This cursed cycle

[judecorp]

About 15 minutes ago, I got all ready to do my trigger shot. Last month was such a piece of cake, so I was all ready. I got out my alcohol wipe and I rubbed an area, I got all of the air out of the needle, and then, holy crap, when I went to stick the needle in it hurt so bad I couldn't do it! I didn't know what to do, so I pulled it out and tried again in another spot about 1cm from the last spot - same thing. At this point, I was /really/ freaking out. I took a little break and walked around the house for a minute. Then I got a new alcohol wipe and prepped an area on the other side of my belly. This one went in no problem just like last month. WTF?

Looking down on the first area, I can see that I'm starting to get a little bruise. Jen thinks maybe I hit a nerve or something. All I know is that I was so freaked out that when I went to give myself the shot for the third time, I almost fainted. (And that has NEVER happened to me before.) But now I'm paranoid that I really screwed it up, by jabbing the needle halfway in (and then out again) two times before successfully giving the shot. I guess there's no use worrying about it, but I'm still all jittery. That was effed up.

This is totally the cycle of doom. I occasionally read stories where women are like, "I just knew we were out this month, everything went wrong, but look, we're pg!" I would like to have a story like that, especially when this cycle has been so freaking ridiculous - all of the Clomid emotional drama, the slow-growing follicles, the disappearing EWCM, the day-after trigger, and now the injection mishap. I give up.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

And I apologize for my long-winded reply that I knew was going to come out harsher than the words were in my head... compacted by the fact that I had just nearly fainted and apparently looked so scarybad that Jen was freaking out. (Oops.)

But I will tell you with confidence that the infertility process takes a whole lot of the fun out of things. It's difficult enough to navigate donor sperm and all of that crap without adding on a faulty body.

And I /do/ try not to stress, and try to relax, but sometimes that's damn near impossible. I got so little sleep last night because of that shot mishap and the resulting soreness (ouch!) but thought that I could finally be at ease when I checked my monitor in the morning and saw my little Peak fertility that indicated that the shot stuff was in there. And I tested this morning. And my monitor did not read Peak. So now a call to the doctor is mandated because, well, I'm not going to waste $300 worth of sperm for an IUI tomorrow if I'm not even going to be ovulating.

This cycle is neverending mishaps. One way or another, I'll be glad when it's over (hopefully with baby, but if not, you know, I'll be glad for the fresh start.)

p.s. You are great and I love your outlook on things. And I /do/ appreciate your trying to help by trying to remind me to sit back and enjoy the flowers. It's hard sometimes, and I don't mind the reminders.

...as long as I'm not nearly fainting. :)

[snack.livejournal.com]

did i ever tell you of my bout with allergy shots?

when i lived in austin, i had extreme allergies (for me anyway) and was forced to give myself a shot in the mornings to help get through the day. the needle was only 1/2 to 3/4 of an inch long. i couldn't do it.

i'd sit with an ice cube on my thigh. i'd cry. i'd shake. i'd finally get up enough courage to stab my thigh and then i'd cry after i did it & feel all woozy/shaky.

i've gotten a lot better about shots, blood draws, etc now - so i could probably do it if i had to now with a minimal amount of head spinning and shaking (but not gone completely). so the idea of giving myself a shot in the belly & something going wrong? yes, i'd be fainting too. actually i'd probably be on the floor.

so yeah - i was thinking about you last night and just wanted you to know i didn't mean to be insensitive about it all. please let us know what the doc says about your reading this morning.

(i think karma kicked my ass a little for my comment - i woke up with icky cramps and back pain. it's my first official period since coming off the bc pills (last monght i didn't have a period somehow) ... and i'm remembering why i started taking them straight through to NOT have a period!!)

[snack.livejournal.com]

that was supposed to be last "month" .. not monght...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry I made your period come! EEK!! (Better comment later, must run to work.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ugh, that sounds awful about the allergy shots! I've never had a problem with needles (16 or so piercings can do that to you) and I think I would have been fine if I only had to do one or two sticks. As it was, I didn't start to feel woozy until I got the third stick all the way in and was ready to plunge. Too bad I had to go through with it, because I would have liked to sit down. Oh well, it's over now. I suppose I'll be less smug next month if shot time comes around again.

I didn't think your comment was insensitive, I just thought it was one of those "easy to say until you're doing it yourself" comments... you know, like when you tell someone to "cheer up" and it's just not that easy. I know that when I was not trying myself, I often told people (with the best intentions!) to relax because success requires relaxation. Man, I am eating my words. :)

I'm still sorry about the period. Do you have endometriosis?

[snack.livejournal.com]

yeah - i guess that is the sort of situation where you shouldn't advise unless you've done it ... hard to say relax when you have so much to remember and time perfectly.

and you didn't make my period come - it came on friday. but i did wake up with crampages!! eeeep! karma sucks, eh?

yeah, i have endometriosis. i had surgery & everything - but the periods were still horrendous. so i made the executive decision to not have any periods at all. ever.

until we started thinking about doing the baby thing. so i made another executive decision to reverse the prior decision. and here i am having periods again.

so i kinda sorta little tiny bit feel your pain. cept without the needles. or the vaginal ultrasounds.

or the sperm.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

so i kinda sorta little tiny bit feel your pain. cept without the needles. or the vaginal ultrasounds.

or the sperm

This makes me giggle!

So when do you think you'll try to do the baby thing? I want to know so I can brush up on telling you to relax! (Kidding, I swear.)

That sucks about the endo. I didn't have periods for years and years and years (thank you, insulin) but even when I did, they've always been lovingly light. I don't envy you. My smoochie has really horrendous periods and has just decided to go back on BCPs even though they made her miserable. :(

[snack.livejournal.com]

not sure when on the baby thing. see, we live in hurricane alley. and we live in a wood house. and it was built in 1930.

so we're thinking about doing the new house thing first.

and then we can think about baby.

but we have to replace the ceiling first. and get the backyard done. and get rid of stuff. all before we can sell this house and buy a nice concrete house.

and we still have to survive hurricane season.

so i'm thinking it will be next year easily. ... i just hope my dads hold out that long and still want to do it then.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, I wish you a ton of luck! With ALL of that!