The evolution of friendships
Nov. 7th, 2005 05:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I got into a rather interesting conversation with my Jennifer yesterday about friendship and about some of the many different friendships we've been in throughout our lives. I remember when I was getting ready to go off to college and my aunt pulled me aside to tell me that college was the best time of her life, and that I would never again make the kind of friends I would make in college, so I needed to really take good care of those friendships and appreciate the time for what it was.
Well, she was right - I made a number of great friendships when I was in college, some of which I continue to this day. I don't know what my life would be like if I'd never met Jodie, or Stefan, or Lia, or Dom, Pam, Kelly, Ronnie... god, what memories. Jodie is right there at the top of the list of best friends of all time, and I hope I never know a day when we are not friends and she's not in my life.
But in some ways I think my aunt was wrong, because I believe that I will never again in my life have friends like the ones I had in Columbus. There were so many people there who touched me in so many ways, but I think about the core group that has sprung up, with Peas and Reba and Patti and Carina and Nikki and their spouses. What amazing people they are.
I think about how Peas and Co. went and cleaned out Rebecca's house when she was in the hospital getting ready to have Kara early, because she wasn't expecting to deliver yet and there was still so much to do. I think about all of the times we all borrowed things from each other, showed up at each other's homes in our pajamas, and just generally supported each other. When times were tough, I know I could count on at least one of them to call and say, "Hey, I know things are rough right now - are you okay? Can I get you out for a while?" Heck, some of them STILL call me and say, "I'm worried about you."
It's not that I don't know anyone here in town, it's that it's different. I just don't feel that kind of soul connection right now, and I'm sure it's at least partly my fault. It's not like I've been doing a lot of reaching out, because the time isn't always there and it's easier to come home and crash when I can than try to finagle some sort of plan among busy people. And it's not like there's a shortage of get-togethers or parties or events... more like a shortage of reaching out.
I'm just as guilty, and I'm aware of that. A friend of mine is pregnant and almost every day I say, "Hey, I should call or e-mail her and see how she's doing, and if she needs anything, and if she's excited." And I should. And I don't.
I just don't know where I fit in anymore, not here, not at all. I don't know if the people I know aren't inclined to reach out when people are having trouble the way Reba threw Jen a surprise party when her thesis got rejected... or if I'm just not someone they want to reach out to. I miss having friends who would band together to try to make difficult situations easier. I miss The Girls. They are such damned awesome people.
I know that it always takes time when you move someplace to find your niche and settle into some sort of social situation. I just thought it would be easier here because we already knew so many people. Maybe the answer is to concentrate on cultivating the budding friendships that are starting to exist or have the potential to exist, with people like Christina and Eeka, or some of my cooler coworkers.
Maybe I just need to stop rambling and get ready to babysit.
Well, she was right - I made a number of great friendships when I was in college, some of which I continue to this day. I don't know what my life would be like if I'd never met Jodie, or Stefan, or Lia, or Dom, Pam, Kelly, Ronnie... god, what memories. Jodie is right there at the top of the list of best friends of all time, and I hope I never know a day when we are not friends and she's not in my life.
But in some ways I think my aunt was wrong, because I believe that I will never again in my life have friends like the ones I had in Columbus. There were so many people there who touched me in so many ways, but I think about the core group that has sprung up, with Peas and Reba and Patti and Carina and Nikki and their spouses. What amazing people they are.
I think about how Peas and Co. went and cleaned out Rebecca's house when she was in the hospital getting ready to have Kara early, because she wasn't expecting to deliver yet and there was still so much to do. I think about all of the times we all borrowed things from each other, showed up at each other's homes in our pajamas, and just generally supported each other. When times were tough, I know I could count on at least one of them to call and say, "Hey, I know things are rough right now - are you okay? Can I get you out for a while?" Heck, some of them STILL call me and say, "I'm worried about you."
It's not that I don't know anyone here in town, it's that it's different. I just don't feel that kind of soul connection right now, and I'm sure it's at least partly my fault. It's not like I've been doing a lot of reaching out, because the time isn't always there and it's easier to come home and crash when I can than try to finagle some sort of plan among busy people. And it's not like there's a shortage of get-togethers or parties or events... more like a shortage of reaching out.
I'm just as guilty, and I'm aware of that. A friend of mine is pregnant and almost every day I say, "Hey, I should call or e-mail her and see how she's doing, and if she needs anything, and if she's excited." And I should. And I don't.
I just don't know where I fit in anymore, not here, not at all. I don't know if the people I know aren't inclined to reach out when people are having trouble the way Reba threw Jen a surprise party when her thesis got rejected... or if I'm just not someone they want to reach out to. I miss having friends who would band together to try to make difficult situations easier. I miss The Girls. They are such damned awesome people.
I know that it always takes time when you move someplace to find your niche and settle into some sort of social situation. I just thought it would be easier here because we already knew so many people. Maybe the answer is to concentrate on cultivating the budding friendships that are starting to exist or have the potential to exist, with people like Christina and Eeka, or some of my cooler coworkers.
Maybe I just need to stop rambling and get ready to babysit.
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Date: 2005-11-07 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-07 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-07 10:13 pm (UTC)I've got all kinds of those sorts of friends. And it's okay to look back and not be as close to the college friends as you thought you'd always be because your life changes. All of the friends I KNEW I'd have forever are people I barely speak to anymore. And people I figured would be a peripheral distraction are some of the dearest people I know.
God puts people in our lives when we need them. And sometimes they're there to stay. And sometimes they're not. We wish we could keep the same friends forever, but then again, as people grow and change, it's good that our friends grow and change with us. It's the dynamic nature of the world and our lives.
I'm not sure what my point is, other than that sometimes I get contemplative about the nature of friendships, too. And that the good news is that no one has any sort of friend quota, so you don't have to worry about using yours up if you've had good ones in the past and are feeling a little lonely now. The lonely just means that there's a friend-shaped hole waiting to be filled by someone wonderful. And sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit. You know?
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Date: 2005-11-08 04:15 am (UTC)I know that there's no "friend quota" and that I'm not incapable of forging new friendships... It's more like this is one of the hardest years of my life, and there are just so many bad things happening and it's so overwhelming and I'd just like a couple of good friends. Maybe even one. I'm not too picky. I know it takes a while to find the right fit, I just really could have used one all summer and it's starting to wear me down.
You're right, though - I'm just super lonely.
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Date: 2005-11-08 05:01 pm (UTC)I know it's not much, but I lurve you and would totally hug the chickens out of you if I were anywhere near you.
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Date: 2005-11-09 12:28 am (UTC)I'm glad you're loving your car seat and stroller!
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Date: 2005-11-07 10:33 pm (UTC)I've thought about this too. There've been a few times and places (yeah, college was a notable one for me too) where I had a group of friends where there was really a lot of spontaneity and just random hanging out. I have great friends now, but it seems like we only do planned things. I've also thought this might be a Boston thing, because it's just the norm here to go out to eat, go out shopping, maybe go out for a walk or something, but none of my various groups of friends here tend to just hang out for no particular reason. Or is it that I'm getting old and this is just what people do at this age? Who knows. I guess that this part of evolving and changing friendships I can deal with. The part I CAN'T deal with is the (fortunately very few) friends who all of the sudden morphed into the married-and-popping-out-kids life and can't find a place for me and my life in that, and frankly don't seem to want to. My friends are about half single/kidless and about half partnered and/or kidded, and we all hang out and it's cool. But there are a few who suddenly ditched me and started going exclusively to couples events (when I was single, and who haven't invited me back in, not that I'd want in at this point), or who would never dream of taking the kiddo anywhere other than to a kid-specific location, only welcoming friends who also are bringing kids. I much prefer the confusing strange world of morphing friendship styles to the OMG I GOTTA GO BE A MARRIED ADULT WITH 2.5 KIDS RIGHT THIS INSTANT shift.
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Date: 2005-11-08 04:20 am (UTC)I know what you mean about people being in different phases of life. I've never understand how changes like that can destroy or end friendships, because to me friendships are always these dynamic creations that continue to grow and change if you put the work into them. Many of my friends have changed over the years and we continue to be close because we make an effort to adapt to each other's changing circumstances. But some people aren't like that... something happens and they decide that they can only be friends with similar people and hey, that sucks.
I think right now I'm just the whiny, lonely girl whose dad died a couple of months ago and really would have just been totally tickled if someone had called every once in a while to say, "Hey, I haven't heard from you and I hope you're doing okay with everything," you know? And that probably makes me kind of a bitch, or maybe someone with unrealistic expectations, but I'd like to think I would do the same for a friend. Who knows?
I wonder, too, if age plays a part in how things go. Granted, age and responsibility often mean that people can't be as spontaneous as they used to be, but I think you can still have some spontaneity if you leave yourself open to it. I'm the master of last minute plans. E-mail me anytime you get desperate - although phone is probably better since I don't check e-mail at all during work hours most days.
you knew i had to say this
Date: 2005-11-07 11:10 pm (UTC)Re: you knew i had to say this
Date: 2005-11-08 02:18 am (UTC)Re: you knew i had to say this
Date: 2005-11-08 04:21 am (UTC)Re: you knew i had to say this
Date: 2005-11-08 04:50 am (UTC)Re: you knew i had to say this
Date: 2005-11-08 04:21 am (UTC)Re: you knew i had to say this
Date: 2005-11-08 04:40 am (UTC)Re: you knew i had to say this
Date: 2005-11-09 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-07 11:59 pm (UTC)Then we were invited on the same day to a different wedding... and these guys have kids, and live closer, and also ski, and we decided that certain friendships are worth cultivating, while others just slip away.
And that's fine.
First couple is no longer interested in trying to keep a friendship, except when it's to their benefit (like a free room when traveling to nearby work) but otherwise, they've stopped trying. I didn't expect a huge thank you, but an email would have sufficed.
And after sending a wedding present with no reply, you just have to tell yourself: Okay, I've done enough and it's time to move on.
Friendships are allowed to come and go. They're also allowed to change over time.
But then again, I don't have a lot of friends, so what do I know?!
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Date: 2005-11-08 04:24 am (UTC)I definitely think friendships are allowed to come and go, although that's sometimes hard for me. I'd much prefer they change as the people change, that the people continue to work to keep the friendship going even when time and circumstances change, much like you and Carrie continue to do over the years. For me, once I cared about someone, I pretty much always do. I don't let go all that easily. Heck, I see you and John like twice a year but it's always a good time and I always like the chance to spend time with you guys and your kids. :)
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Date: 2005-11-08 12:39 am (UTC)I wish I could come over, smother you with a big hug, throw you and Jen in the tub, climb in with you, make Peas and Nikki and Kyle and Patti get in too, take pictures and then get out and jump in your bed while drinking champagne from a bottle.
We love you and miss you deep down in our heart and souls. I wish I knew what to do. Lots of wishing doesn't help. But does empathizing? I don't know, sister-soulmate-who-accepts-me-for-who-I-am.
I hear you. I feel you. I know. Loud and clear. From my heart to yours. And from my soul to yours. The miles don't matter.
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Date: 2005-11-08 04:12 am (UTC)May 13th is our first legal wedding anniversary and we want to throw a great big party, and you and Kyle and Kara and everyone else just HAVE to come!!
I love you.
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Date: 2005-11-08 12:42 am (UTC)<aside>Somehow, I keep making friends with social workers, no matter where I go. Maybe it's because they're such awesome people. Anyway...</aside>
My social worker friend here and I were talking about the nature of friendship groups a couple weeks ago. Philly's a hard city to break into, because it's basically a small town that happens to have 5 million people. And none of them are interested in expanding their circles. Boston is a lot like Philly in many ways, but I don't know if that social aspect carries through.
I suspect what happened to you, though, is that you moved there expecting that you knew all these people and it'd be easy to slide in. But those people you know (many—most?—through TIM?) aren't really connected to each other very strongly any more, so there wasn't actually a network to get into. In the years since you lived there before, your friends all went umpteen different directions, without a whole lot in common except having played this online game 10-15 years ago. That's not to say folks won't get together for an occasional party, but they get their support network primarily from other folks now.
I know there are exceptions to that, of course; I hope no one's offended that I'm talking about a social group that I've only ever been on the fringe of. It's not that you can't have your TIM and other Bostonian friends, I just don't think it's going to turn into something in the same style as what you had in Columbus; that's something new you have to build everywhere you go. Nurture it among your new friends, and mix your old ones in.
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Date: 2005-11-08 02:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-08 03:38 am (UTC)It's just hard to be the odd person out. I lived here before and slipped seamlessly into the Old Gang, and then moved away for a time and have returned, only to find that the Old Gang is still the Old Gang but I don't feel like a part of it anymore.
My issue, not yours.
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Date: 2005-11-08 04:29 am (UTC)I agree with you that we put a lot of stock in the Old Gang when we decided to move because we'd always kept some semblance of a friendship with them over the years, and I know that we (Jen and I) both imagined that they would play a bigger part in our day-to-day lives than has happened. I think I was pretty naive on that front, or maybe I underestimated the effect of Just Plain Life, I don't know.
The TIM crowd here continues to be pretty close-knit, not everyone but there is definitely a core group who continue to be very close friends, and I guess in my head I always thought I would effortlessly slip back into the relationships I had with them when I was younger. I was really looking forward to getting reacquainted with everyone (because I know we've all changed in some ways) and having them get reacquainted with me. I just don't know how much that's happened and it kind of bums me out. I know that when we were thinking about moving here, we got lots of positive feedback about how cool it would be to have us so close by... but here we are close by and I don't know that it's much different than it was when I lived in Ohio and came back East for holidays and family fun.
*shrug* Life, it moves on. I just wish it didn't move on quite so quickly when I hit a place when I really needed some friends more than I ever have.
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Date: 2005-11-08 11:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 04:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-11 02:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-11 12:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-11 01:32 pm (UTC)I guess in some ways your comments are showing me that what I'm going through are not only normal parts of life, but also that my feelings about them are normal, too. Besides, any friend of Kristina's is a friend of mine.
But you really hit the nail right on the head, AGAIN, when you talk about wanting that "I can't keep my eyes off you" thing to come back, or stay, or whatever. I mean, let's face it, it's so flattering and such a boost to be the center of someone's universe. And you know, I'm probably STILL the center of her universe, it's just not nearly as obvious.
Yesterday I succumbed to a little more passive aggression than I would have liked. We were talking about her trip to the doctor and her big sinus infection, and then she said she had to go. I said, "Don't you want to know how /I'm/ feeling, too?" since I had also been sick that morning. I'm still not sure if what I did was healthy or not. Healthier than hanging up and stewing, sure. ;)