I'd better write these down
Sep. 24th, 2001 01:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpNinja Dating Tips
By Bonnie Burton
Originally Published 4/4/2001 @ 5:09PM on winamp.com
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The ninja is one of the hardest types [of guys] to date. These [fellas] love to assassinate politicians and scale buildings in the dead of night. But beware, behind that rough exterior is a secretive, silent "I'm never going to admit to you that I'm petrified of clowns" type. So here's a few pointers on how to woo your favorite ninja:
*The Death Touch does not count as foreplay.
*Don't be startled if he shows up in the middle of the night either wounded, or looking rather flustered. This is how all ninjas appear when they get home from a long day of ninjaing.
*Forget about asking a lot of questions about his personal life. Apparently, that's a security risk. Just be content knowing that he isn't seeing other ninjaettes.
*Get used to that old master guy hanging around the apartment. He's there to stay. You'll realize soon enough that your ninja boyfriend must pass all decisions by his master. The Master is just like a judgmental mother-in-law, only he's an old man who keeps calling your boyfriend "Grasshopper," and you "Bitchy-san."
*Remind him that throwing stars (shurikens) are not romantic gifts. Neither are nunchukas, sais, bokkens or kakutes.
*When you ask him "Is that a sword or are you just happy to see me," it's a sword.
*Be supportive. Even when he decides to fight 10 bad guys at once. If you roll your eyes and cast doubt on his ninja abilities, he's gonna get all paranoid and mess up.
*Don't pretend to know any martial arts just to impress him. You never know when he'll decide to test your ninja knowledge. And then you'll end up looking awfully silly writhing on the floor in pain.
*Just because he can be all stealthy, doesn't mean he'll agree to pick up a box of tampons for you on his way home from work. Ninjas embarrass easily.
*Ninjas don't like to be tickled. Ever.
*Generating psychic powers in order to mask one's presence is one thing, but don't let him pretend he's not there when you ask him why he went to the Radiohead concert with his ex-girlfriend instead of you.
*Humming the song "Kung Fu Fighting" will not instantly make your boyfriend frisky.
-bonnie "ninja dating queen" burton
Winamp.com
Grrl.com
By Bonnie Burton
Originally Published 4/4/2001 @ 5:09PM on winamp.com
---------------------------------------------------------
The ninja is one of the hardest types [of guys] to date. These [fellas] love to assassinate politicians and scale buildings in the dead of night. But beware, behind that rough exterior is a secretive, silent "I'm never going to admit to you that I'm petrified of clowns" type. So here's a few pointers on how to woo your favorite ninja:
*The Death Touch does not count as foreplay.
*Don't be startled if he shows up in the middle of the night either wounded, or looking rather flustered. This is how all ninjas appear when they get home from a long day of ninjaing.
*Forget about asking a lot of questions about his personal life. Apparently, that's a security risk. Just be content knowing that he isn't seeing other ninjaettes.
*Get used to that old master guy hanging around the apartment. He's there to stay. You'll realize soon enough that your ninja boyfriend must pass all decisions by his master. The Master is just like a judgmental mother-in-law, only he's an old man who keeps calling your boyfriend "Grasshopper," and you "Bitchy-san."
*Remind him that throwing stars (shurikens) are not romantic gifts. Neither are nunchukas, sais, bokkens or kakutes.
*When you ask him "Is that a sword or are you just happy to see me," it's a sword.
*Be supportive. Even when he decides to fight 10 bad guys at once. If you roll your eyes and cast doubt on his ninja abilities, he's gonna get all paranoid and mess up.
*Don't pretend to know any martial arts just to impress him. You never know when he'll decide to test your ninja knowledge. And then you'll end up looking awfully silly writhing on the floor in pain.
*Just because he can be all stealthy, doesn't mean he'll agree to pick up a box of tampons for you on his way home from work. Ninjas embarrass easily.
*Ninjas don't like to be tickled. Ever.
*Generating psychic powers in order to mask one's presence is one thing, but don't let him pretend he's not there when you ask him why he went to the Radiohead concert with his ex-girlfriend instead of you.
*Humming the song "Kung Fu Fighting" will not instantly make your boyfriend frisky.
-bonnie "ninja dating queen" burton
Winamp.com
Grrl.com
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2001-09-23 10:45 pm (UTC)I can't decide if that last one is a euphemism or not.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-24 04:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-09-24 10:15 am (UTC)*Remind him that throwing stars (shurikens) are not romantic gifts. Neither are nunchukas, sais, bokkens or kakutes.
I totally disagree with this one. If you like ninjas enough to date one, shuriken should be a total turn-on for you.
*Humming the song "Kung Fu Fighting" will not instantly make your boyfriend frisky.
And this one. But that's just because I love that song.
Don't pretend to know any martial arts just to impress him. You never know when he'll decide to test your ninja knowledge. And then you'll end up looking awfully silly writhing on the floor in pain.
Oh my. Seeing some girl pretend she knows karate just to impress you is cute, not silly.
I also have to comment about the use of pronouns and the gender-specific identifiers. Chick-ninjas have the same problems.
And for all my ninja skills, I was TOTALLY unable to find tips for dating Knights or Smurfs. And trust me, I looked. All morning. I suppose you're supposed to consider yourself lucky to even know them... let alone DATE them.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-24 04:50 pm (UTC)I think sais are terribly romantic gifts. Which is why I want to get you some for your birthday. How about THAT?
I think I shall have to learn the words to "Kung Fu Fighting" now. Pronto.
Writing on the floor in pain is very close to just plain writing on the floor. And I find it hard to believe a studly ninja could resist that.
I'm glad you enjoyed this! HEE HEE! :)
more...
Date: 2001-09-24 10:58 am (UTC)* Never plan a surprise party for a Ninja. Their heightened state of awareness will tip them off about the people hiding in the apartment. Besides they hate it when you jump out from the darkness suddenly and yell surprise. Beheadings could really spoil the party.
* A ninja will never forget your birthday or anniversary if you explain that its a harikari-able (http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=seppuku) offense.
Re: more...
Date: 2001-09-24 04:51 pm (UTC)* Don't borrow any of the ninja weapons to use as kitchen utensils. A sword should smell of the blood of fallen enemies, not celery and onions.
This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Thanks, Allen! :)