Invisible Houseguest

[judecorp]

The other day, Jen and I were casually hypothesizing about how her mother might refer to me to friends and other relatives. This came on the tail of my BIL and SIL's holiday letter that called me Jen's "partner." So we went back and forth and Jen said her mom (who, even though she has never been unkind or unwelcoming to me, seems to have a tough time [still!!] with the whole 'Jen likes girls' thing) probably also used "partner" even though she very much knows we're married.

Well, over our little holiday visit we got the definitive answer to that speculation: she doesn't refer to me at all. I simply don't exist in the grand scheme of Jen's mom's public life, excepting close family members and close family friends who talk to Jen and therefore can't be fooled.

I would be lying if I said that didn't bother me. After all, I consider these people my family and I go out of my way not only to be nice to them, but to interact with them and learn about them. I picked all of their holiday gifts this year, and they were all smashing successes. Hello, I'm doing my part!

So I was more than a little irritated when my MIL's friends came over (they know of me, they're close with Jen) and my MIL was telling them all about the karaoke machine that Jen bought for her. Right in front of me! (We'll leave out the part where she said of me, "I know her name is Jude but I call her Judy anyway," which totally went straight up my butt.)

But that was nothing compared to the sting of when one of my MIL's friends called and they were chatting about their houseguests, mentioning that "my daughter is here, and so is my son and daughter-in-law." She also pointed out that, "my daughter is leaving today, I'm taking her to the airport, but my son and his wife are staying for a few more days." She later said nearly the exact same thing to another friend.

You know, I could fool myself that she wasn't specifically leaving me out if she hadn't mentioned M's wife. If she just mentioned her kids, okay, whatever. But no. M, his wife, Jen - the houseguests. In the car on the way to the airport, my MIL said that one of her friends on the phone wished us a safe flight, and I wanted to yell, "Not me, [MIL], because you neglected to mention that I was in your house."

Somehow I think I would rather be called Jen's partner. At least then I would exist somewhere in the picture. I don't like being the person that someone is too embarrassed to mention - let alone my own MIL.

I know the issue is her own homophobia rather than something to do with me, but that doesn't really make it hurt any less.

Comments

[thespian.livejournal.com]

though if any of Jen's mother's friends (she's not your mother-in-anything if she's going to be so intentionally ignorant) don't know your chica's all about the girls, they're blind, lying to themselves, or dumb. maybe all.

But sadly, it can't get better until Jen herself sits her down and says something akin to "I don't want to have this talk with you, mother, but you're hurting my *wife*. Not my partner, not my 'friend'." While her mother is doing this, it's a rejection of you, and a rejection of Jen. It shouldn't be acceptable to either of you. I'd say over any holidays in the next year, you and Jen should respectfully decline, on the basis that you'd rather spend family holidays together as a family.

The Jude/Judy thing is just outright, insulting stupidity. Perhaps standing in the middle of the room and reading the bit in About a Boy about getting someone's name wrong would be enough of a clue, but I doubt it.

As to the BiL/partner thing, I'd say let it settle. Lots of middle America is having that issue, and it will probably play out in a while, once you show that you're solid. It's a generational change that's going on right now; it's only been 15 years since having sex with someone of the same gender was even legalized in parts of the states. You're a pioneer and my hero, you know.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't much care if Jen's brother calls me her "partner." It's a perfectly acceptable word for spouse and I'll take it, though I can't help it - I'm excited that we're married and excited to use the word "wife," so I like to hear it as often as possible. It jazzes me when my brother speaks of Jen as my wife, and I know that he does it as much for me as he does because he wants his own wife referred to as his wife. (Does that make sense? I'm not making sense.)

I agree that anyone who sees Jen should know that she likes girls. I mean, come on now! ;) But I also know that Jen's parents moved to Florida a little over a year ago and she is still meeting new friends, and I know that Jen's mom has always worried about what Jen's gayness will mean for HER... like, will people not like her or think she's a bad mom because she has a queer child? So I'm sure trying to fit into a new social circle exacerbates an already existent problem, but it doesn't make it any easier for Jen.

I just wish there was a calm, rational way to deal with these sorts of issues, but that's never really the case in family issues. I don't want a fight between Jen and her mom, and I don't want Jen, her dad, or any one else to be hurt in the process. I know that this is not about me at all, and I am trying to stay out of it aside from making my own feelings known to Jen - she needs to decide what she wants to do and we all run a risk if that discussion goes badly. Jen already has one SIL (her other brother's wife) who is despised by everyone in Jen's family and I wasn't around to know what really happened with that, but I don't want to be the next target, yanno?

xo

[changinglight.livejournal.com]

that completely SUCKS

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but what can you do, really, without causing a lot of drama?

[dyketit.livejournal.com]

im really sorry, i want to get all philosophical about the whole thing but really it isnt a philosophy lesson, its your life and im sorry that you're hurt. people just dont like to think outside of themselves and see what impact they might have on other peoples feelings/lives.
i do agree that jen should mention it to her mom, but at the same time i know nothing of her family dynamics and if such a conversation would be possible/productive. the same goes for skipping family events. kate has proposed that to me concerning my family and it sucks because the whole point is you want to feel "included" in the family and to exclude yourself just doesnt seem to make things hurt less. so as good as it sounds i know it might not really work. gee, if i thought i was gonna make a helpful comment i was mistaken! lol, so anyway, um sorry!

[thespian.livejournal.com]

...it sucks because the whole point is you want to feel "included" in the family and to exclude yourself just doesnt seem to make things hurt less...

I guess my feeling is, much like the whole biblical leave your parents house and cleave to your spouse bit is that Jude and Jen are a *family*. It would be nice to be included as a part of their other families, but I think that they have a family, with each other...it's not being excluded as much as creating their own family's future.

I have no idea if I'm explaining that well.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's incredibly important to both of us that there is some sort of family consensus about WHAT WE ARE together because we are planning to have children soon. And while I can deal with a little exclusion every now and again, I am honestly quite scared about any comments that might be made regarding kids based on who birthed them.

(In other words, Jen and I are both kind of worried that her mom will make it clear that any child that she births won't really be mine. Or something like that. And that's unacceptable to us.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha!

Yeah, it's one of those situations where there is no easy "answer." I mean, sure, Jen can say something to her mother but that could end up causing MORE drama and hurt feelings, and could really really backfire. I would hate to be in the center of some major family drama, for both unselfish reasons (because I don't want everyone to hurt) and for selfish reasons (because I, as the outsider, would be seen as the cause of the drama).

I don't know that there will ever be an answer to the situation, so I suppose we need to decide together what we want to do about it. I have no intention of keeping my beloved from her parents so I suppose at least for the time being I just have to suck it up.

[damdyke.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's really tough. I recently had to express to my dad that whether or not he accepts or understands it, my relationship is every bit as valid and valuable as my brother's and that I expect him to treat it as such. He seemed receptive but, I don't know if I bought it, we'll see. My point is that I can relate and I'm really sorry you're dealing with that. It really bites. Have you tried blatantly disregarding her? I find passive aggression to be a fun, if ineffective, way to deal with people who are insensitive...

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

Hello two friends. Okay so I have to say first that you're amazing that you even said something to your dad about his not regarding L as your partner...that's really important. I applaud you for doing that...and I know how hard it must have been.

Second...

Jude, Sarah's mom and dad regarded me in the same way. TEH SAME. Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope that you take a different road than I did....I told Sarah how much it hurt me and when she didn't do anything about it (I'd given it 3 years to "settle in" with her parents...and then the last three years I was secretly angry and hurt not by her parents...but by Sarah. I outwardly supported Sarah...but I was really very angry with her. That wasn't fair in the least.) Internally I held Sarah completely responsible for NOT standing up and validating our relationship with her parents....for not saying, "You need to accept this."

I'm sure somewhere in the back of our minds, even then, we knew it wouldn't be forever...and maybe that's why she never expected that of them. Or maybe that was part of the whole problem. I don't know. That bridge is burned.

I guess...I guess what I'm saying is talk talk talk with Jen and be honest with her about what you want her to do...and hear what SHE thinks too. Come to a middle ground that is mutually beneficial with the least amount of hurt feelers between you two.

(Again, I know I'm projecting what happened with MY relationship with S...please know I realize that and I'm separating all of that in my head....)




....and i love you. both.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, the upside is that Jen knows how I feel about it and she feels the same way - because deep down we both know that this is much more a disrespect to her than me. I'm just an innocent bystander who happens to be married to Jen, while this is a continuing problem about Jen's mom's inability to truly accept who she is. And that just breaks my heart, because, well, because Jen is the greatest person in the world and I want everyone to think so!

I know that she wants to confront her mother and tell her that this is all unacceptable. I just worry that this is going to cause a bigger problem... and I'm scared of that. I'm scared that this will cause a huge argument between Jen and her mom (in an already tense relationship)... or that somehow Jen's mom will pit it on me (probably irrational).

I don't care if she fails to truly pay attention when I say anything... that she still thinks I'm in grad school, that I'm an intern, that I work with the homeless, that I'm a vegetarian, that I don't like dogs, and that I'm always serious. I don't truly care that she wants to call me Judy or that she thinks I'm taking away Jen's sense of humor. But I /do/ care that she, in 17 years, has failed to acknowledge the truth of her own /daughter/. Unacceptable.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately it's not my decision to make whether or not Jen wants to have a confrontation with her mother -- and to be fair I'm not even sure it would do anything other than start a huge argument. I really don't want to be the cause of family drama, and as the "outsider" it would be much easier to pin the cause on me.

Passive aggression is just not my style. I don't really believe in it. I'd really like to find something effective, and barring that, something that doesn't lower my personal standards for treating people.

[damdyke.livejournal.com]

You're so right about it being Jen's decision, how to handle this situation with her mother. And I even relate to the idea that the bringing it up at all could cause huge family drama, it was one of my major concerns. And I should probably have been more clear about that I was completely being sarcastic at the end there. I don't believe in, or condone passive aggression, either...I just thought it sounded funny. I really didn't think you would heed that advice, I know it's not your style. I sure hope I didn't offend you at all.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Naw, I'm not offended. And I don't even care if other people want to be passive aggressive. I know there are times when it's SO tempting! I just try not to do that, especially with people who are now my family. :)

I applaud you for sticking up for Lana with your family. You are amazing.

[buddhafly4224.livejournal.com]

i was so hoping bullshit like that would get better with time... apparently i'm wrong.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Who knows? We all have time, right? ;)

[meglett.livejournal.com]

hugs for the hurt feelings. i've been there, right in that invisible space. hope's mom and jen's mom should talk...more frequently now i get a nod in extended family settings or in public, but a nod without explanation. Usually something like, "this is my daughter, Hope. And this is Megan." so i think the complete dismissal of your existence is worse, but the obvious continued homphobia that is the omission of key information really bites as well. i'm not sure what's gonna happen when we have the kid. maybe i'll be seen as the nanny. ::rolls eyes::

it sucks, and it's baby steps, but things have changed...slowly....over the past 11+ years. it was a few years before hope's dad really seemed to feel comfortable using my name. in my presence.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I think the LAST thing we both need is for Hope's mom and Jen's mom to get together - HA! :)

You know, if my /grandparents/ can even introduce Jen in the context of me (I know they introduce her as my "friend" but that word definitely has a double entendre in their generation) then anyone can. Seriously.

I think if the actual friends came to the house (instead of on the phone) she would have to introduce me... but I'm also not sure I want to test it out and find out!!

But I, too, am incredibly scared of what will happen when we have a baby. Jen's mom is OBSESSED with the idea of Jen having a baby. Not US having a baby... but about how she will get pregnant and all of that. And her mom keeps saying weird oogy things like, "You won't have child care, so the baby can live with me in Florida and you can come visit on weekends." OVER MY DEAD BODY.

Hang in there, Megan!

[thespian.livejournal.com]

I know that my parents (late 60s) always refer to *any* romantic interest of mine that lasts less than a year or two as 'Stephanie's friend'.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's totally an "in the ballpark" word as far as I'm concerned. I know that my grandparents very truly know that Jen and I are together, so I don't sweat it. Heck, they're in their 80s!

Besides, your parents really just want Christina to hook up with someone. That's all. Always Christina. :)

[thespian.livejournal.com]

my mother was genuinely happy when I said, "Christina said in her Christmas card to say hi to you." "Oh, how nice of her! How is her girlfriend?" "Well, I can't say, but the return address has two names, so I think it's going well."

She's so cute. I know that if I ever dated a woman for more than a month (I don't generally bother them with anything under 6 weeks, because, well, mom has dated 3 men in her entire life), it would probably shake them when I told them about it, but it's good to know that they *would* deal, and well. My brother's response would likely be akin to "Well, let's hope she treats you better than the men have.".

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I love your mom's little obsession with Christina. I just think it's the cutest thing ever. :)

And I think you'd have better luck with women, my friend. Your taste in men is definitely suspect.

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

!!! That's so awful, I don't have words. I can't believe anyone would make you an invisible house guest like that.

Also, I didn't know it was a bad thing to refer to someone's wife or husband as a partner? Not that I ever do that. Just curious as to why it's not acceptable.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Noooo, there is nothing wrong with calling someone a "partner." :) We're just trying to seriously exploit the fact that we're legally married now. It's not bad at all, and I don't /really/ mind... it would just be fun to have people acknowledge our wedding!

[(Anonymous)]

That's got to really sting, Jude. I'm really sorry. :-(

[ktmcda.livejournal.com]

oops that was me.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Whoops! :)

Thanks for the sentiment, mama.

[kieron.livejournal.com]

uhm...I understand that you are being supportive of Jude....but you are also talking about my mother. And while I do believe she is in the wrong and I intend to deal with it in a decisive manner as soon as possible - like the next few weeks at the latest...I don't believe I should sit back while other people disrespect *her* either.

If my mother makes comments or says things about my wife it is my responsibility to deal with it. But if some random person (to me) says things aboput my mother or my wife on the internet without even knowing both of them....then I also feel obligated to say that that is not acceptable and I would prefer it if you do not make such personal remarks about my mother in the future without even knowing *me* let alone her.

Suggesting that her behavior is just what we see and it somehow means she is doing sometghing *worse* behind Jude's or my back only makes the situation infinitely worse and breeds paranoia and more stress and contempt before something positive can be done.

[telleestmavie.livejournal.com]

You're right....I'm sorry. Probably projecting a bit and butting my nose in where it doesn't belong. Won't happen again.

[kieron.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that you were and are supportive of Jude. I love me some Jude! Please understand that I have no problem with you or anyone else supporting my best girl....Besides, this is LJ - if people's opinions were not sought after then comments would not be enabled. So while I accept you apology for some of the content, I am not asking or requiring you to not offer your opinion in the future on Jude's journal or even on this particular post, it would not be my place to do so. I just had issue with direct comments on my mother...not on your support or even the validity of saying my mother was/is in the wrong...I hope that makes sense.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your comments, and thank you for thinking of me.

I was going to comment to your other comment (but I see it's been deleted, and I'll leave it hanging) and stick up for my MIL a bit. While I don't agree with what she's doing, I don't think she even really consciously understands what she's actually doing, which is to continue to ostracize Jen - something she's done since Jen tried to come out to her at 14 and her Mom made her "take it back." I don't think there's anything malicious there aside from her inability to deal. She's not a bad or unkind person... not deliberately.

I know that all this MIL stuff touched a nerve for you, which then in turn touched a nerve for Jen, and I'm sorry that it all went down this way. I let Jen know who you were (that you do know her, etc.) and I want you to know that there are no hard feelings anywhere, so please keep posting and letting me know your opinions! :)

(Hell, I have a huge mouth so I can't say jack about that.)

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, honey.

Mothers-in-law. Can't live with 'em...pass the arsenic.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha!

I once dated this boy in high school and his mother LOVED ME. No, really. She was the awesomest, called me her daughter-in-law, had REAL CONVERSATIONS with me, etc.

I WAS SO SPOILED. It will never happen again. =P

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

Evil Ex Psycho #1's mother liked me quite a bit. So much so that, when we met, she pulled me aside and said, "Get out now. Do not date him. Please. You need to not date him. I'm disowning him; he's not SAFE."

She was oh-so-very right. And, I HAD broken up w/ him, just a few days before, but he guilted me in to getting back together because his mother was coming to town, and he didn't want to "ruin her visit" by having to tell her we'd broken up...

*facepalm* Have I mentioned I was dumb and naive and not the best looker-outer for myself?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Woah, that's nuts!!

Holy crap, I'm glad you made it out okay!

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

More or less. :)

So, there's more evil out there in the world than your MIL treating you like Mrs. Cellophane, but as the Irish say...

It's not the cross you bear that will get you, it's the splinters.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

If anyone would use the phrase "Mrs. Cellophane," it would be you. Ha!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

There's definitely a difference between being referred to as Jen's "partner" and not being referred to at all! And that is what I'm upset about, not the semantics of words. Heck, I would have been excited if she'd just said that a fourth person was visiting her house instead of only mentioning three!

I'm not sure if we're just different people, but I don't see being totally un-mentioned as a "small battle." I don't care if they continue to think I'm a vegetarian (even though I tell them I'm not every time I see them), if they continue to think I don't like coffee (I do), if they continue to think I work with the homeless (not since 2003) or that I'm still an intern (yikes, I graduated in 2002!). All of those things are just random amusings that show that they just don't pay attention where I'm concerned. No big deal.

But to tell people that Jen and her brother and her brother's wife are visiting, with no mention of me? That's not a small battle to me.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Wow - I'm not sure what to say. I didn't know you had such a poor opinion of me.

I have never, not even for a second, been anything but cordial and nice and gracious to any of my in laws. They would have absolutely nothing to base an opinion like "beware the wrate of Jude" like you say, because there has been nothing resembling wrath. Ever.

In fact, the only people who know that I'm even remotely miffed about any of this are the people who read this journal. So there's really no reason at all to think that my MIL chose not to mention me because she thought the way she referred to me would upset me. That's silly.

I'm not really sure what it is you're reading that makes you think I either dislike my MIL (which I don't, otherwise I wouldn't spend so much time trying to get to know her) or that I sit around getting "pissy" at every little thing that ever happens to me. You're entitled to your opinions, of course. I think they're totally off-base, but hey, I'm entitled to some things, too. ;)

if we're talking my preferences, of course I would prefer that she refer to me as Jen's wife, or her daughter-in-law, or both. If she wants to call me Jen's partner or Jen's girlfriend or Jen's friend or whatever, I might react and I might not - but that doesn't mean I would react to her or otherwise give her any reason to be sensitive. (If it was my family, I'd probably be more vocal, it's true.)

I appreciate your trying to give another perspective but I have to say that in this case I find it not only completely off-base but also marginally offensive. To imply that I am such a loose cannon that my MIL is afraid to even state that I am visiting her home is ludicrous, and takes away from the bigger, sadder picture which is that she is afraid to mention her daughter's queerness to her friends because she's spent her whole life since Jen's adolescence worrying that Jen's sexual orientation will reflect unfavorably on her as a mother. This larger issue, the one that has upset my sweetheart for more than half her life, is much more important to me than any other rant that I choose to air in my journal.

[kieron.livejournal.com]

My mom has no idea how Jude feels about being called whatever....I have been the one to discuss how *I* felt with my mom....and suggest that she look at it from my perspective. How would she feel if she had been made to feel invisible? Outside the norm - what have you... My mother should understand it *better* than most. In "her day" she was the outsider - a catholic puerto rican marrying a polish jew....

But she only sees it her way. And her way is still stuck in the past. And if I allowed her her own time or gave her anymore leeway she would go back to dreaming and talking about when I would marry a man and give her grand kids.....

To even get to *this* point required a lot of no patience and no slack on my part. Accept me or don't - her choice. Not accepting me would take me from her life by her choice and she was not ready to accept that then....and now she doesn't know how close she is to stepping over that line of unacceptable behavior. I need to let her know in no uncertain terms. Otherwise both my wife and I will be uncomfortable and made to feel invisible. It did not just hurt Jude when my mom didn't mention her. It diminishes my whole life. We are married. We are not just dating or even just living together. We are married the same as both of my brothers.....and if she wants anything to do with me or our future kids then she needs to accept Jude for who she is in my life and our life...regardless of what word she uses - she must use SOME word. Partner or wife - one or the other....mother to her grandchildren is the only acceptable term there. And that is where we worry the most.

[etherial.livejournal.com]

They're Italian. Not offering it to you is like punching you in the face.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha, I was thinking the same thing!

My grandmother (not Italian, but still) would ALWAYS offer - because she would think it was so rude NOT to!

[etherial.livejournal.com]

I know someone who's getting coal in their stocking next year...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Is it me? I love coal!!

[etherial.livejournal.com]

Heh. I secretly wonder if the meaning of "Santa gave you coal 'cause you were naughty" is more accurately updated with "Santa gave you socks 'cause you were naughty". I mean, coal used to mean the difference between Tiny Tim being alive or dead.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Jen got me socks for Christmas this year, and I went around telling everyone that I was bad! :)