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judecorpWhy are relationships such hard work? One would think that something that has the potential to feel so good, and that starts out so effortless would be simple. In reality, though, the opposite is true. It seems that the better a relationship is, or the more potential it has, the more work it requires. That's so counter to logic, or perhaps it is just counter to the messages we're bombarded with in the movies and on television.
I spent part of the evening watching "For Love or Money" and "Who Wants To Marry My Dad?". I admit that I am easily suckered into reality television, my curiosity into the human psyche overtaking any rational thought about the vapidness of such programs. I watch as woman after woman (or man after man) subjects herself to intrusive questions, harsh judgments, and public exploitation. I watch "relationships" blossom in a span of days or weeks, see how quickly the L-bomb is dropped, and just gape. How can this be? Is this real?
It's easy to believe the television story: person meets person, there is an instant connection, and they fall in love. Aah, but the program stops before any of the work happens, and doesn't that just feed the lie? We never see the difficult parts of love and life in movies or TV, and if we do, there's some lighthearted lesson involved, a triviality. It's been beaten into us so many times that even I look at my "flawed" relationship at times and wonder, "What happened? I thought this was so right!"
Sometimes I actually have to stop and remind myself that people disagree, people argue, and people fight. Sometimes people raise their voices or slam doors, and sometimes emotions are silent and strong. Sometimes arguments happen at the store, in the kitchen, during sex, out in public, or on vacation. Sometimes there is a long discussion following and sometimes things blow over, but no relationship is without argument or difficulty. If there is one, it's probably a sham.
While it's true that Rob and Amber, Preston and PJ, and other reality show couples may strike a match that will burn into the future, it's also true that the viewing public will never see the hard times, just as we'll never see the major players without wardrobe and makeup. Where is the /real/ reality program, the one that shows a couple married for, say, seven years with young children? Where there isn't much time for dates or bonding or even adult conversation because Partner and Partner are running to preschool and the dentist and play group and day care and the park, or are making dinner and cleaning the kitchen and changing a diaper and balancing the checkbook and making a grocery list? We could call it "The Real World," but that title has been taken by something that clearly isn't. How frustrating.
And me? Sometimes I fall into the traps created by the Great Media Relationship Lie, and I often ride out those times by reminding myself that in my head and heart I believe that forming a solid, lasting coupling is the Western path to enlightenment. And then I remind myself that I argued with, yelled at, and even loathed members of my immediate family at times and yet the love has always remained. And that, I think, is the REAL story.
I spent part of the evening watching "For Love or Money" and "Who Wants To Marry My Dad?". I admit that I am easily suckered into reality television, my curiosity into the human psyche overtaking any rational thought about the vapidness of such programs. I watch as woman after woman (or man after man) subjects herself to intrusive questions, harsh judgments, and public exploitation. I watch "relationships" blossom in a span of days or weeks, see how quickly the L-bomb is dropped, and just gape. How can this be? Is this real?
It's easy to believe the television story: person meets person, there is an instant connection, and they fall in love. Aah, but the program stops before any of the work happens, and doesn't that just feed the lie? We never see the difficult parts of love and life in movies or TV, and if we do, there's some lighthearted lesson involved, a triviality. It's been beaten into us so many times that even I look at my "flawed" relationship at times and wonder, "What happened? I thought this was so right!"
Sometimes I actually have to stop and remind myself that people disagree, people argue, and people fight. Sometimes people raise their voices or slam doors, and sometimes emotions are silent and strong. Sometimes arguments happen at the store, in the kitchen, during sex, out in public, or on vacation. Sometimes there is a long discussion following and sometimes things blow over, but no relationship is without argument or difficulty. If there is one, it's probably a sham.
While it's true that Rob and Amber, Preston and PJ, and other reality show couples may strike a match that will burn into the future, it's also true that the viewing public will never see the hard times, just as we'll never see the major players without wardrobe and makeup. Where is the /real/ reality program, the one that shows a couple married for, say, seven years with young children? Where there isn't much time for dates or bonding or even adult conversation because Partner and Partner are running to preschool and the dentist and play group and day care and the park, or are making dinner and cleaning the kitchen and changing a diaper and balancing the checkbook and making a grocery list? We could call it "The Real World," but that title has been taken by something that clearly isn't. How frustrating.
And me? Sometimes I fall into the traps created by the Great Media Relationship Lie, and I often ride out those times by reminding myself that in my head and heart I believe that forming a solid, lasting coupling is the Western path to enlightenment. And then I remind myself that I argued with, yelled at, and even loathed members of my immediate family at times and yet the love has always remained. And that, I think, is the REAL story.
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-06 04:37 am (UTC)You continue to be an inspiration, Jude.
Merp!
p.s. Thanks. I screw up at this stuff so much that I don't know how I could possibly be an inspiration, but thanks. YOU are an inspiration to me.
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Date: 2004-07-06 05:53 am (UTC)Ive been thinking about this a lot lately, and I dont remember whether I ever got around to writing about this in my journal. And so Ill share it here:
I totally believed the media myth. In my world, the myth is that love transforms you into a different person. When Im just myself with my same problems and G. is just herself, I feel like the relationship must have problems and I should end it. Then I realize thats a lie. and I try with all my might to give it up. Im not sure if Im ready to give up that myth though. Something to think about.
The other myth is that relationships must be dramatic and full of intrigue to be interesting. i find myself bored when I just like G. and she just likes me. I hate that about me. I want to just enjoy that things are good.
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Date: 2004-07-08 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-06 11:04 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2004-07-06 12:17 pm (UTC)(for the disgeek among us, that would remove all instances of the word 'sometimes' from the text)
Otherwise, right right on. Relationships suck so much that if they weren't so wonderful, nobody would bother.
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Date: 2004-07-06 12:20 pm (UTC)Yes I agree with most everything you've stated, especially the above statement. You don't find anything BAD out about the relationships until after the show has ended and a few weeks or months later, tabloids are showing the splits or the difficulties.
In my opinion, taking non-celebrities and turning them into celebrities via these "reality" programs, just causes more damage than good because I don't think the average every day person can understand or comprehend everything that comes with being a celebrity until one is--unless that is their personal goal.
Another thing about "reality tv"--and while I understand your reason or need to watch it and you gave a very good reason and I can understand being sucked into it, I can't bring myself to watch and I boycott the shows because I'm SOOO tired of all of them and I want more "quality" programs, or funny sit-coms to come back on TV.
To me all these shows like the bachelor, the swan, marrying off the dad, etc--they all perpetuate the sterotype of what a perfect person is. For the most part, most of these people are "good-looking" in some way, many of the women are very thin and in my opinion bland. The vast majority of these women/and men aren't REAL. Like you said, they don't show your everyday toils and troubles, they don't show them in grungy clothes, without make-up and bad hair. I realize not ALL shows fall into this category, (the swan and survivor) but in the Swan's case, they are making improvements to people to make them have more appeal or be more socially beautiful and while it is that person's wish to be more, it still creates the cycle that personally I want my future children to not fall victim to.
What happened to the inner beauty--confidence, creativity, intelligence, etc.
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Date: 2004-07-06 01:39 pm (UTC)You are right....when we were watching the who wants to marry my dad show - and I do watch it with Jude, woe is me!.....the woman who turned out to be the aunt/mole I picked out easily because she was not the same as the others in terms of glossy looks etc...in fact I picked her out early because she was different and looked normal, at the very least as some feeble attempt to add the normal factor.
Blah..
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Date: 2004-07-06 10:02 pm (UTC)Another funny, I keep seeing ads for Big Brother and there's a guy from Ohio that will be on, so I'm tempted to watch--oh bother! :)
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Date: 2004-07-08 08:04 pm (UTC)And I hate that all of the people are "beautiful" and look like phony magazine people. I want to see SOMEONE on a reality show that looks like me. (At least Survivor is better about this.)
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Date: 2004-07-09 03:19 pm (UTC)I do get sucked into a couple of shows dramas/soaps, whatever you want to call them--but if I miss them it's not the END OF THE WORLD.
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Date: 2004-07-06 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-07 04:40 am (UTC)I definitely think your relationship takes work, but maybe a different type than what I'm talking about. It may not be difficult or tedious to keep you and John together, but you have a lot of other things going on that certainly put strains on things and make life challenging. Life is like that by nature. I mean, you just made a post about how tired you are, and listed a number of "wishes." That post may not be John-love-specific, but it definitely points out how your life as you know it, with John and your family, takes work and compromise.
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Date: 2004-07-06 05:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-07 04:37 am (UTC)