I am my own worst therapist.

[judecorp]

So I wonder, is "self-help" something people /really/ do, or just talk about? I mean, it's easy (and painless) to read books or inspirationals with good intentions, but hard to actually put the information into practice. I'm certainly guilty of this. I like to read self-help stuff, probably in part due to my past therapist experience, and I like to see how other people's advice can fit into my own life, but do I ever really /use/ the information? Do I ever really help myself on anything other than an intellectual level?

For example, I do a lot of thinking about my relationship with Jen. When we disagree, we do a lot of talking about the issues and what we might be able to do to fix the situation or avoid it in the future. And while I can certainly nod my head, or acknowledge that what she's saying makes a lot of sense, do I ever really change my behavior or my stance on things? Do I really put forth the effort? Or do I just go along, business as usual, either waiting for her to change or waiting for the issue to resurface? Questions, questions.

I reserved some library book today on lesbian relationships. While I don't necessarily think lesbian relationships are different from gay male relationships or heterosexual relationships, I'm curious to read what the author has to say. The social worker in me is curious about her suggestions and advice just as the sociologist in me wonders about her methods and her background. I've never read a relationship-focused book before, unless you count Couplehood by Paul Reiser - I found that at the house of one of my college boyfriends' parents. I wonder what it means that I even /want/ to, and now.

I wonder why I'm always so painstakingly analytical of my actions and thoughts.

Comments

[juliann.livejournal.com]

I think that there are some people that DO do self-help. Although perhaps for some on a more subtle level: the more they read the same advice the more it sinks in and they begin to shift in that direction without even knowing it. It also depends on how difficult the change is to do.

I think self help is just like dieting. It's not something you can do for the short term or it will rebound worse than before. It's also something to be done gradually in stages so small that you hardly notice. A little here, a little there. A year later you can see that you have made progress but at the time you are not much aware of it.

The problem comes when people want results NOW. And for those people I'd say that self-help NEVER works, or never works for more than the few weeks that they can force themselves into doing things that do not yet feel natural to them. Then they fall off the wagon, say this stuff never works and chuck out the whole lot. (Or try a totally different lot and blame the past teaching rather than their technique.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You make good points. I mean, I certainly would think less of my existence if I didn't see any sort of growth as time passed.

I guess I was really thinking about some people that I know who seem to be /really/ into self-help stuff. I never really made the connection between self-help and dieting, but when you say that, it really makes sense. Similarly, some people can be overly-religious or obsessive about both things, and you're right - we're a culture that wants results NOW. Too bad they don't sell "self-help" pills, right?

I've read books that have changed the way I see my life, but none of them have ever been "self-help" books. I guess I'm sort of leery about books that claim to have life's answers, when the answers to life's questions come with time and experience (for me).

I think I'm just babbling. Blahdi blah. I was just thinking of those multi-million dollar "chicken soup" books, and was wondering if anyone ever had any sort of life-altering experience from one of them.

[juliann.livejournal.com]

I guess a lot depends on how you define self-help books and classes. I have a friend and I love her to death but she used to waste thousands of dollars on life coaches and career coaches and never got anything out of them. From her experiences I think that the huge broad questions cannot be answered from the outside. (OK, that seems obvious but there's SO many people who claim to help you find your right career...)

However there are a lot of books that I read/have read to focus on specific issues in my life. When we had a huge relationship crisis before we were married I read a few relationship books. Not so much because I thought they had the answer in black and white, but because I needed some perspective and they helped me A) look at the bigger picture but also B) pinpoint the *exact* problem and address it. So yeah, it's books I read to help myself.

I consider ALL of "living with XYZ health condition" to be self-help books, as they are all about how to help yourself deal/cope/recover/improve. But you'd never see them shelved under that in the bookstore as people would get offended.

As for the Chicken Soup (for the teenaged werewolf's girlfriend-who-becomes-a-lesbian-in-a-later-season's soul) books, I think they are just that, chicken soup. Maybe they help a tiny bit. Maybe they just don't hurt. But they don't stick with you for long after you've consumed it. Any if you waste your money on them instead of on professional help, you're just as stupid as the person who eats chicken soup instead of seeing the doctor. Of course if there was nothing wrong with you to begin with, no harm done except to your wallet. But if you really have problems, seek a professional answer. (Like, someone with a degree at least, not just the freelance writers who write for Chicken Soup!)

And don't even get me started on Dr. Fibromyalgia-does-not-exist Phil!!

[vorpalbla.livejournal.com]

I do some very deliberate self-counseling. Sometimes it works, other times not. When it works, it's because I'm doing simple cognitive-challenging type stuff, catching my negative thoughts and trying to find positive ones to substitute. Like, right now, when my car is in the shop in Indianapolis, may be there for a week or more, I'm in Columbus with an expensive-ish rental car, and I'm way behind on work, and was scared during my rainy drive...nevertheless, my health is good and I have a job that is important, and the money/credit to survive such things, and friends, and a cute girl who likes me.

But it doesn't always work, and sometimes I just plain forget to do it. Self-criticism can be hard to resist. Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living" and I'm not sure if he's right or not.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I tend to agree with Socrates, personally. But that could be because I can't ever shut my brain off. (Which could explain why I don't get any sleep.)

I find that I make the most stable changes in my life when /I/ have come up with the ideas, whether they are little cognitive changes, or specific goal-setting activities, or other things. When they come from me, when I decide to do them, everything's fine. It's when the ideas come from conversations with other people, or from advice, or from the media that I'm sketchy.

And hey, I'm sorry about the car. That sucks. :(

[haloumi.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between examining yourself for the purpose of development and understanding; and examining yourself for the purpose of self-criticism.

I've always considered it the difference between opening your eyes to see what's in the mirror and opening your eyes so you can revile what you see in the mirror.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dr. Phil totally bugs me.

I guess you're right that any book (or other medium) can be a "self-help" book if you're using it to help yourself. I tend to think that those books (like the medical books) that /aren't/ on the self-help shelf are better than those that are... probably because I see them as written by more knowledgable people (who may not just be on the chicken-soup-gravy-train), and because searching through sources in other categories at least force the person to do some search-work. (Hence, helping themselves.)

One of the reasons I reserved that book is definitely because I was looking for someone else's perspective on relationships. So at least we agree on /something/!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I've always considered it the difference between opening your eyes to see what's in the mirror and opening your eyes so you can revile what you see in the mirror.

I like this.

Self-help

[haloumi.livejournal.com]

I suspect that a lot of people, who don't have your strength of purpose and resolve, seek out self-help books because they are looking for a quick fix.

Now while I believe that self-help books can give somebody insight and other points of view, if read properly, I don't believe that they magically apply a thought transformation process which causes a permanent change in cognitive processes. (Although 'Snow Crash' by Neal Stephenson is a very good SF book which deals with similar processes and is well worth reading.)

I believe that people assemble the mechanisms of change after thought, consideration and experience. The final application of that change may happen very quickly or it may take years but it is up to the person when that happens.

The quick summary for this is: change comes from within.

Where a lot of self-help schemes don't work is that they can only take you so far. You apply an external discipline to encourage an internal discipline and the internal discipline will take over when you're effectively standing on your own feet. When people depend too heavily on external support and validation they don't have the internal structures to support them.

Sadly, a lot of people are robbed of their internal support structures through a variety of unpleasant and soul-destroying experiences and rebuilding that can be very hard. But this is where it's important to do more than read a self-help book - the reader must think about the content, digest it, synthesize an analogue for that knowledge in their life and then incorporate.

Too many people just read the book, hoping for the one piece of advice that will change their life.

I don't believe that it happens.

Re: Self-help

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't believe that happens, either.

I think that people today have become so conditioned by the media (television especially) to accept information in quick blips and flashes. I think that people are used to seeing their news in one-minute features. I think that people are sensationalist and don't know how to deal with quiet and introspection.

I think that might be why people cling to catchphrases and quotable statements - quick blips that are supposed to have mind-altering consequences.

But that's not really what I was talking about. I was thinking about people who really /are/ introspective, who really /are/ looking for mind-altering consequences and are willing to put in the time. Is time enough? Is effort enough? I feel like I've definitely /grown/ as a person, but have I /changed/ (and for the better)?

I think a lot, for example, about the mistakes I've made in past relationships, and especially about my problematic patterns of behavior. Then why don't I do anything about them? Why do I think about them, and then watch myself recreate them?

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can say that I definitely at least try to put ideas that click into practice. I've already made progress with some easy stuff like making routines so I am less apt to forget important stuff (like putting on my wedding ring and putting my cellphone into my purse - after all what good is a mobile if it's sitting at home?).

The kicker is that the things we have the hardest time taking advice on or "helping ourselves" on, are the things we need the most help on! They are our biggest problems- probably because we've gotten into bad habits or tendencies and didn't correct them until they got preposterous. Change can be hard, but small changes are almost always something a person can tackle. It's the gigantic ones that seem overwhelming, too big to manage.

I've learned a few secrets, that I haven't yet put into practice the way I'd like, but I'm working on it. Here they are:

1. It takes about a month to form a habit (from flylady)


2. If a problem, job, etc is too big, break it into bite size pieces.


3. In order to make a change in yourself you have to stay focused on it. If you think, talk and even commit to do something, but fail to follow through- it's because you didn't go through with your commitment to change it.

Of course, change is hard. I know since I've been 60 pounds over weight for almost 2 years now. I find excuses, feel bad about not changing, feel overwhelmed with starting a change, and ultimately let it slip from my focus enough that I don't do anything. It seems far easier for me to try for a cleaner house, work towards saving for retirement or work towards my degree. The sad part is that I think my weight it the biggest problem of them all, it's the one that bothers me most and hinders me most, and yet it's easier to focus on other things.

Damn. I think I'll post this in my journal. I need to take my own damn advice.

Checked that SPAM lately?

[(Anonymous)]

Sure they make self-help pills! Prozac, Viagra, Ritalin, diet pills, muscle pills, St. John's Wort, and whatever else will sell!

Is there really a difference in the content of a therapy session and the content of a self-help book?

-- Hoo

P.S. Swallowed the Phone! Need Self-Help!

Re: Checked that SPAM lately?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Is there really a difference in the content of a therapy session and the content of a self-help book?

With a good therapist, absolutely.

A self-help book purports to give the reader the answers. A good therapist watches you find your own.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

1. The flylady totally scares me.

2. You definitely strike me as the kind of person who really wants to better herself, and who would certainly give good thought (and action) into what you read.

3. I could certainly stand to lose some weight, too, or at least get back into shape.