This cursed cycle

[judecorp]

About 15 minutes ago, I got all ready to do my trigger shot. Last month was such a piece of cake, so I was all ready. I got out my alcohol wipe and I rubbed an area, I got all of the air out of the needle, and then, holy crap, when I went to stick the needle in it hurt so bad I couldn't do it! I didn't know what to do, so I pulled it out and tried again in another spot about 1cm from the last spot - same thing. At this point, I was /really/ freaking out. I took a little break and walked around the house for a minute. Then I got a new alcohol wipe and prepped an area on the other side of my belly. This one went in no problem just like last month. WTF?

Looking down on the first area, I can see that I'm starting to get a little bruise. Jen thinks maybe I hit a nerve or something. All I know is that I was so freaked out that when I went to give myself the shot for the third time, I almost fainted. (And that has NEVER happened to me before.) But now I'm paranoid that I really screwed it up, by jabbing the needle halfway in (and then out again) two times before successfully giving the shot. I guess there's no use worrying about it, but I'm still all jittery. That was effed up.

This is totally the cycle of doom. I occasionally read stories where women are like, "I just knew we were out this month, everything went wrong, but look, we're pg!" I would like to have a story like that, especially when this cycle has been so freaking ridiculous - all of the Clomid emotional drama, the slow-growing follicles, the disappearing EWCM, the day-after trigger, and now the injection mishap. I give up.

Comments

[snack.livejournal.com]

it could also be the universe's way of saying CHILL OUT.

stress does not equal pregnancy... especially when you're not doing it the "old fashioned" way. so take deep breaths, and remember, getting pregnant is SUPPOSED to be fun. if it's not fun, then it's probably not going to happen easily.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, before I started doing all of this, I was all about telling people to relax. And then I learned something very important - it is /impossible/ to relax about something so important. Sure, you can have a positive outlook, and sure, you can do mental imagery work, and sure, you can meditate, and sure, you can be okay with whatever happens... but you never really relax. How can you relax when you're trying to coordinate pills and shots and temperatures and cervical checks and fertility monitors and oh yeah, that other regular life stuff? You just have to stay on top of things. No, you don't have to worry about every single thing (and I am trying not to, but it's hard when you've just stuck a needle into your skin three times), but that doesn't make it fun.

Taking medications that make your hormones crazy and give you less control of your emotions? Not fun.

Having to stick yourself with needles in the belly? Not fun.

Having to get up ridiculously early several times in one week so you can have the ultrasound wand stuck up your hoo-hah in enough time to get to work on time? Not fun.

No, it's not the worst experience in the world, and yes, it will hopefully have a very wonderful result and therefore be worth it... but that doesn't make it fun. The process itself, going through it? Yeah, that's fun. The hot flashes and dizziness and crying jags and pill popping and needle sticking and stirrups and bloodwork every other day and billion dollar sperm and all of that? No thanks, I'd rather just have sex. ;)

Getting pregnant is supposed to be fun because you're supposed to be knocking boots when you're trying to get knocked up. If only.

I'm being longwinded here and I apologize if there is dead-horse-beating going on. I really do appreciate your thoughts and words. But I'm also honest enough to know that putting an entire month's worth of hope on one little 20minute (hopefully) well-timed event takes some of the fun out of the process. and worrying, in moderation, can be a quite healthy way to put a little bit of pretend control on an otherwise haphazard situation.

[snack.livejournal.com]

you know - my comment was way off - i knew what i wanted to convey but the words i chose were not in line with it.

chill out really doesn't say the right thing and i'm sorry - it wasn't the right thing to say.

i can't fathom what you're going through right now. but there's a correlation between stress & conception - and you stated it marvelously.. in an ideal world, you're supposed to be knocking boots to get knocked up. all those fabulous endorphins and whatnot floating about. something about that chemical mix makes it easier for the body to do it's thing.

going through all this is probably making you really sort of insane emotionally. if there is any any any possible way you can get some of those happy calm relaxed endorphins flowing while you're in the middle of all this stress - it would probably do you all the good in the world - not only for you but for the potential for this process.

and i apologize for my badly worded and not-thought out comment. you are amazing in my eyes for being able to do all this. i want this to be succesful for you - partly because you want it so much and partly because i don't want you to have to keep going through it!

*hugs*

i guess friends shouldn't stress you out when they're preaching at you to not stress, eh? *sorry*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

And I apologize for my long-winded reply that I knew was going to come out harsher than the words were in my head... compacted by the fact that I had just nearly fainted and apparently looked so scarybad that Jen was freaking out. (Oops.)

But I will tell you with confidence that the infertility process takes a whole lot of the fun out of things. It's difficult enough to navigate donor sperm and all of that crap without adding on a faulty body.

And I /do/ try not to stress, and try to relax, but sometimes that's damn near impossible. I got so little sleep last night because of that shot mishap and the resulting soreness (ouch!) but thought that I could finally be at ease when I checked my monitor in the morning and saw my little Peak fertility that indicated that the shot stuff was in there. And I tested this morning. And my monitor did not read Peak. So now a call to the doctor is mandated because, well, I'm not going to waste $300 worth of sperm for an IUI tomorrow if I'm not even going to be ovulating.

This cycle is neverending mishaps. One way or another, I'll be glad when it's over (hopefully with baby, but if not, you know, I'll be glad for the fresh start.)

p.s. You are great and I love your outlook on things. And I /do/ appreciate your trying to help by trying to remind me to sit back and enjoy the flowers. It's hard sometimes, and I don't mind the reminders.

...as long as I'm not nearly fainting. :)

[snack.livejournal.com]

did i ever tell you of my bout with allergy shots?

when i lived in austin, i had extreme allergies (for me anyway) and was forced to give myself a shot in the mornings to help get through the day. the needle was only 1/2 to 3/4 of an inch long. i couldn't do it.

i'd sit with an ice cube on my thigh. i'd cry. i'd shake. i'd finally get up enough courage to stab my thigh and then i'd cry after i did it & feel all woozy/shaky.

i've gotten a lot better about shots, blood draws, etc now - so i could probably do it if i had to now with a minimal amount of head spinning and shaking (but not gone completely). so the idea of giving myself a shot in the belly & something going wrong? yes, i'd be fainting too. actually i'd probably be on the floor.

so yeah - i was thinking about you last night and just wanted you to know i didn't mean to be insensitive about it all. please let us know what the doc says about your reading this morning.

(i think karma kicked my ass a little for my comment - i woke up with icky cramps and back pain. it's my first official period since coming off the bc pills (last monght i didn't have a period somehow) ... and i'm remembering why i started taking them straight through to NOT have a period!!)

[snack.livejournal.com]

that was supposed to be last "month" .. not monght...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry I made your period come! EEK!! (Better comment later, must run to work.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ugh, that sounds awful about the allergy shots! I've never had a problem with needles (16 or so piercings can do that to you) and I think I would have been fine if I only had to do one or two sticks. As it was, I didn't start to feel woozy until I got the third stick all the way in and was ready to plunge. Too bad I had to go through with it, because I would have liked to sit down. Oh well, it's over now. I suppose I'll be less smug next month if shot time comes around again.

I didn't think your comment was insensitive, I just thought it was one of those "easy to say until you're doing it yourself" comments... you know, like when you tell someone to "cheer up" and it's just not that easy. I know that when I was not trying myself, I often told people (with the best intentions!) to relax because success requires relaxation. Man, I am eating my words. :)

I'm still sorry about the period. Do you have endometriosis?

[snack.livejournal.com]

yeah - i guess that is the sort of situation where you shouldn't advise unless you've done it ... hard to say relax when you have so much to remember and time perfectly.

and you didn't make my period come - it came on friday. but i did wake up with crampages!! eeeep! karma sucks, eh?

yeah, i have endometriosis. i had surgery & everything - but the periods were still horrendous. so i made the executive decision to not have any periods at all. ever.

until we started thinking about doing the baby thing. so i made another executive decision to reverse the prior decision. and here i am having periods again.

so i kinda sorta little tiny bit feel your pain. cept without the needles. or the vaginal ultrasounds.

or the sperm.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

so i kinda sorta little tiny bit feel your pain. cept without the needles. or the vaginal ultrasounds.

or the sperm

This makes me giggle!

So when do you think you'll try to do the baby thing? I want to know so I can brush up on telling you to relax! (Kidding, I swear.)

That sucks about the endo. I didn't have periods for years and years and years (thank you, insulin) but even when I did, they've always been lovingly light. I don't envy you. My smoochie has really horrendous periods and has just decided to go back on BCPs even though they made her miserable. :(

[snack.livejournal.com]

not sure when on the baby thing. see, we live in hurricane alley. and we live in a wood house. and it was built in 1930.

so we're thinking about doing the new house thing first.

and then we can think about baby.

but we have to replace the ceiling first. and get the backyard done. and get rid of stuff. all before we can sell this house and buy a nice concrete house.

and we still have to survive hurricane season.

so i'm thinking it will be next year easily. ... i just hope my dads hold out that long and still want to do it then.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, I wish you a ton of luck! With ALL of that!

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

The ultrasound wand goes up your hoo-hah? What? Why? When I had an ultrasound to check for PCOS they didn't do that.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You didn't have a transvaginal??!?!? How did they do your ultrasound, just through your belly? I've never heard of an ultrasound to check ovaries that /wasn't/ the dildo cam.

You're lucky!

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

Nope, no dildo cam. That would've been a bit traumatic at aged 16 or whenever the hell it was. It was just through the belly - I remember I had to drink a lot beforehand, and the nurse could tell I really had to pee. Hah. Is there anyway that she wasn't look at my ovaries, but more at my uterus or something?

Also - my roommate is diabetic and has to inject herself before every meal. She says that all she does is find the flabbiest parts of herself - so she usually goes for the belly. I'm sorry to hear it hurt your leg :-(

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, you're lucky. When I got checked for polycystic ovaries several years ago they made me do the full bladder thing, too - except they used the transvaginal ultrasound. Oh my god, I thought I was going to pee all over that lady! She was like, "Oh my goodness, how much did you DRINK this morning?" I guess my bladder was incredibly huge. ;)

And yeah, if you're doing a subcutaneous injection (like mine was), it's best to pick somewhere fatty. That's why I did my belly (not my leg) but I think I'll stick to the left side from now on.

xo

[violane.livejournal.com]

Yikes! I'm so sorry to hear about the painful shot. I remember my dad hitting a nerve once when he used to give himself allergy shots, and I have always been slightly paranoid of that happening to me because there's no way to prevent it!

I was so smug when I gave my shot last time (and everyone, including you, was so reassuring about it). I will be really freaked out if it hurts really badly next time!

I really hope this is your cycle, where you get to say how doomed it seemed like it was, and yet it worked anyway!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I hear you, because I was totally smug about my last shot, too. And what's funny is that once I moved to the other side of my belly, it was just like that last smug shot - no problem. So I'm guessing it was a nerve. That part of my belly (where I tried the first two times) is still a little sore, while the other side (that actually got the drugs) is totally fine and not-noticeable. Frustrating.

I was all ready to feel totally reassured this morning when I saw my "Peak" on my monitor. So of course that didn't happen. I got the same "High" reading I've been getting for the last three days. The monitor is supposed to pick up the trigger shot and record it as Peak... so now I need to call my doctor's office and find out why the heck that didn't happen.

This cycle is totally going to kill me.

[exoteris.livejournal.com]

When I'm having a bad hair day, or a bad uterus day, I like to remember the immortal words of Winston Churchill who said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

You kick ass at life, so keep kicking.
Trust me. I know shit.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That's actually one of my favorite quotes. I'm sure I stumbled across it in my emo high school days. ;)

And true love is posting with a coconut face. I believe this.
I love you!

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you - I would totally be freaking out too!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It was seriously freaky. I totally almost vomited and then passed out. Yuck.

But it's all good now.

p.s. How are you doing? Thinking of you.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Yeah the entire thing would totally freak me out. I don't even know if I could do it. I'd be a nervous wreak. Kudos to you for doing it! I just saw a lady do it on What About Brian and thought of you.

I'm ok - still sick with this awful cough. I just wish it would go away. Tomorrow is the ultrasound on my breast which I'm not looking forward to. :/

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're starting to feel a little better, but I'm sorry you're still coughing so much. I think I'm getting sick, too. My throat is sore on the left side, which is common for me. Hopefully after some sleep it will feel better.

xoxo