The evolution of friendships
Nov. 7th, 2005 05:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI got into a rather interesting conversation with my Jennifer yesterday about friendship and about some of the many different friendships we've been in throughout our lives. I remember when I was getting ready to go off to college and my aunt pulled me aside to tell me that college was the best time of her life, and that I would never again make the kind of friends I would make in college, so I needed to really take good care of those friendships and appreciate the time for what it was.
Well, she was right - I made a number of great friendships when I was in college, some of which I continue to this day. I don't know what my life would be like if I'd never met Jodie, or Stefan, or Lia, or Dom, Pam, Kelly, Ronnie... god, what memories. Jodie is right there at the top of the list of best friends of all time, and I hope I never know a day when we are not friends and she's not in my life.
But in some ways I think my aunt was wrong, because I believe that I will never again in my life have friends like the ones I had in Columbus. There were so many people there who touched me in so many ways, but I think about the core group that has sprung up, with Peas and Reba and Patti and Carina and Nikki and their spouses. What amazing people they are.
I think about how Peas and Co. went and cleaned out Rebecca's house when she was in the hospital getting ready to have Kara early, because she wasn't expecting to deliver yet and there was still so much to do. I think about all of the times we all borrowed things from each other, showed up at each other's homes in our pajamas, and just generally supported each other. When times were tough, I know I could count on at least one of them to call and say, "Hey, I know things are rough right now - are you okay? Can I get you out for a while?" Heck, some of them STILL call me and say, "I'm worried about you."
It's not that I don't know anyone here in town, it's that it's different. I just don't feel that kind of soul connection right now, and I'm sure it's at least partly my fault. It's not like I've been doing a lot of reaching out, because the time isn't always there and it's easier to come home and crash when I can than try to finagle some sort of plan among busy people. And it's not like there's a shortage of get-togethers or parties or events... more like a shortage of reaching out.
I'm just as guilty, and I'm aware of that. A friend of mine is pregnant and almost every day I say, "Hey, I should call or e-mail her and see how she's doing, and if she needs anything, and if she's excited." And I should. And I don't.
I just don't know where I fit in anymore, not here, not at all. I don't know if the people I know aren't inclined to reach out when people are having trouble the way Reba threw Jen a surprise party when her thesis got rejected... or if I'm just not someone they want to reach out to. I miss having friends who would band together to try to make difficult situations easier. I miss The Girls. They are such damned awesome people.
I know that it always takes time when you move someplace to find your niche and settle into some sort of social situation. I just thought it would be easier here because we already knew so many people. Maybe the answer is to concentrate on cultivating the budding friendships that are starting to exist or have the potential to exist, with people like Christina and Eeka, or some of my cooler coworkers.
Maybe I just need to stop rambling and get ready to babysit.
Well, she was right - I made a number of great friendships when I was in college, some of which I continue to this day. I don't know what my life would be like if I'd never met Jodie, or Stefan, or Lia, or Dom, Pam, Kelly, Ronnie... god, what memories. Jodie is right there at the top of the list of best friends of all time, and I hope I never know a day when we are not friends and she's not in my life.
But in some ways I think my aunt was wrong, because I believe that I will never again in my life have friends like the ones I had in Columbus. There were so many people there who touched me in so many ways, but I think about the core group that has sprung up, with Peas and Reba and Patti and Carina and Nikki and their spouses. What amazing people they are.
I think about how Peas and Co. went and cleaned out Rebecca's house when she was in the hospital getting ready to have Kara early, because she wasn't expecting to deliver yet and there was still so much to do. I think about all of the times we all borrowed things from each other, showed up at each other's homes in our pajamas, and just generally supported each other. When times were tough, I know I could count on at least one of them to call and say, "Hey, I know things are rough right now - are you okay? Can I get you out for a while?" Heck, some of them STILL call me and say, "I'm worried about you."
It's not that I don't know anyone here in town, it's that it's different. I just don't feel that kind of soul connection right now, and I'm sure it's at least partly my fault. It's not like I've been doing a lot of reaching out, because the time isn't always there and it's easier to come home and crash when I can than try to finagle some sort of plan among busy people. And it's not like there's a shortage of get-togethers or parties or events... more like a shortage of reaching out.
I'm just as guilty, and I'm aware of that. A friend of mine is pregnant and almost every day I say, "Hey, I should call or e-mail her and see how she's doing, and if she needs anything, and if she's excited." And I should. And I don't.
I just don't know where I fit in anymore, not here, not at all. I don't know if the people I know aren't inclined to reach out when people are having trouble the way Reba threw Jen a surprise party when her thesis got rejected... or if I'm just not someone they want to reach out to. I miss having friends who would band together to try to make difficult situations easier. I miss The Girls. They are such damned awesome people.
I know that it always takes time when you move someplace to find your niche and settle into some sort of social situation. I just thought it would be easier here because we already knew so many people. Maybe the answer is to concentrate on cultivating the budding friendships that are starting to exist or have the potential to exist, with people like Christina and Eeka, or some of my cooler coworkers.
Maybe I just need to stop rambling and get ready to babysit.
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Date: 2005-11-08 04:20 am (UTC)I know what you mean about people being in different phases of life. I've never understand how changes like that can destroy or end friendships, because to me friendships are always these dynamic creations that continue to grow and change if you put the work into them. Many of my friends have changed over the years and we continue to be close because we make an effort to adapt to each other's changing circumstances. But some people aren't like that... something happens and they decide that they can only be friends with similar people and hey, that sucks.
I think right now I'm just the whiny, lonely girl whose dad died a couple of months ago and really would have just been totally tickled if someone had called every once in a while to say, "Hey, I haven't heard from you and I hope you're doing okay with everything," you know? And that probably makes me kind of a bitch, or maybe someone with unrealistic expectations, but I'd like to think I would do the same for a friend. Who knows?
I wonder, too, if age plays a part in how things go. Granted, age and responsibility often mean that people can't be as spontaneous as they used to be, but I think you can still have some spontaneity if you leave yourself open to it. I'm the master of last minute plans. E-mail me anytime you get desperate - although phone is probably better since I don't check e-mail at all during work hours most days.