judecorp | I want my Mommy!

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adventures in babysitting

I want my Mommy!

You know, I have fun when I'm babysitting, all the way up until it's time for bed. Then it is just SO exhausting.

E will just not go to sleep! She follows the whole bedtime routine perfectly - potty, pajamas, toothbrushing, two books... then all hell breaks loose. She just Will. Not. Sleep. She lays there, eyes wide, telling me she misses Mommy 873278723957 times. (And I know she misses Mommy, and I feel bad that she misses Mommy, but really, what can I do about it?)

I've tried almost everything... from cuddling and trying to make her feel better to explaining that Mommy will be home soon to ignoring her after the first couple of times to saying, "Shhh, time for sleep, no more talking" a million times to laying in bed next to her and reading a book. Sometimes she falls asleep eventually (bedtime is at 8 and the moms come home between 10 and 10:30 usually) and sometimes she is still awake when they get home.

It's just so exhausting. In fact, I'm now dreading going over there because I don't want another 2 hours of "I want my Mommy" when there isn't a dang thing I can do to help. It's not like I can mysteriously make Mommy come home, you know? (I tell them this is going on, that's really the best I can do.) It becomes so tedious and last week I really felt myself becoming irritated.

I need to think of another strategy, and quick, because I'm not up for that tonight.

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I'd just tell her mommey will be home when she wakes up, close her bedroom door, and leave her. You're wearing yourself out fighting a losing battle, because she's getting what she wants. Your attention. As long as it works, she'll keep it up. It may seem harsh, but ignoring it is the best thing you could do for you both. Close her door, and good read well away from her.

I agree. She's stalling because she's figured out that you'll continue to entertain her. It's hard to get a kid to sleep (I know I always felt like a terrible person), but give her a few chances -- snack, story, etc. -- and then do what the two responses above this suggest. She'll probably cry, etc. but do your best to ignore it and eventually she'll figure it out.

Or, you could have a chat with the moms and let them know that this behavior is about to cost them a babysitter and they may take it more seriously.

Or, you can just do what I used to do when kids refused to sleep -- I'd put them to bed, turn out the lights, etc. and then read out loud from the most boring book I could find.

Usually after it continues for a little while, I roll over and start reading whatever book is on the nightstand. (Don't worry, they're all boring, heh.) Not out loud, just to myself. And I stop answering her.

I wouldn't worry about it if it was my kid, but this isn't my kid and I know that her parents are a little more lax on the limits than I am/would be. I walk a fine line where I try to do what I think is right but also within the parameters of their home routines.

I don't want to ignore her because her parents wouldn't ignore her... and I don't think ignoring her is the best thing. I mean, yes, she's trying to get my attention but she is also upset. And ignoring someone's pain is a complete no-no in my book.

In retrospect, "ignore" was not a good word choice. Ignoring pain is never good, but at the same time, this situation seems to be causing you pain. I've found consistency to be one of the most important things with kids and if you're not willing to deal with this every week, something needs to happen. A gap between you and the moms on this issue could easily encourage such behavior, so perhaps talking to the moms (explaining your frustrations and how the situation is affecting you) might be a good idea. Does she stall on her bedtime with them? How do they deal with it?

From where I sit, how it's irritating you (to the point of making you dread babysitting) makes not finding a solution essentially ignoring your own pain.

But, I'm also at the point in my babysitting career where if it's not fun, I don't do it* so take my opinions for what you think they're worth.

*don't take that to mean I bail the moment something is not fun, but if something consistently frustrates me about a babysitting situation (especially if I can't condone the parenting style -- i.e. dishonest and disrespectful kids), I don't put myself in that situation again. It just stresses me out and that's not good for anyone.

What /needs/ to happen is that the parents need to come up with a plan to address the situation, as it doesn't just go down this way the nights that I'm there, but all the time. So the two of them really need to decide what they want to do as a family and then do it. They should also let me know so I can do the same thing and set up a family routine.

Right now it's kind of chaotic because there /is/ no routine, and I'm a pretty routine-oriented person, especially when it comes to toddlers/preschoolers.

I don't spend my nights dreading babysitting and I don't think it's causing me actual pain, but I /do/ dislike the bedtime schtick (or lack thereof) and that needs to change. Perhaps I need to be more on top of letting the moms know that the situation has really escalated.

It sounds like the moms are lucky to have you -- someone who actively cares is priceless. That said, I agree that routine is very important -- especially for young kids. I don't have to go into why, but I think it's important enough to have a potentially awkward conversation about. Good luck and E is lucky to have a sitter who cares as much as you do.

It's true - I'm a dang good babysitter. Which is why I charge a decent amount of money. Heck, I'm 30 and have a handful of advanced degrees... so I definitely think I'm worth more than the teenager around the corner. ;)

Absolutely!

Also, I don't do it for fun, I do it for money. (I mean, it's more fun than being a waiter, which is why I do this instead.) And right now, we need that money.

it's more fun than being a waiter

That's pretty much exactly what I meant by fun. I've babysat kids in the past who made me think food service was an excellent option. Once I feel that way, it's not worth it and I can find a different part-time jobby-job. It sounds like it's not quite that bad yet, so again, best of luck and stay warm!

Thanks!

The problem with that is that it would be dramatically different from her bedroom routine with her parents (who DO lay in the bed with her until she falls asleep). I try to "shake it up" by sitting in the chair in the bedroom instead of laying in the bed, but really, then I hear a million choruses of "Mommy does this or that."

Heh, I'm already the hardass in the house. There was High Drama tonight because I wouldn't carry her babydoll stroller upstairs to her bedroom (who needs a stroller when you're sleeping?) because apparently Mommy does that, too. HECK NO.

I know she's trying to get my attention (which is why I stop acknowledging her saying the same thing after she's said it a couple of times), but I don't want to do something the parents aren't doing, yanno? Not my kid.

Holy crap. I wonder if Mommy really does all that, or if the kiddo is just saying that to try to get you to do it. No wonder she gives you a hard time, if mommy coddles her that much. Man. O.o

No, Mommy does. Well, at least about the stroller thing, because I brought it up tonight. (I make sure to bring up all of our Drama incidents, because E is 3 and she will surely talk about them in the morning, so I want to give them a heads up.)

Tonight when Mommy came home I mentioned the stroller bit and how there was a full-on tantrum in the kitchen about it, and Mommy said, "Yeah, I have been bringing it up." I pointed to it down near the front door and said, "Well, tonight it decided to live downstairs." ;)

Mama's a little better with the limits, Mommy's a self-defined pushover.

Word^^^. We went through this for years with E's daughter. She used to cry cry cry everytime she went to bed at our house because she missed her mommy. It's an age thing- she's running out the door of her house and into our car before her mom can even say good-bye these days. But E always had the crying thing under control. He would go through the whole bedtime ritual and, without fail, she would start the "I miss mommy" bit as soon as the light went out. He would just give her a kiss and tell her "I'm sorry you miss mommy, but it's time to go to bed." Sometimes he'd have to tell her two or three times, but he was firm and consistent and it never took more than like 20 minutes for her to fall asleep.

Yeah. Usually I acknowledge it a time or two and then I tell her to stop talking. She hates it, but for the most part it works.

EXCEPT that her parents don't really address this issue (she does it for them, too, not just me... without the "I miss Mommy" bit, just the staying up)... so I'm stuck in a jam between wanting to nip the problem in the bud and wanting to go along with whatever her parents are doing.

At least with E, it's his kid. That gives him a little more say than me. ;)

I'm pretty sure I pulled that as a little kid... My poor babysitters!

Woah, look at your fancy new photo!

I don't know why everybody thinks it's so fancy... It must be that my hair is actually doing this pretty little curl thing that it never does...?

I don't know, it's the total picture - the pretty hair, the necklace, the nice smile... you just look really dressed up!

You totally need to go the SuperNanny bedtime routine.
I *HEART* SuperNanny.

Then again, she isn't your kid. Hrm.

Maybe having a talk with the Mom's and letting them know this is an issue? Perhaps they can do some positive reinforcement (eg sticker chart), or give her a transitional object (eg teddy bear or tshirt that smells like Mom) to help soothe her? Is she the type of child that likes praise/rewards? Maybe they can "reward" her with a souvenier of the night before if she goes to bed on time?

Man, I'm in full on family therapy mode tonight.
Let me know if you try any of these or if I just gave you some amusement. :)

You've hit the nail right on the head: She's not my child.

Because she's not my child, I don't feel like it's my place to change up the bedtime routines... and since the moms have been really lax about "helping her fall asleep" (for a while they were sticking to a cool 'Mama will sit in the chair and not talk and you can put yourself to sleep' thing that lasted maybe 2 weeks) I feel like it would be disaster both for E and for me as a babysitter if I instituted a harder-line "Monday evening only" routine.

I have talked to her parents a couple of times about this and there's always some element of "yeah, we need to get back to that..." but in the end, it's their call, not mine.

I've managed to stick some little things in the framework of their routine (like answering everything she says after the first couple of statements with, "No talking, time for bed.") but what I usually end up doing is busting out the Big Gun: "If you talk again, I am going to go sit in the chair." That usually works - she's not sleeping but she doesn't talk anymore.

I don't feel comfortable doing much more because she's not my child and it's not really up to me to change her routines. Blah!

If she were a cat the advice would be to have some intense play before bedtime, that winds down into sleepyland.

Cats don't obey but at least they LIKE sleeping ;)

I totally tried that last week! Holy crap, we were all over the place - jumping and dancing and being a marching band and all of that... and then we wound down with some yoga. I tell ya, the kid's immune to sleep!

I'm going through something similar with the 9 month old I watch...he's extremely fussy with me on sporadic moments, and I know he's popping teeth like crazy, but nothing seems to soothe him in these moments. I'm frustrated because nothing I do seems to help and his mother can be kind of passive aggressive and condescending when I have attempted to talk with her about it, making me feel worse.

I feel for you with the constant crying for Mommy...that would be heartwrenching and exhausting!

Well, if it were a 9-month-old I would probably feel very different. E is 3 and she is totally able to separate from her parents (she goes to childcare and she is also fine with saying goodbye to them when they leave) - she has just gotten them into a routine where she only sleeps if they're laying in the bed with her, and that's been hard for them to get out of.

Once they change their system, I think it will be a lot easier. Six days a week she's used to having Mommy in her bed to cuddle. I'm a poor substitute. ;)

I've usually had good luck with singing/humming; stuff without words or folk-type stuff with complex words she isn't going to tune into, starting out where she is (agitated? excited?) and then getting gradually slower and quieter. And otherwise ignoring her unless she actually needs something. I can get most kids to sleep in 10 minutes or less, but then, I'm a music therapist. Still, I think it should work with most kids. Otherwise, I'd go with the suggestion other people have made that you walk out and ignore her.

Perhaps this makes me an ineffective babysitter, but I can not walk out and ignore her crying. I don't agree with "crying it out" and I certainly wouldn't start testing it out with someone else's kid.

The thing that's tough is that she doesn't really act excited, irritated, agitated, or upset in any way. She's totally compliant with getting ready for bed, putting on pajamas, picking out stories, and drinking her milk (though she has been fighting toothbrushing but from what the moms say, she's like that for them, too). Going to sleep has always been a problem for her (she insists she needs mommy to fall asleep, and they haven't been terribly consistant with deciding a plan of action for this) and the music may help - I'll have to give that a try next time.

I think, though, what I really need to do is talk with the moms about it because the solution really needs to come from them.

Yeah, I think it depends on the kid's personality and the situation. There are kids I've known personally and professionally who get into moods where they're overly stressed and tired and they're going to cry, and it seems to be better to just let them have that space and be in the mood they need to be in. There are also kids who need this and that every 5 seconds, and it's clear that they haven't been consistently taught that their needs will be met. I tend to think that it's good for kids to have the experience of at least one person who consistently will meet their needs, but then, when they've gotten to a certain point where they aren't confident that their needs will be met and have become difficult kids, I'm not always sure if I'm teaching them that they're allowed to express needs or if I'm teaching them that they're allowed to demand attention inappropriately.

What I like about using music is that it's ambiguous. If you're humming kind of in a similar mood to the kid, but not outright interacting with the kid, it's like you're joining the kid in their space and giving them attention, but it's really not clear to them (or you) whether you're soothing them, ignoring them, drowning them out, etc. You're kind of really doing all of the above. Providing a holding environment is really effective, because then you aren't abandoning the kid, but you also aren't engaging them. It's a message of "I'm here, your needs are valid, but I'm in charge here and what we're doing right now is winding down." I think that even little kids know that it's such a gift you're providing them with, and they don't tend to fight with someone who's humming or playing guitar or something just for them. It's really kind of a way of active ignoring; you're DOING something, so it's more comfortable for everyone that you're not engaging the whimpers and complaints than if you did completely ignore them.

I am the toddler whisperer and also a seasoned "I Want My Mommy" vet. Here is my trick which very rarely fails:

"The Eyebrow Trick" (a Laura Jones original) - While the child is lying in bed in very dim light if any, use your thumb and middle or forefinger to stroke both eyebrows very lightly from the middles out to the tips. Just keep doing it very slowly and lightly and rhythmically. While you're doing it, answer maybe every fourth question or concern of the child. For every four "I want my mommy"s, you say one "I know, honey" or whatever, very quietly. It takes some patience, but it has always been a miracle worker for me.

If that doesn't work, you can always try reverse/tricky psychology. Often if I just say to a screaming kid, "Do you just want to sit and cry for a while?" they quit within 10 seconds. Maybe you could ask her if she wants to just lie in bed and miss mommy for a while. I know we all know this, but it never hurts to say it: sometimes we all just want to be validated.

Hope at least some of that helps!!

love,
Your Labortine

Wow, I might have to try the reverse psychology on my daughter. I don't feel bad letting her CIO (she will be 3 in one month) but it really does get old that she pulls the same thing every night. Letting her read in bed with the light on worked for awhile, but now she is OK if we're in there paying attention to her, but throwing a fit when we leave the room.

With my son I do the "Supernanny" routine. He is 13 mos old, has been in a toddler bed for 2-3 weeks now and was on a mattress on the floor before that, but when he gets out of bed and cries at the door, i go in and put him back in bed, and 99 times out of 100 he just does that once and immediately stops crying and closes his eyes when I put him back in bed. (If I stay in the room his cries will escalate to screaming and throwing himself around and last an hour or longer). Of course Maylie used to go to bed great too, it's just the past 6 months or so she's gotten unbearable.

That's awesome that Grego can stay in the toddler bed. :)

I will try your "Toddler Whisperer" tricks!

xoxo

My parents didn't have very pleasant ways of making me go to bed if I was resistant. I learned not to go to bed punctually but rather to pretend that I did and then read under the covers with a flashlight or an unscrewed lamp fixture until 3 in the morning.

My grandmother, on the other hand, would put what I now realize was probably around two shots of whiskey in my tea or whatever I was drinking around bedtime. Of course, she would occasionally put that amount in my pancakes in the morning, if she made pancakes, so it didn't always have soporific intent. (Isn't that an awesome word?) My grandmother was awesome for many reasons, which is probably why she's dead.

Failing drugging your charge, the policy I always had with that age in my babysitting days was to exhaust the hell out of them shortly before bedtime. While they may appear to be invulnerable to conventional weapons, kids that age do actually run out of energy eventually- they'll just try not to let on for as long as possible.

It's also a LOT better to have them try to read to you, if they're at all able, or read a picture book- eye fatigue is still the quickest way to get a person of any age to get to sleep.

I just realized that, in the interest of respecting my late grandmother, I should amend the spelling of "whiskey" to the Irish "whisky." My grandmother probably wouldn't have corrected me if I'd spelled it "feilsjrwe," of course, but that sort of thing will get your ass kicked in the wrong company.

We do read books before bed. She's not reading yet, and she's not really into looking at picture books on her own. (She's much more of a pretend play kind of kid, who will make her stuffed animals talk to each other or imagine scenarios in her head, which unfortunately is much more likely to keep her awake.)

I wish I could slip her some booze sometimes. Yeah, maybe that's what I''ll do. That will make me the best babysitter ever!! ;)

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I want my Mommy!

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