Isolated I was from all my people

[judecorp]

I went to chorus rehearsal this evening and in a lot of ways I wish I hadn't. I suppose it had to come eventually, that time when it hit me that I had no business joining something called the Columbus Women's Chorus since, well, it would stand to reason that you're supposed to be a woman. Still, I didn't think it was all that big of a deal... after all, I can still relate to and enjoy the camaraderie that exists amongst women, the phenomenon that is women supporting each other, and, of course, the joy in loving women. Tonight, however, I learned that it is, indeed, a big deal.

Our director let us know her vision for the spring concert - an hour-long oratotio called "Ouroboros" by Kay Gardner, a pagan woman and musician I actually met when we were both involved with the Unitarian Universalist church in Bangor, Maine. "Ouroborus" is a powerful collection of music and voices, no doubt meant to be magical and invoke change; heck, the pieces read like individual rituals or at the very least invocations. It's not exactly my type of music, mostly because it's very long.

It's a collection of chants and solos depicting stages/rites of passage in the Female Life Cycle, and relating these stages to the Celtic Wheel of the Year. Starting with the birth of the baby/daughter/earth at Yule, the piece takes the listener through all of the major life changes in the garden variety female, from childhood/daughterhood (Imbolc) to puberty/menses (Ostara), to maidenhood/fertility (Beltane), to pregnancy/motherhood (Midsummer), to menopause (Lughnasadh), to aging/croning (Mabon), to death (Samhain). The piece is set up so that individual women of increasing ages sing solos about each specific time, and the chorus concludes with a chant/ritual/invo/whatever.

Can you see where this is going? Yep.

For the entire hour, I felt like I had walked into the wrong bathroom, had stepped into the wrong classroom, was peeking through a window I was not allowed to be looking in. I was completely out of place and awkward. I couldn't relate to the Female Life Cycle at all. How can I? I wasn't really /raised/ female. I don't get my period. I never had that "girl" talk with my mother. I am infertile. I will not bear children. I probably won't go through menopause (though it's been speculated that I may have already). Yes, I will die. Whoop-de-doo! I still didn't share these experiences, cannot expect these experiences in the future, and don't even identify as female. So where does this leave me?

Most songs are just songs, and one can sing them without needing to feel ownership of the lyrics. I don't have 1000 grandmothers, I may not be your bridge over troubled waters, but I can sing along. This piece is... different. It's not a song, not to me, not as someone who wrote and practiced pagan rituals for years and felt the power behind them. My chorus performing this oratorio will be making magic (she changes everything she touches, and everything she touches changes) - they will be using their voices to move energy, to inspire activity, to change the world! Because of this, I feel like each participant needs to be behind this, needs to belong, needs to have that all-hallowed membership card for the female species - something I just don't have in my wallet right now.

I feel so awkward and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure that I am able to, or even if it is right for me to perform this music. And since this music is half of our spring concert program, if I /do/ decide I shouldn't be doing this, I really can't do chorus. I am in such a quandary, and I wish I hadn't liked my experience so much because it is making my head and my heart hurt.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_epiphany_girl_/]

Aw. *hug*

Wow. They'd have to choose *that* piece, wouldn't they?

Well, all I can say right now is, you don't have to make a decision at the moment. Wait and see how it shakes out. They could change their mind, you could decide by that time you don't want to be part of the chorus anymore, either, or you could present your concerns to the people in change and maybe, if it feels right, come back after they perform the piece.

But I get what you're saying. It's not just about this one piece, it's about being part of the female part of the planet--something of a tenuous connection already that you feel strained after tonight.

I can't make that feel any better for you. But I can tell you that you're a total lovey and I think you're fabulous no matter what part of the species you decide to curl into.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, you're right - I suppose they /could/ decide not to do this piece. However, after playing it last night, the director asked the chorus for feedback and it seemed like /everyone/ was entirely and enthusiastically behind it (of course it's possible that dissenters kept their mouths shut, but it was pretty overwhelmingly positive). I think in a lot of ways it has to do with the fact that so many of the women in chorus are of the age where they grew up/became women in the era of "consciousness raising" and "women's discussion groups" and thus eat this female-bonding stuff up with a spoon.

I was actually surprised that there wasn't ONE person who freaked at the pagan overtones of the piece, or who thought the audience would freak. Very surprised. I did hear /one/ woman comment quietly to herself that she would not be able to invite her mother to come to the concert...

I think my current plan of action is this:
1. On Wednesday, talk to my beloved Patty (co-facilitator of the queer youth support group with me, who is also in chorus) about this for her feedback, keeping in mind that she was involved in the premiering of this piece years ago and it is very personal to her

-and-

2. Possibly write to my section leader about my feelings and see what she thinks. She's not /terribly/ far in age from me and we seem to get along pretty well.

Bleh.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_epiphany_girl_/]

Sounds like an excellent plan to me. *hug*

If you need any support, you just let me know. *smooch*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mama!

[thespian.livejournal.com]

while understand your problems, I don't think that you need to 'own' the music literally...and here's why.

Paganism, in almost all its forms, is based around life cycle - but not as directly as you think. From your age group, you will, I assume, be placed in Beltane or Midsummer, which you are choosing to see only in terms of spawning (and i understand the music does emphasize that at times). However, you are, at this point, amazingly fertile -- you're just providing fertility of a different type, nourishing your partner (every day I see you post about Jen I see you nurturing), and people who you help through your Big Gay Job. The things from this phase of your life that you will give birth to may not be children, but frankly, that's not a lot of *many* women's life experience these days. You give birth to ideas and love and fun and social change and many other things that will go out and change the world as much as most people's children will.

Encourage your choir leader to know that you feel excluded; you're likely not the only one -- use your voice to create some change. At the same time, consider that there are ways to think about this music (and indeed, about all the parts of paganism that don't apply to many people of either gender at this time - have you ever acted as priest in a circle? I have, and it's astonishingly different) that reclaim the life cycle for every woman whose life it doesn't completely encompass.

By withdrawing, you're withdrawing the energy in ritual and song that someone who lives a female life cycle which, while it doesn't match up exactly with a stereotypical fertility life cycle, is nonetheless incredibly validly part of nature. You need, literally, to give voice to it, else you're silencing yourself before anyone else can.

[siercia]

Wow, she said everything I wanted to say, but a million times better than I could have. So, yeah, what she said.

I'd talk to your directior about it, and see if she has any input. And I'd give it a month or so, see if perfroming this doesn't feel better after you've had time to get used to the idea.

And, wow, that soulds like a simply amazing piece. When would the concert be?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The concert is on Mother's Day weekend.

(So, sadly, not so great for out-of-state travelers who happen to have children and/or mothers.)

[kjtoo.livejournal.com]

Ditto.

I can't claim to know much about Paganism, and I have a distinctly non-female point of view, but I was going to make the observation that the idea of fertility is open to interpretation.

I can't really say anything more than has already said (well put, Thespian), so I'll just say again, "Ditto."

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Unfortunately it comes down to a lot more than just fertility for me, and gets into the heart of a sense of womanhood that I'm not sure I fit into.

I wrote a little more about it in my response to thespian if you're interested. If you're not, that's cool too. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I understand what you're saying and I value your feedback. It's true that lots of pagan rituals, not just this one, revolve around some sort of life cycle, since circles tend to be at the heart of almost everything. That's true. And you're also right when you say that fertility can mean more than childbirth, and I /do/ really appreciate you going out of your way to say what you said about me. Thank you.

Just so you know, I wouldn't be 'placed' in any one season or whatever, I would be involved in the whole thing. The only time people are 'placed' is when they are doing solos (which I wouldn't do anyway). It's less about me worrying that I don't fit in fertility-wise (because I *do* want to be a parent, so I can still really relate to that on at least that level, and you're right, I am a nurturer), it's that I don't fit in woman-wise.

To me, it's like stepping outside of myself and into the audience, and seeing my chorus performing this oratorio, and smack in the middle of the alto 1 section is some guy. It's less about "oh, look, the child-free women can't sing this song" to me and more about "wow, I don't feel female enough to be in this women's circle." Does that make any sense?

Normally I don't have any sort of problem being really fluid about things, and checking any sort of box I need to check at whatever time... but for some reason this was really an issue last night.

I appreciate any more feedback you have.

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

oh dear. Honestly that makes me feel kinda uncomfortable, and I'm pretty damn girly. I'm sorry I bailed on practice now. Give me a call and we can talk about this.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I tried to call you but your phone went straight to voicemail. I suppose that's deity's way of telling me I should be working. :)

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

Or the deiy telling you that I am hella low on cell phone minutes.

After you get off work tonight maybe we could get coffee and talk? I don't feel like talking about this in the comments.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I have Date Night with Sean tonight after work. Sorry. :(

[laserkitty.livejournal.com]

Wow. I can understand why you feel conflicted. Totally.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wonder if it's also a generational thing... because I am thinking that calledmara and prettyvacantone are also going to feel kind of awkward about it.

We'll have to see, right?

[prettyvacantone.livejournal.com]

Considering just the idea that I don't entirely identify with girls, and girliness, and don't really believe in the "power of women" and such...I felt really conflicted even about performing the music we did for this most recent concert. I feel like a fraud singing about my love for a women and the pain it's caused me, or how comforting it is to hold hands with a group of women who support me...because that's not my life or even my position.

In the end, I just had to accept the idea that I love performing music, regardless of what the lyrics might say, just as I performed so many religious works in high school. (I suppose it wasn't quite the same though, since I had turned away from my faith by then, so it wasn't so poignant.)

Regardless, I wanted to tell you that, though it probably isn't much of a factor, I support you in whatever you choose to do with this. I understand that your issues with this run much much deeper than I can probably even understand, and I think you have every right to feel a little alienated. I think the person above said some very valid and interesting things, but in the end, sometimes rationality just can't win out over discomfort.

So yeah, you have my support. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, I think I would be more inclined to just think of it as music if I liked the music better, maybe. I don't know. I just wasn't that jazzed about it from the get-go, and that could have influenced my feelings. I was just SO surprised that everyone else seemed SO totally behind it.

I'll be interested in hearing what you think about it when you hear/see it next week.

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

Hey. I have absolutely no advice, except to go with what feels right.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Meep bleep. You are the greatest and I put your movie party on my Mary-Kate and Ashley calendar, so you KNOW it's serious. :)

Hey Beautiful!!

[goddamnelf.livejournal.com]

What is with this chorus, can't they sing some Red River Valley, or some Puff the Magic Dragon or something cool like that?

Seriously though, I wonder how much of the choice of music has to do with the celtic fad that has insinuated itself into american society. Chanting and each song is long!! Can I bring a snack or a drink or something to the concert? It reminds me of studying the Constitution, ... important, but heavy. I think of you as someone who is buoyant, a fountain of inspiration, if you will. You could choose to think about the semantics of it, or not. Perhaps it comes down to a full and truthful understanding of how you perceive yourself. Are you a lesbian, a woman who prefers the company of women, or are you merely a woman on the outside?
You are an interesting person. I have seen your lj friends comment like crazy as soon as you post. YOu are an inspiration to us, not because you are this or that, but just because you are you. "you are the wind beneath my wings...", now there is a song!!
do what your heart tells you, and if it isn't speaking to you right now, i hear there is one in this town called oz.

Re: Hey Beautiful!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

From this valley they say that you are going. I will miss your bright eyes and sweet smile. For they say you are taking the sunshine that has brightened our pathway awhile.

How can they NOT sing Red River Valley??!?

I know what you mean about Celtic = Cool that is pervasive in society today, but I think this is more related to the fact that it's so women-centric (and this is a women's chorus afterall).

Perhaps it comes down to a full and truthful understanding of how you perceive yourself. Are you a lesbian, a woman who prefers the company of women, or are you merely a woman on the outside?

I don't identify as a lesbian, except to people (aka work and stuff) that I don't want to go into any details with. I don't identify as a woman, either, actually... more in between genders than one or the other. (And well, since sexual orientation is based on gender, how can I be a lesbian if I'm not a woman?) If you want/need more information let me know and I'd be glad to tell you. :)

Thank you for your encouragement. You've always been very good to me and I'm so glad you have wheels again!