The evolution of friendships

[judecorp]

I got into a rather interesting conversation with my Jennifer yesterday about friendship and about some of the many different friendships we've been in throughout our lives. I remember when I was getting ready to go off to college and my aunt pulled me aside to tell me that college was the best time of her life, and that I would never again make the kind of friends I would make in college, so I needed to really take good care of those friendships and appreciate the time for what it was.

Well, she was right - I made a number of great friendships when I was in college, some of which I continue to this day. I don't know what my life would be like if I'd never met Jodie, or Stefan, or Lia, or Dom, Pam, Kelly, Ronnie... god, what memories. Jodie is right there at the top of the list of best friends of all time, and I hope I never know a day when we are not friends and she's not in my life.

But in some ways I think my aunt was wrong, because I believe that I will never again in my life have friends like the ones I had in Columbus. There were so many people there who touched me in so many ways, but I think about the core group that has sprung up, with Peas and Reba and Patti and Carina and Nikki and their spouses. What amazing people they are.

I think about how Peas and Co. went and cleaned out Rebecca's house when she was in the hospital getting ready to have Kara early, because she wasn't expecting to deliver yet and there was still so much to do. I think about all of the times we all borrowed things from each other, showed up at each other's homes in our pajamas, and just generally supported each other. When times were tough, I know I could count on at least one of them to call and say, "Hey, I know things are rough right now - are you okay? Can I get you out for a while?" Heck, some of them STILL call me and say, "I'm worried about you."

It's not that I don't know anyone here in town, it's that it's different. I just don't feel that kind of soul connection right now, and I'm sure it's at least partly my fault. It's not like I've been doing a lot of reaching out, because the time isn't always there and it's easier to come home and crash when I can than try to finagle some sort of plan among busy people. And it's not like there's a shortage of get-togethers or parties or events... more like a shortage of reaching out.

I'm just as guilty, and I'm aware of that. A friend of mine is pregnant and almost every day I say, "Hey, I should call or e-mail her and see how she's doing, and if she needs anything, and if she's excited." And I should. And I don't.

I just don't know where I fit in anymore, not here, not at all. I don't know if the people I know aren't inclined to reach out when people are having trouble the way Reba threw Jen a surprise party when her thesis got rejected... or if I'm just not someone they want to reach out to. I miss having friends who would band together to try to make difficult situations easier. I miss The Girls. They are such damned awesome people.

I know that it always takes time when you move someplace to find your niche and settle into some sort of social situation. I just thought it would be easier here because we already knew so many people. Maybe the answer is to concentrate on cultivating the budding friendships that are starting to exist or have the potential to exist, with people like Christina and Eeka, or some of my cooler coworkers.

Maybe I just need to stop rambling and get ready to babysit.

Comments

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

My social worker friend here and I

<aside>Somehow, I keep making friends with social workers, no matter where I go. Maybe it's because they're such awesome people. Anyway...</aside>

My social worker friend here and I were talking about the nature of friendship groups a couple weeks ago. Philly's a hard city to break into, because it's basically a small town that happens to have 5 million people. And none of them are interested in expanding their circles. Boston is a lot like Philly in many ways, but I don't know if that social aspect carries through.

I suspect what happened to you, though, is that you moved there expecting that you knew all these people and it'd be easy to slide in. But those people you know (many—most?—through TIM?) aren't really connected to each other very strongly any more, so there wasn't actually a network to get into. In the years since you lived there before, your friends all went umpteen different directions, without a whole lot in common except having played this online game 10-15 years ago. That's not to say folks won't get together for an occasional party, but they get their support network primarily from other folks now.

I know there are exceptions to that, of course; I hope no one's offended that I'm talking about a social group that I've only ever been on the fringe of. It's not that you can't have your TIM and other Bostonian friends, I just don't think it's going to turn into something in the same style as what you had in Columbus; that's something new you have to build everywhere you go. Nurture it among your new friends, and mix your old ones in.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me to accept that your statement is true when every single close friend I have that lives here was met via TIM or via friends of TIM people, including Matt. But I'm a big weirdo, it's true, and I think it's MOSTLY right. And I'm finding it hard to get out a lot, anymore, which I think you could've predicted would be the case.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're a big weirdo at all. I think ARE all a very close-knit bunch. I'm seriously amazed that you have all stuck together so well and continue to cultivate a friendship after so many years and changes. It's an awesome thing.

It's just hard to be the odd person out. I lived here before and slipped seamlessly into the Old Gang, and then moved away for a time and have returned, only to find that the Old Gang is still the Old Gang but I don't feel like a part of it anymore.

My issue, not yours.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

(You befriend so many social workers because social workers are the best!!)

I agree with you that we put a lot of stock in the Old Gang when we decided to move because we'd always kept some semblance of a friendship with them over the years, and I know that we (Jen and I) both imagined that they would play a bigger part in our day-to-day lives than has happened. I think I was pretty naive on that front, or maybe I underestimated the effect of Just Plain Life, I don't know.

The TIM crowd here continues to be pretty close-knit, not everyone but there is definitely a core group who continue to be very close friends, and I guess in my head I always thought I would effortlessly slip back into the relationships I had with them when I was younger. I was really looking forward to getting reacquainted with everyone (because I know we've all changed in some ways) and having them get reacquainted with me. I just don't know how much that's happened and it kind of bums me out. I know that when we were thinking about moving here, we got lots of positive feedback about how cool it would be to have us so close by... but here we are close by and I don't know that it's much different than it was when I lived in Ohio and came back East for holidays and family fun.

*shrug* Life, it moves on. I just wish it didn't move on quite so quickly when I hit a place when I really needed some friends more than I ever have.