Number 54 - The house with a bamboo door
Sep. 3rd, 2001 09:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpGood morning, campers!
I ended up writing a little whiny email to Mark saying that I missed him. I am such a sap sometimes. But when I was getting into it with A. last night, I really could have used what he had to say on the issue.
A. was spitting out all the venom last night. I probably started it. But I hate that moral high ground crap. I am /not/ going to be 'properly conciliatory' about any of this. Nope. (Obscure reference. Don't worry.) It's amazing what that boy will come out with sometimes, so that he doesn't have to face his own issues. Last night, I took his pride and his spirit from him, he says. (I guess this is added to his strength and his manhood, which he said I took a few weeks ago.) Who am I that I supposedly have all of this power to take all of these things away from someone? And why would I do such a thing? I wonder if he knows how hurtful these words are. Took his spirit... please. If he lost his spirit, that is a shame (and I do believe he has), but to use me and our relationship as a scapegoat for it is preposterous. Ridiculous. Crazy. Feh.
A few weeks ago when he started with the, 'you never let me be the strong one' stuff, Mark told me that it was probably because I intimidate him, that I am too strong for him. I don't know, though. I wasn't feeling all that strong last night. My family is really leaning into me with the 'you need to give him a second chance, you heartless girl' type stuff, and it's started to wear me down. And I'm lonely. Goodness, but I'm lonely. I hate feeling like that, though. I'm a firm believer that I should 'plant my own garden instead of waiting for someone to give me flowers.' I am. And I do. Sometimes, though, you just want someone to say, 'I understand.' And mean it, of course.
In a couple hours I'll train up to Quincy to go to my little BBQ, and that will be much fun. I've packed up my stuff for the night and my camera has film in it and it's ready to go. Grandma slipped me some cash - she's so funny when she does that. Then I will see so many of the people that I absolutely love. In one place. And it will be awesome.
On Saturday, I will set foot down in my beloved City, and will be able to actually touch my two favoritest friends in the universe. And HUG them. My goodness. Jodie, I want to hug you so badly. SO badly. And Mark... gah.
I don't want to go back to Columbus. Ever. Can't I call in sick from my life? :)
I ended up writing a little whiny email to Mark saying that I missed him. I am such a sap sometimes. But when I was getting into it with A. last night, I really could have used what he had to say on the issue.
A. was spitting out all the venom last night. I probably started it. But I hate that moral high ground crap. I am /not/ going to be 'properly conciliatory' about any of this. Nope. (Obscure reference. Don't worry.) It's amazing what that boy will come out with sometimes, so that he doesn't have to face his own issues. Last night, I took his pride and his spirit from him, he says. (I guess this is added to his strength and his manhood, which he said I took a few weeks ago.) Who am I that I supposedly have all of this power to take all of these things away from someone? And why would I do such a thing? I wonder if he knows how hurtful these words are. Took his spirit... please. If he lost his spirit, that is a shame (and I do believe he has), but to use me and our relationship as a scapegoat for it is preposterous. Ridiculous. Crazy. Feh.
A few weeks ago when he started with the, 'you never let me be the strong one' stuff, Mark told me that it was probably because I intimidate him, that I am too strong for him. I don't know, though. I wasn't feeling all that strong last night. My family is really leaning into me with the 'you need to give him a second chance, you heartless girl' type stuff, and it's started to wear me down. And I'm lonely. Goodness, but I'm lonely. I hate feeling like that, though. I'm a firm believer that I should 'plant my own garden instead of waiting for someone to give me flowers.' I am. And I do. Sometimes, though, you just want someone to say, 'I understand.' And mean it, of course.
In a couple hours I'll train up to Quincy to go to my little BBQ, and that will be much fun. I've packed up my stuff for the night and my camera has film in it and it's ready to go. Grandma slipped me some cash - she's so funny when she does that. Then I will see so many of the people that I absolutely love. In one place. And it will be awesome.
On Saturday, I will set foot down in my beloved City, and will be able to actually touch my two favoritest friends in the universe. And HUG them. My goodness. Jodie, I want to hug you so badly. SO badly. And Mark... gah.
I don't want to go back to Columbus. Ever. Can't I call in sick from my life? :)
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no subject
Date: 2001-09-03 09:34 am (UTC)I'm sorry your family is being all that, but isn't that the sort of annoying things families do? You aren't really happy unless you have a man, blah blah blah. I think that's how any man I introduce my parents to becomes 'future son-in-law'. But I think they are still crossing their fingers for tk. Hee hee hee.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-03 07:28 pm (UTC)I suppose telling them that you're my floozy wouldn't go over too well, would it.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-04 07:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-04 07:22 am (UTC)(Is this the part where I confess that I, like your family, am crossing my fingers for you and tk?)
Re:
Date: 2001-09-04 07:59 pm (UTC)The Preferred Stock boy
Date: 2001-09-04 08:17 pm (UTC)Come HERE.
Date: 2001-09-03 10:50 am (UTC)Plus, you'd get all the smooches you want. And hugs...plenty of hugs down here in Atlanta.
Re: Come HERE.
Date: 2001-09-04 07:24 am (UTC)Come up nawth! Smooches abound! (Though the idea of you AND Jost AND Staphanie is appealing!)
no subject
Date: 2001-09-03 10:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-04 07:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-03 07:30 pm (UTC)Err.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-04 07:25 am (UTC)Families and being helpful
Date: 2001-09-03 08:15 pm (UTC)The bottom line, (and obviously you already know this) is you are the only one who has to be with you 24/7 forever, and you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror.
Somehow, I've found that being a doormat so someone else can artificially prop up their faltering self esteem up doesn't quite cut it.
As far as being in Columbus goes...comes stay at my house. I'll even talk with a pseudo Southern drawl to make it feel a little more exotic.
Seriously. You're more than welcome to escape any time. For days or weeks at a time if necessary. :)
You have absolutely no idea
Date: 2001-09-04 07:26 am (UTC)But yes, my family is trying to be supportive. However, their idea of support is to make me laugh and make jokes. This is usually funny. Just not when my situation is the butt of the jokes.
Phooey. :) SMOOCH.
*HUGS*
Date: 2001-09-04 11:04 am (UTC)Sounds to me like you've given A. more than a few 'second chances'. You gotta do what will make you happy. You, because you deserve to be happy, and if he can't accept you as you are, and you try to change to be what he needs, you'll be unhappy, and nothing will have been solved.
Heh. Pocket psychologist Dr. Evil Twin, at your service. =) We (and there are a few of us now!) should just toss 'em out and start a lesbian commune. ;)
*HUGS* and much lovin',
The Evil Twin
Re: *HUGS*
Date: 2001-09-04 06:56 pm (UTC)Someday I'm going to be fabulously wealthy and I will visit all of my darlings. :) Or just make them all move near me and start a happening commune of women, oh yes. That sounds divine. :)
Thanks for everything, Evil Twin. You're the nicest Evil Twin in the whole wide world.