bi-phobia in the community does bug me. And from the promos for this weeks episode, I got the impression that Andra was being the uber-protective fag-hag, making sure no guy was going to break her precious gay-boi's heart, and getting all pissed that this guy could have done so.

And, of course, NBC doesn't help by colouring this as an issue of either gay or straight in how they present the show, too.

I do have to say that one things that I haven't seem mentioned here, and it could be something that feeds into the "bi-phobia" is that some people on the right could end up viewing bi people who have ended a long-term homosexual relationship and entered a heterosexual one as "ex-gays". I think alot of militantly gay people see bi folk as "fence-sitters" who are giving examples to the straight people that "being gay is a choice, not an intrinsic part of one's personae."

Of course, I could be way off, too...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The cries of "they were our poster couples; our role models," and the curses about "this is what happens when you get involved with bi women."

Yeah, because /real/ gay women never break up, right? Ugh. I think it's really telling when we applaud and cheer when a woman who has been involved with men gets involved with a woman... but we freak out and practically lunch a woman who has been involved with women and then gets involved with a man.

I wonder if the bi girls are more receptive to you because they also float on the fringes of the lesbian community... or if, perhaps, they're reading you as in-between but still within their range of experience. I'd guess (and hope for) the former.

I would think that bisexuals who were in same-sex relationships and are now with opposite-sex partners would resist the right's claims of their "ex-gay" status. Most bisexuals I have met who are in opposite-sex relationships seem much more adamant about their bisexual orientation than those in same-sex relationships. I guess they don't want their queerness to be invisible. The right can make all the claims they want, but I don't think the bis will buy it.

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

Here I am again.....

I've really tried to force myself into choosing an orientation, and I really just never could.


But, I've fallen in love with both sexes, just as intensely.

Even down to the way I orgasm, either male or female could accomplish as it doesn't involve either genitalia.

I've had short hair my whole life, and when we would play house as kids, I was always the boy, because I had short hair. I think that's part of how the ball got rolling....

But...the more I tried to nail myself down to one orientation, the more confused I got.

So I just let it all go, and let my heart decide who to love, regardless of anything, including gender. I don't see myself as ex-gay, I'm still attracted to women, it just ended up that my soul mate was a man.

Thanks for listening. :)

[jeffholton.livejournal.com]

He's got to be in that soup somewhere too...

Interesting.

I wonder where I am in that "soup."

I mean, I can't anticipate myself EVER having any sexual partner other than my wife (to whom I am unswervingly devoted), but the further I go on, the increasingly more aware I am that extreme heterocentrism (read: homophobia) has hobbled most us undereducated straight white boys into thinking that ANY expression of love (even platonic) for a man is "gay," and therefore to be avoided.

I detest that mindset, and seek to eradicate it. I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with expressing deep and intimate sentiments for another male. I love my friends dearly, and I am not genderist. My physical sexuality (at least in terms of literal experience) may be unquestionably straight [Ed.: as if to imply that anything else would be..."crooked?"], but my emotions are far from it.

I worry that we men don't love each other enough, and are far the worse for it. People should not be unloved.

This was just barely off the subject, wasn't it?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I worry that we men don't love each other enough, and are far the worse for it. People should not be unloved.

I totally agree with you.

My brother and I, for the most part, were both raised as boys by a single father. I think my father, who was not prepared to be a single parent, really appreciated my tomboyishness, because he had something to relate to.

But he was /so different/ with affection between my brother and me, even though we were a lot alike. It's sad that I am a much more physically expressive and affectionate person, and I think that has a lot to do with it.

I don't have to worry about people thinking I'm gay (or my friend is) if I'm hugging my female friends... but I know that a lot of guys struggle with this, and if they /do/ hug, it's that "manly man" hug where you barely touch each other.

I applaud you for being able to show affection to your friends. And also for being so smitten with your wife, because she's great!

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

From time to time, I like to come back to your journal. It always pleases me to read it.

I'd really like to thank you on behalf of me..the bi freak.

I have a lot of lesbians tell me that because I'm dating and in love and plan to marry a man, that I never loved women. I've had them treat me like a traitor, and not even want to talk to me because of it. It hurt, but angered me because it was a huge double standard, and reverse discriminaton or just discrimination to boot. I was to accept them and whoever they chose to love (and I did) but because I fell in love with a man, I was shunned.

I've heard all the excuses. "I've had bad experiences with bisexuals."

If you had a gay man rob you, would you hate all gay men?

That logic never held with me.

"Well, bisexuals just don't know what they want. "

And don't you think that would be even harder on us? To be doubly confused?

Anyway, that was my rant....and I really want to thank you for understanding the plight of the bisexual. We (most of us)aren't here to mess with our gay brothers and sister, we just love who we love regardless of gender.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'll never forget being 16 years old, and my stepbrother (I come from a rather closed-minded family) was going on and on about how sick gay people were. While I was squirming in my seat, he said, "But bisexuals are even sicker, because at least fags know what they want." I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I remember thinking, "Wow. Someday, he will never speak to me again." (The weird thing is that not only does he seem to not remember that at all, he's also very supportive of me.)

I was briefly involved with a bisexual-identified transwoman, but I've never really had any experience dating bisexuals. Although I dated a bisexual boy when I was in college, and I am forever doomed to never give blood because I've "had sex with a man who has had sex with a man." Yeah.

Honestly, I don't know why it would be worse if a girl I was with left me for a guy. I don't think it would, for me. But I /do/ know that when a friend of mine, who'd had a long-term girlfriend, started dating men exclusively, I was a little uncomfortable. I suppose I have some internalized biphobia of my own to deal with.

Anyway, thank you for your compliments, and continue loving who you love. Go get 'em!