The evolution of friendships

[judecorp]

I got into a rather interesting conversation with my Jennifer yesterday about friendship and about some of the many different friendships we've been in throughout our lives. I remember when I was getting ready to go off to college and my aunt pulled me aside to tell me that college was the best time of her life, and that I would never again make the kind of friends I would make in college, so I needed to really take good care of those friendships and appreciate the time for what it was.

Well, she was right - I made a number of great friendships when I was in college, some of which I continue to this day. I don't know what my life would be like if I'd never met Jodie, or Stefan, or Lia, or Dom, Pam, Kelly, Ronnie... god, what memories. Jodie is right there at the top of the list of best friends of all time, and I hope I never know a day when we are not friends and she's not in my life.

But in some ways I think my aunt was wrong, because I believe that I will never again in my life have friends like the ones I had in Columbus. There were so many people there who touched me in so many ways, but I think about the core group that has sprung up, with Peas and Reba and Patti and Carina and Nikki and their spouses. What amazing people they are.

I think about how Peas and Co. went and cleaned out Rebecca's house when she was in the hospital getting ready to have Kara early, because she wasn't expecting to deliver yet and there was still so much to do. I think about all of the times we all borrowed things from each other, showed up at each other's homes in our pajamas, and just generally supported each other. When times were tough, I know I could count on at least one of them to call and say, "Hey, I know things are rough right now - are you okay? Can I get you out for a while?" Heck, some of them STILL call me and say, "I'm worried about you."

It's not that I don't know anyone here in town, it's that it's different. I just don't feel that kind of soul connection right now, and I'm sure it's at least partly my fault. It's not like I've been doing a lot of reaching out, because the time isn't always there and it's easier to come home and crash when I can than try to finagle some sort of plan among busy people. And it's not like there's a shortage of get-togethers or parties or events... more like a shortage of reaching out.

I'm just as guilty, and I'm aware of that. A friend of mine is pregnant and almost every day I say, "Hey, I should call or e-mail her and see how she's doing, and if she needs anything, and if she's excited." And I should. And I don't.

I just don't know where I fit in anymore, not here, not at all. I don't know if the people I know aren't inclined to reach out when people are having trouble the way Reba threw Jen a surprise party when her thesis got rejected... or if I'm just not someone they want to reach out to. I miss having friends who would band together to try to make difficult situations easier. I miss The Girls. They are such damned awesome people.

I know that it always takes time when you move someplace to find your niche and settle into some sort of social situation. I just thought it would be easier here because we already knew so many people. Maybe the answer is to concentrate on cultivating the budding friendships that are starting to exist or have the potential to exist, with people like Christina and Eeka, or some of my cooler coworkers.

Maybe I just need to stop rambling and get ready to babysit.

Comments

[laserkitty.livejournal.com]

We miss you too Jude.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

There was just something so special there, and I really just want to pack you all up and bring you here with us... because there's something so special about being here, too, and I want to share it with all of you sisterfriends.

[keelamonster.livejournal.com]

Friendships definitely evolve. And the friends you have in college are great but the friends you make at different stages in your life will mean different things to you. Sometimes you're in a place where you have a built in social setting (like a certain job or school or whatever). And sometimes you'll stumble onto themost amazing people at a grocery store or trivia night or at a bar.

I've got all kinds of those sorts of friends. And it's okay to look back and not be as close to the college friends as you thought you'd always be because your life changes. All of the friends I KNEW I'd have forever are people I barely speak to anymore. And people I figured would be a peripheral distraction are some of the dearest people I know.

God puts people in our lives when we need them. And sometimes they're there to stay. And sometimes they're not. We wish we could keep the same friends forever, but then again, as people grow and change, it's good that our friends grow and change with us. It's the dynamic nature of the world and our lives.

I'm not sure what my point is, other than that sometimes I get contemplative about the nature of friendships, too. And that the good news is that no one has any sort of friend quota, so you don't have to worry about using yours up if you've had good ones in the past and are feeling a little lonely now. The lonely just means that there's a friend-shaped hole waiting to be filled by someone wonderful. And sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit. You know?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm totally okay with the fact that friendships change and that some people move on and that's the way life is. I mean, it's not like I still actively maintain relationships with every single person I've ever been friends with, and then there are those surprises that come out of the woodwork, even wacky Republican doctors whom I absolutely love. ;)

I know that there's no "friend quota" and that I'm not incapable of forging new friendships... It's more like this is one of the hardest years of my life, and there are just so many bad things happening and it's so overwhelming and I'd just like a couple of good friends. Maybe even one. I'm not too picky. I know it takes a while to find the right fit, I just really could have used one all summer and it's starting to wear me down.

You're right, though - I'm just super lonely.

[keelamonster.livejournal.com]

I can totally understand that lonely. My year and a half in Alabama was like that. Super lonely.

I know it's not much, but I lurve you and would totally hug the chickens out of you if I were anywhere near you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Come and hug all of my chickens. Bring Ella! That would be a good time.

I'm glad you're loving your car seat and stroller!

[eeka13.livejournal.com]

Hey, thanks for pimpin me in your blog!

I've thought about this too. There've been a few times and places (yeah, college was a notable one for me too) where I had a group of friends where there was really a lot of spontaneity and just random hanging out. I have great friends now, but it seems like we only do planned things. I've also thought this might be a Boston thing, because it's just the norm here to go out to eat, go out shopping, maybe go out for a walk or something, but none of my various groups of friends here tend to just hang out for no particular reason. Or is it that I'm getting old and this is just what people do at this age? Who knows. I guess that this part of evolving and changing friendships I can deal with. The part I CAN'T deal with is the (fortunately very few) friends who all of the sudden morphed into the married-and-popping-out-kids life and can't find a place for me and my life in that, and frankly don't seem to want to. My friends are about half single/kidless and about half partnered and/or kidded, and we all hang out and it's cool. But there are a few who suddenly ditched me and started going exclusively to couples events (when I was single, and who haven't invited me back in, not that I'd want in at this point), or who would never dream of taking the kiddo anywhere other than to a kid-specific location, only welcoming friends who also are bringing kids. I much prefer the confusing strange world of morphing friendship styles to the OMG I GOTTA GO BE A MARRIED ADULT WITH 2.5 KIDS RIGHT THIS INSTANT shift.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You're welcome for the pimpage. I didn't know if you would think it was cool or if you'd be all "Jeeze, girl, stop stalking me just because we work for the same company!" ;)

I know what you mean about people being in different phases of life. I've never understand how changes like that can destroy or end friendships, because to me friendships are always these dynamic creations that continue to grow and change if you put the work into them. Many of my friends have changed over the years and we continue to be close because we make an effort to adapt to each other's changing circumstances. But some people aren't like that... something happens and they decide that they can only be friends with similar people and hey, that sucks.

I think right now I'm just the whiny, lonely girl whose dad died a couple of months ago and really would have just been totally tickled if someone had called every once in a while to say, "Hey, I haven't heard from you and I hope you're doing okay with everything," you know? And that probably makes me kind of a bitch, or maybe someone with unrealistic expectations, but I'd like to think I would do the same for a friend. Who knows?

I wonder, too, if age plays a part in how things go. Granted, age and responsibility often mean that people can't be as spontaneous as they used to be, but I think you can still have some spontaneity if you leave yourself open to it. I'm the master of last minute plans. E-mail me anytime you get desperate - although phone is probably better since I don't check e-mail at all during work hours most days.

you knew i had to say this

[hope-persists.livejournal.com]

solution: move to northampton and be my best friend. the end.

Re: you knew i had to say this

[jadefu.livejournal.com]

Jude's post then your post reminded me that I kept meaning to drop you a note to say hi and we should meet, so I'll do it publicly. Hi. :)

Re: you knew i had to say this

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You guys should chat. It could be fun!

Re: you knew i had to say this

[hope-persists.livejournal.com]

hi there! we totally should. aim is the best way to catch me: "persisting hope"

Re: you knew i had to say this

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But you already have 8763876829634 friends, so we wouldn't be all BFF! =P

Re: you knew i had to say this

[hope-persists.livejournal.com]

yeah, but none are as great as JUDE! lol.

Re: you knew i had to say this

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

True. ;)

[cranapril.livejournal.com]

We were recently hurt when some old friends (John college) did not invite us to their wedding. Oh wait, they didn't tell us when it was happening. And, didn't mention their engagement. Hrm.

Then we were invited on the same day to a different wedding... and these guys have kids, and live closer, and also ski, and we decided that certain friendships are worth cultivating, while others just slip away.

And that's fine.

First couple is no longer interested in trying to keep a friendship, except when it's to their benefit (like a free room when traveling to nearby work) but otherwise, they've stopped trying. I didn't expect a huge thank you, but an email would have sufficed.

And after sending a wedding present with no reply, you just have to tell yourself: Okay, I've done enough and it's time to move on.

Friendships are allowed to come and go. They're also allowed to change over time.

But then again, I don't have a lot of friends, so what do I know?!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You may not have "a lot" of friends (however many that is), but you've always struck me as someone who keeps good people around. I mean, you still talk to some high school friends, and you've been best friends with Carrie for a million years! :)

I definitely think friendships are allowed to come and go, although that's sometimes hard for me. I'd much prefer they change as the people change, that the people continue to work to keep the friendship going even when time and circumstances change, much like you and Carrie continue to do over the years. For me, once I cared about someone, I pretty much always do. I don't let go all that easily. Heck, I see you and John like twice a year but it's always a good time and I always like the chance to spend time with you guys and your kids. :)

[rebasayre.livejournal.com]

I have tears. You know that Jen's suprise party was two years ago next Tuesday?

I wish I could come over, smother you with a big hug, throw you and Jen in the tub, climb in with you, make Peas and Nikki and Kyle and Patti get in too, take pictures and then get out and jump in your bed while drinking champagne from a bottle.

We love you and miss you deep down in our heart and souls. I wish I knew what to do. Lots of wishing doesn't help. But does empathizing? I don't know, sister-soulmate-who-accepts-me-for-who-I-am.

I hear you. I feel you. I know. Loud and clear. From my heart to yours. And from my soul to yours. The miles don't matter.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Has it been that long already? Gosh, it doesn't seem like it, probably because I carry it so close to me inside my heart. I've never met anyone quite like you, Rebecca, who would do anything - ANYTHING - to make someone feel better. I guess that's one of the reasons I miss you guys so much right now, because things are just so hard and so icky and I just KNOW that you guys would be taking good care of us, heck, my whole family if you could.

May 13th is our first legal wedding anniversary and we want to throw a great big party, and you and Kyle and Kara and everyone else just HAVE to come!!

I love you.

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

My social worker friend here and I

<aside>Somehow, I keep making friends with social workers, no matter where I go. Maybe it's because they're such awesome people. Anyway...</aside>

My social worker friend here and I were talking about the nature of friendship groups a couple weeks ago. Philly's a hard city to break into, because it's basically a small town that happens to have 5 million people. And none of them are interested in expanding their circles. Boston is a lot like Philly in many ways, but I don't know if that social aspect carries through.

I suspect what happened to you, though, is that you moved there expecting that you knew all these people and it'd be easy to slide in. But those people you know (many—most?—through TIM?) aren't really connected to each other very strongly any more, so there wasn't actually a network to get into. In the years since you lived there before, your friends all went umpteen different directions, without a whole lot in common except having played this online game 10-15 years ago. That's not to say folks won't get together for an occasional party, but they get their support network primarily from other folks now.

I know there are exceptions to that, of course; I hope no one's offended that I'm talking about a social group that I've only ever been on the fringe of. It's not that you can't have your TIM and other Bostonian friends, I just don't think it's going to turn into something in the same style as what you had in Columbus; that's something new you have to build everywhere you go. Nurture it among your new friends, and mix your old ones in.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me to accept that your statement is true when every single close friend I have that lives here was met via TIM or via friends of TIM people, including Matt. But I'm a big weirdo, it's true, and I think it's MOSTLY right. And I'm finding it hard to get out a lot, anymore, which I think you could've predicted would be the case.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're a big weirdo at all. I think ARE all a very close-knit bunch. I'm seriously amazed that you have all stuck together so well and continue to cultivate a friendship after so many years and changes. It's an awesome thing.

It's just hard to be the odd person out. I lived here before and slipped seamlessly into the Old Gang, and then moved away for a time and have returned, only to find that the Old Gang is still the Old Gang but I don't feel like a part of it anymore.

My issue, not yours.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

(You befriend so many social workers because social workers are the best!!)

I agree with you that we put a lot of stock in the Old Gang when we decided to move because we'd always kept some semblance of a friendship with them over the years, and I know that we (Jen and I) both imagined that they would play a bigger part in our day-to-day lives than has happened. I think I was pretty naive on that front, or maybe I underestimated the effect of Just Plain Life, I don't know.

The TIM crowd here continues to be pretty close-knit, not everyone but there is definitely a core group who continue to be very close friends, and I guess in my head I always thought I would effortlessly slip back into the relationships I had with them when I was younger. I was really looking forward to getting reacquainted with everyone (because I know we've all changed in some ways) and having them get reacquainted with me. I just don't know how much that's happened and it kind of bums me out. I know that when we were thinking about moving here, we got lots of positive feedback about how cool it would be to have us so close by... but here we are close by and I don't know that it's much different than it was when I lived in Ohio and came back East for holidays and family fun.

*shrug* Life, it moves on. I just wish it didn't move on quite so quickly when I hit a place when I really needed some friends more than I ever have.

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

Awww. I love you. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

xoxoxo

[(Anonymous)]

i am in a similar situation, having moved in the last year, leaving some amazing relationships back home. and even though we keep in good contact via phone and email, it certainly isn't the same. while friendships come and go, it's the starting them that has me confused right now. i don't remember how i became so intimate with my best friends, it just happened. but now, it's like, can i walk up to someone and say "hi, i am feeling lonely, and i need someone that i can be myself around, someone that i can be vulnerable around, would you like to be that person? want to be my friend?" i feel like i am in 3rd grade again trying to find someone to eat lunch with. i guess it just takes time, and it's a tribute to my friendships that they cannot be replicated so quickly. sorry to butt in on your discussion, i just happened to stumble upon it and it hit home. good luck friend-making!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, I don't know who you are but I totally feel the same way! How do you go up to someone that you think is cool and say, "Hey, I'm desperate for a close friend and you look like someone that might fit," without looking like a total stalker freak??!?!

[(Anonymous)]

ok, this is too weird, but one of the other major themes in my life right now is keeping that spark going in my relationship. we have been together for 2.5 years and he is certainly my True Love, but man, i miss that i-love-you-so-much-i-don't-know-what-to-with-myself-so-i-am-calling-out-to-work-or-some-other-crazy-thing-because-i-cannot-take-my-eyes-off-of-you feeling. instead of "did you pick up milk today?" we have lived together for a year and a half, and things get mundane. it's not that i want to be back in the dating world to get that feeling... i want it with *him*. i think it's that the love manifests in different ways after time, but it's tough to let Intense Passionate Love go to let Deep Stable Love dominate. oh, and we just got 2 kittens... so you can imagine the twilite zone theme in the back of my head as i read your recent entries thinking "do i lead a double life unknowingly? am i reading my own journal?" anyway, i found your journal because anitsirk is one of said best friends and your username caught my eye on her friends list. i graduated from msc with her. actually, my True Love is scott fernandes little brother... i think scott was in your class. so again, sorry to be that weird lurker person, but i thought the similarities justified another post!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha ha, my internet twin is the beau of Scott Fernandes's little brother. Okay, now this is all Way. Too. Weird. Not that I have any kind of connection with Scott except for the fact that we were in the same class. Aah, Mount, how you continue to plague me!

I guess in some ways your comments are showing me that what I'm going through are not only normal parts of life, but also that my feelings about them are normal, too. Besides, any friend of Kristina's is a friend of mine.

But you really hit the nail right on the head, AGAIN, when you talk about wanting that "I can't keep my eyes off you" thing to come back, or stay, or whatever. I mean, let's face it, it's so flattering and such a boost to be the center of someone's universe. And you know, I'm probably STILL the center of her universe, it's just not nearly as obvious.

Yesterday I succumbed to a little more passive aggression than I would have liked. We were talking about her trip to the doctor and her big sinus infection, and then she said she had to go. I said, "Don't you want to know how /I'm/ feeling, too?" since I had also been sick that morning. I'm still not sure if what I did was healthy or not. Healthier than hanging up and stewing, sure. ;)