Isolated I was from all my people

[judecorp]

I went to chorus rehearsal this evening and in a lot of ways I wish I hadn't. I suppose it had to come eventually, that time when it hit me that I had no business joining something called the Columbus Women's Chorus since, well, it would stand to reason that you're supposed to be a woman. Still, I didn't think it was all that big of a deal... after all, I can still relate to and enjoy the camaraderie that exists amongst women, the phenomenon that is women supporting each other, and, of course, the joy in loving women. Tonight, however, I learned that it is, indeed, a big deal.

Our director let us know her vision for the spring concert - an hour-long oratotio called "Ouroboros" by Kay Gardner, a pagan woman and musician I actually met when we were both involved with the Unitarian Universalist church in Bangor, Maine. "Ouroborus" is a powerful collection of music and voices, no doubt meant to be magical and invoke change; heck, the pieces read like individual rituals or at the very least invocations. It's not exactly my type of music, mostly because it's very long.

It's a collection of chants and solos depicting stages/rites of passage in the Female Life Cycle, and relating these stages to the Celtic Wheel of the Year. Starting with the birth of the baby/daughter/earth at Yule, the piece takes the listener through all of the major life changes in the garden variety female, from childhood/daughterhood (Imbolc) to puberty/menses (Ostara), to maidenhood/fertility (Beltane), to pregnancy/motherhood (Midsummer), to menopause (Lughnasadh), to aging/croning (Mabon), to death (Samhain). The piece is set up so that individual women of increasing ages sing solos about each specific time, and the chorus concludes with a chant/ritual/invo/whatever.

Can you see where this is going? Yep.

For the entire hour, I felt like I had walked into the wrong bathroom, had stepped into the wrong classroom, was peeking through a window I was not allowed to be looking in. I was completely out of place and awkward. I couldn't relate to the Female Life Cycle at all. How can I? I wasn't really /raised/ female. I don't get my period. I never had that "girl" talk with my mother. I am infertile. I will not bear children. I probably won't go through menopause (though it's been speculated that I may have already). Yes, I will die. Whoop-de-doo! I still didn't share these experiences, cannot expect these experiences in the future, and don't even identify as female. So where does this leave me?

Most songs are just songs, and one can sing them without needing to feel ownership of the lyrics. I don't have 1000 grandmothers, I may not be your bridge over troubled waters, but I can sing along. This piece is... different. It's not a song, not to me, not as someone who wrote and practiced pagan rituals for years and felt the power behind them. My chorus performing this oratorio will be making magic (she changes everything she touches, and everything she touches changes) - they will be using their voices to move energy, to inspire activity, to change the world! Because of this, I feel like each participant needs to be behind this, needs to belong, needs to have that all-hallowed membership card for the female species - something I just don't have in my wallet right now.

I feel so awkward and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure that I am able to, or even if it is right for me to perform this music. And since this music is half of our spring concert program, if I /do/ decide I shouldn't be doing this, I really can't do chorus. I am in such a quandary, and I wish I hadn't liked my experience so much because it is making my head and my heart hurt.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, you're right - I suppose they /could/ decide not to do this piece. However, after playing it last night, the director asked the chorus for feedback and it seemed like /everyone/ was entirely and enthusiastically behind it (of course it's possible that dissenters kept their mouths shut, but it was pretty overwhelmingly positive). I think in a lot of ways it has to do with the fact that so many of the women in chorus are of the age where they grew up/became women in the era of "consciousness raising" and "women's discussion groups" and thus eat this female-bonding stuff up with a spoon.

I was actually surprised that there wasn't ONE person who freaked at the pagan overtones of the piece, or who thought the audience would freak. Very surprised. I did hear /one/ woman comment quietly to herself that she would not be able to invite her mother to come to the concert...

I think my current plan of action is this:
1. On Wednesday, talk to my beloved Patty (co-facilitator of the queer youth support group with me, who is also in chorus) about this for her feedback, keeping in mind that she was involved in the premiering of this piece years ago and it is very personal to her

-and-

2. Possibly write to my section leader about my feelings and see what she thinks. She's not /terribly/ far in age from me and we seem to get along pretty well.

Bleh.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_epiphany_girl_/]

Sounds like an excellent plan to me. *hug*

If you need any support, you just let me know. *smooch*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mama!