Do I concern myself with others too much?

[judecorp]

Good question.

The shrink commented that I spent about 90% of my session talking about Aaron's situation, his feelings, his concerns. 10% about myself, how I was doing, my plans. Why is this? I've spent a good part of the afternoon thinking about this.

Is it easier for me to be concerned about someone else rather than myself? Absolutely. But I think it's also that I currently have no closure. My dad asked me if I thought A. had a girlfriend (I'm pretty positive he doesn't). I wish he did! That would make SENSE! That, I could understand. Okay, he doesn't want to be with me because he likes someone else. But instead, he just doesn't like me. For no reason. Or reasons that don't seem to make sense, like that I wouldn't let him take me canoeing after I almost got killed that one time in 1996. Or that I "would never let him be the strong one." Or any of the other completely random things I've gotten out of him. You know what? I'm tired of trying to pull information out. I am tired of being pliers.

The shrink says that I should have exploded on him the night I was angry. He says that maybe A. would have exploded back and had some sort of catharsis. But then he says that I should concentrate more on me. So what's going on?

A little background - I have been taking care of people my whole life. I think I take good care of myself. But how would I concentrate MORE on me? Any suggestions? (Seriously here, I'm dead serious.) Should I spend my sessions talking about the karate smurf and the pretty princess? I think I have a good handle on that. I don't, however, have a handle on this relationship with no closure. Bah!

Soon I will be with the parentals. And then NY. With Robert Sean Leonard. And Jodie. And Princess. And EVERYONE. Yay.

Comments

[juliann.livejournal.com]

IMO it's not that you concern yourself too much with others, it's that A is what you need help with. You take plenty of good care of yourself and others too. But you are seeing the therapist for help with the A stuff. That's it. Not because you generally have an unhappy life that needs regular TLC.

You talk about A because those are the stimuli that you don't know how to react to. It's not *about* A, I bet. When you say "A did this, A did that" I always think it's really meant as "A did this, and I don't know what to do/think/feel about it". If I were there I'd be sitting around talking about how much my ass hurts at this moment (pulled a muscle exercising), how much my hips have started hurting lately, and how I have had a headache for a week straight. Your shrink would say I talk too much about myself. But it's the same thing really..we talk about the stuff we dunno how to deal with. Yours just happens to be another person. Mine just happens to be the body I live in.

Changing the subject...
My gut feeling is that A is just being a freak because he is a wounded boy who does not know how to deal with emotional pain. I had a SO who was like that, assholeness was just his "Don't get close to me, I am hurting" mechanism. He didn't even know he was doing it at the time, it was only later he could say "Doh! Sorry.." His "I'm ignoring her" is probably really his way of meaning "I am going to stick my head in the sand and when I come out she will be gone and if the ostriches are right, I will not feel any pain and it will all be over." (Kinda like me wanting to get stoned for the next six months and wake up with a body that works.)

Of course that's just my gut talking. It talks a lot, I can't kick this gastrointerritis thing. Noisy gut!

My gut also says "Eat more pasta, but none of that N&S shit". So listen to my gut on that one at least.

*smooches*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, this is an aside, but I /like/ Noodles & Sauce! I am Iron Chef Envelope! :)

But anyway...

Yes, it's true that I am coming to him about the A. situation. However, I spend a majority of my session wondering aloud how A. is doing, etc. I haven't even really said much about how *I* feel about the situation. Which, I think, is what Shrink is talking about.

But it's not like I haven't thought about (and still think about) how I feel about everything. I think maybe it's just that I do a lot of my thinking here. Maybe I should pay him to read my LJ. ;) That would be interesting.

I think next time I come, which will be post-NY, I will have a lot more me-stuff to talk about. I have a Smooching Mission, after all. Or something. Heh. Seriously, though, I /am/ kinda tired of talking about wondering /why/ A. isn't speaking to me of any substance. I can't change that. Sure, I can try to force it and see what happens, but do I want to? I don't know.

I guess I have a bit of thinking to do. Am I getting wrapped up in this 'ignoring' stuff unnecessarily? I own my feelings on this, after all. Just something to think about.

p.s. You need to stop being in pain, love. *HUG*