(no subject)

[judecorp]

I need to do something to get out of this funk I'm in.

I feel like I'm in limbo all over the place. I have a good job but it's not the job I want. I have friends but we don't get a lot of opportunity to see each other. I have a spouse that I love but she's been down, too.

It's one thing to have old friends call me old names, but something else when I'm introduced to new people with a name I don't like. Because then there are more people out there making me uncomfortable. Blecch.

I played a card game today about beans. Whenever I say the word 'beans' I think of the episodes of "The Brady Bunch" when they were in Hawai'i with Vincent Price. "Thank you for saving my beans." One of my friends had a cook-out. She bought a house near where I grew up. That's totally weird. Her boyfriend went to high school with the girl that lived next door to my mother when I was a kid. One of the people at the cook-out had dated her. Ha! I haven't seen her since I was about 12 and my mother moved to a new house.

I am trying to think positively whenever I can. Sometimes that's more difficult than others. There are a number of perks to my current job. Today I realized that there is no on-call at my job. No on-call! THANK EFFING GOODNESS.

People all around me have been dealing with really bad news: health problems, family deaths, arguments, work issues. There is a general malaise settling over the city and since I've been walking a fine line between stable and sad, it's pushing me over the edge. I have spent the entire weekend moping.

I miss the security and self-assuredness of Columbus. I also miss being financially stable and having the ability to meet my/our life goals. I realized today that although we set a goal to start a family by Thanksgiving 2005, there is no way in hell we can get anywhere close to that - not here, not now, not with current financial setbacks and the cost of living and the low salaries. Maybe in five years. And that's too long for me. I thought that moving would bring us closer together, but financial strains have guaranteed the opposite effect. And that is disconcerting.

Today I'm thinking that moving away may have been the wrong choice.

Comments

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

You got to nap!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Pseudonap. That wooden deck chair was HARD!

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

You sure LOOKED out with me looming over you. Or maybe you're just SCARED of me. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am /very/ scared of you!

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Things will get better.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know. I don't feel this way all the time, it was just a really bad weekend all around. Sometimes I debate even writing this stuff online because it's transient, but there you have it.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

Eh, but getting it out is good too. Sometimes it helps me, at least, to write it all out -- suddenly I understand the problem, because I have to explain it.

Oh, and no on-call is a big plus. Of course, Stepford Social Workers don't MIND being on-call, so this is great proof that they haven't gotten you yet ;-)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You are still cracking me up with that Stepford social worker schtick! :) Hee hee hee!

[mayna.livejournal.com]

Bohnanza? Love that game!!!

Miss you Judie Jude!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yep, that was it. I should have known that you would know it! You and Bill know like every game.

[mayna.livejournal.com]

Only the ones we have. :-) But that's probably true. just the obscure crappy games I wouldn't know!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You would like some of our friends here. They are big game nerds, too.

[cathboblet.livejournal.com]

I remember when I moved to Iowa, getting past the awful search for a place to live, learning the town, settling into classes, discovering some things that resonated with me -- 'my' coffee shop and the like. And then suddenly I flailed -- emotional, psychic arms and legs akimbo. I think I'd reached the point where I was past everything that kept me in perpetual motion -- I didn't need to rush to the next thing (a new ID, a new bank account, a new grocery store etc). The moment that stopped I suddenly looked around and was all 'holy shit, this sucks.'

I called my friend scooterlaru who'd been my roommate before I moved and told her how much I missed Milwaukee and how this wasn't what I'd imagined. And she said "remember it takes until midterm."

She made me laugh -- we used to joke that it was midterm of our first semester in the MA program together before we both clicked and decided yes, we were definitely going to be friends. When the new batch of grad students showed up the year afterward it was midterm when we definitely knew which of those were going to be our new buddies. And she was right again -- by midterm I knew which were going to be my real friends and which people were just my colleagues or acquaintances.

I know everyone's different, so my story might be a million miles from what you're feeling. But I know you'll flourish in Boston as you did in Ohio -- I have absolute faith in who you are.

Sometimes it just takes until midterm =)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know that eventually things will settle down around here... and for the most part, really, things are settled somewhat. It's just so frickin' expensive and I'm having a hell of a time getting used to that. Jen and I worked very hard to get ourselves into good financial shape and now it's like starting at square one all over again. We're actually probably going to go into debt just living because we aren't making enough money to pay our bills.

THAT'S tough to deal with. Especially since we were set in C-bus to have enough for a house and babies.

[stoic2them.livejournal.com]

hang in there, kiddo! when i first moved back here i was totally miserable, making way less money than i was worth (and far less than i could live on) doing something i was not really into. plus, i was completely out of love. but now i can't imagine what my life would be like if i just picked a random place like pittsburgh and moved there because i could get paid a decent wage and live in relative wealth. plus i just can't be a steeler's fan.
give it a little more time. you're still getting settled. you've barely unpacked. we haven't even hung out yet.
and let people know what to call you. or you'll resent them for not being psychic.
this week we're going for coffee. what do you think?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I will never make what I'm worth, I know that. I'm hoping, though, that someday Jen will be able to make up the difference. It's just so frustrating to get further and further into debt just to pay bills. :(

And we DO have to hang out. Someday. When I have two pennies to rub together.

[ebeth.livejournal.com]

I <3 you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Then why are you kissing that OTHER girl in that picture? ;)

[ebeth.livejournal.com]

this picture better for you?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes. :)

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

aww sweetie i'm sorry you were feeling down! if i'd have known i'd have invited you to this play i went to tonight... ¤hugs¤

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the offer, hottie, but I wasn't home. I was at a cook-out all day! :)

[siercia]

I'm sorry you're feeling so unsettled. I'm sorry I rambled on and on about money and stuff, I'm sure that didn't help. =(

*hug* we're all glad you're here, though.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Actually, talking to you and Carrie on the deck was the best part of the day. It made things feel normal for a short while.

You are the best. I like you terribly much, you know, even though we're often too busy to do anything about that.

[siercia]

*smooch*

I like that I get to see you more often than once a year now! See, babysteps.

We should all go geocaching the next nice weekend that we're free. We can take you traipsing around Blue Hills or something.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a plan to me!

[luloubelle.livejournal.com]

It does take a while to get settled in a new place. You have to wade through a lot of shit first - with no rubber waders to keep from getting all stinky and filthy.

Hang in there. Everything will work out because I said so. I know how financial issues can damage a relationship. Hugs to you both.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm most worried about the latter - that external circumstances (such as financial woes) will break our relationship. I'm so paranoid about that sort of thing. *sigh* I wish I knew what to do about it all.

[luloubelle.livejournal.com]

If I were Oprah, I'd cut you a check fo sho.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Oprah! :)