judecorp | One whole year

I can't believe it's already been over a year since he's called me, since I saw him smile, since he gave me a hug. It's hard to imagine that the time has flown by, especially with phone calls, since he used to call and harass me all the time. About television, about not calling, whatever. Amusing banter. I can't believe it's now been a year since we gave up almost all of our weekends to clean out the house and make sure my grandparents don't get too lonely.

When I saw him a year ago, yesterday and today, he was a bloated shadow of who he was, a mess of tubes and wires and beeps and false breaths. He was a stubborn man who didn't really understand that going to the doctor is admirable and waiting things out is foolish. It seems so crazy and yet not crazy all at the same time.

We definitely had our ups and downs throughout our time together, but our time ended on ups so in a way that's all that matters. I'll always remember the time we sat on the short-lived patio when I was 18 and he apologized for letting his anger get in the way of his parenting, when he said in the same breath that he was and has always been proud of me. I remember the first time he gave Jen a hug, and when he asked her to dance at my brother's wedding so that he could try to make her feel better about my grandmother's insensitive comment. I remember being perched on his shoulders, endless baseball games, that crazy trip to New York when our cabbie hit Jimmy DiPardo on the butt, riding on the gas tank of the motorcycle when I was too small (and too young) to occupy the back seat. Most of all, though, I can always remember how much he loved me - and know in my heart that it was true.

You weren't the greatest dad, but you were MY dad, and I can't believe I've been missing you for a whole year already.