One whole year

[judecorp]

I can't believe it's already been over a year since he's called me, since I saw him smile, since he gave me a hug. It's hard to imagine that the time has flown by, especially with phone calls, since he used to call and harass me all the time. About television, about not calling, whatever. Amusing banter. I can't believe it's now been a year since we gave up almost all of our weekends to clean out the house and make sure my grandparents don't get too lonely.

When I saw him a year ago, yesterday and today, he was a bloated shadow of who he was, a mess of tubes and wires and beeps and false breaths. He was a stubborn man who didn't really understand that going to the doctor is admirable and waiting things out is foolish. It seems so crazy and yet not crazy all at the same time.

We definitely had our ups and downs throughout our time together, but our time ended on ups so in a way that's all that matters. I'll always remember the time we sat on the short-lived patio when I was 18 and he apologized for letting his anger get in the way of his parenting, when he said in the same breath that he was and has always been proud of me. I remember the first time he gave Jen a hug, and when he asked her to dance at my brother's wedding so that he could try to make her feel better about my grandmother's insensitive comment. I remember being perched on his shoulders, endless baseball games, that crazy trip to New York when our cabbie hit Jimmy DiPardo on the butt, riding on the gas tank of the motorcycle when I was too small (and too young) to occupy the back seat. Most of all, though, I can always remember how much he loved me - and know in my heart that it was true.

You weren't the greatest dad, but you were MY dad, and I can't believe I've been missing you for a whole year already.

Comments

[bafleyanne.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I lost my dad 8 years ago in March. It's hard.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'm sorry for your loss.

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

Aw. *sniffle*

This is a lovely tribute.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

*HUG* It's good you can keep these happy rememberances in your heart.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Is there anything else one should keep? Why some people hold on to bitterness for so dang long is thoroughly beyond me.

Hell, I am not a perfect person. And I hope that when I die, people will choose to gloss over my shortcomings. :)

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you. I'm not even gonna say anything mean today.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

(dirty gutterpunk)

xoxoxoxo

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you. What did he pass away from?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Sepsis. He had a pretty bad infection (a couple of boils, actually) that he didn't get treatment for, because he thought they would just go away on their own. Except they got really REALLY bad. And boils are caused by staph infections, which can be super serious when they become blood poisoning (sepsis), which can cause all of your organ systems to shut down and you die.

Which is pretty much exactly what happened. What is so stupid was that a bunch of hefty antibiotics even a day or two earlier (before he was found in a coma in his house) would have taken care of the whole mess.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

THat's really scary stuff. Ryan just had mrsa (meticillin resistent staph infection) that got into his blood stream. Luckily he got treated but now we have to worry about it for the rest of our lives. That's horrible your Dad died from it. I'm so sorry. That's so sad the antibiotics would of saved him.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, if he had gone to the doctor when he had one or two boils, or even when they started getting worse instead of better, he probably would be completely fine right now. I'm glad you and Ryan got all checked out with the MRSA stuff - that sounds scary!

[yarnaddict.livejournal.com]

You remember, and so he's always with you.

*HUGS*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Of course. :)

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

I'm really sad for you today. I suppose this is just proof that I really was lucky losing my dad when I was just a baby but at the same time you have something tangible to miss. I'm envious of that, but I wish it didn't hurt as much as I'm sure it does for you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

There are definite pros and cons to both sides, I suppose... though death of a parent is never really a pro, hunh? I am definitely appreciative of the time we did have, and that we were close until the end. I know my experience would be much different if that was not the case. I'm sure it hurts no matter what, even if you were just a baby. I remember all of those photos you've posted.

I know...

[luloubelle.livejournal.com]

Just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you today. *hugs*

Love you.

Re: I know...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

May we both fare better on the other side of the first anniversary, hunh?

Love you.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you today. That is hard.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[rainbow-slinky.livejournal.com]

*hugs from me and Manny*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, Manny gives the best hugs. He's all thumbs!

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know that I think about losing my folks from time to time. They, too, are not perfect parents, but I love them tons. Whenever I think about losing them, I mentally chastize myself because I don't want that time to come any sooner than it must. I cannot imagine my life without my mom and dad. So I can't imagine how hard a day like today is for you. My thoughts are with you, and that was a lovely post. Made me all misty.

[bec4joy.livejournal.com]

* Hugs *

I totally feel what you are going through.. I know exactly that is how I am going to be feeling about a yr from now with my mom.. Me and mom got along but we had our many downs.. and some ups to while living there.. It wasnt her fault.. But do I blame her Yes.. Why? Not sure.. But I do..


How do you get over the dealth of a parent, even if you know its coming.. wheather you like them or not you still love them.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I guess in some ways I was fortunate in that my dad died completely unexpectedly. My grandfather found him in his apartment in a coma and he died the next day. I think it would be really hard to play the waiting game. I know that when my ex-husband's father was terminally ill, it was so agonizing to always wonder when you would get that "come right now" call and even when we DID get it, we stayed for a week and he didn't actually die until two days after we left. Then my ex had to go back.

I totally feel for you and wish you all of the support and peace in the world. I am so sorry about your mom's illness and hope that the love you two share will be enough to sustain you through the rocky times.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, I'm sorry you got misty. And I'm glad you have a good relationship with your parents. I am much less close with my mother than I ever was with my father (we lived with my dad growing up and saw my mom on Saturdays) so on one hand it's nice to have a parent left and sad that we hardly ever speak. I haven't seen my mom in almost 2 years.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you today. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hug*

[ladyoracle.livejournal.com]

The first anniversary of my Dad's death is the 7th of June. His refusal to submit to health care (4 hours before he died, his secretary pleaded with him to go to the hospital, but he left work early only to go home and take a nap--as though he could sleep off a heart attack) is eerily similar to your Dad.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'll be thinking of you on the 7th. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know.

I'm sorry about our stubborn fathers.

[ladyoracle.livejournal.com]

Thanks and ditto!