Why not us?

[judecorp]

The hard thing about knowing a whole bunch of people who are also trying to have a baby is that they run the risk of being successful sooner than you. And then you're in this weird place where you're happy for them, really and truly happy for them, but can't help but wonder, "Why them and not us?" Another friend successful on the second month of Clomid - 2 tries seems to be the magic number for everyone but us. Hopefully 3 will be our lucky number.

I just know we're up against so much because we get one try a month and we have fertility problems and all of that. Sometimes it just seems so foolish to try, like we're just setting ourselves up for heartache. My doctor's office already made me schedule an appointment after my next negative test to talk about more aggressive treatments. They say that they hope I can cancel the appointment because of a positive, but just /having/ the appointment feels like giving up in some ways. And I don't really want to move on to more aggressive treatments. I just want things to work.

My SIL has started talking about babymaking and mentioned that she went off birth control and went right back to her normal 29-day cycle. While I am pleased that she is so fortunate, it just reinforces that there is something wrong with me and my body doesn't work properly in that respect. I feel kind of like a loser in the woman department. And I'm not sure what else we can do to help our chances... we can try supplementing our IUIs with at-home inseminations and buy additional sperm or whatever but that is going to get awfully pricey awfully quickly. But hey, I guess if we're moving on to more aggressive options we'll have to be more aggressive with the finances.

We just want to get pregnant so badly and I have such a hard time figuring out why it has to be so difficult.

~//~

On a totally unrelated note, Jen and I went to Providence last night to do dinner and video games at Dave & Buster's. We won a bazillion tickets playing a fun trivia game. I also played this boxing game where you have to do the actual punching and got to the third boxer! A couple of dudes were watching and then they played after. It was funny to hear one dude say to his friend, "Come on, that girl got to the third boxer," and especially gratifying when they got KO'd by the second boxer. I RULE THE BOXING WORLD.

Perhaps I'm much more cut out for boxing than babymaking.

~//~

And HUGE congratulations to Former Coworker Sarah who got her BFP today!

Comments

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

you know, in my secret, ugly self, i always HATED pregnant women when i was ttc. rationally, i was happy and excited for them, but i also wished that they'd just be exiled to an island until i was pregnant too. i promise, though, that if you feel like this, it'll go away as soon as you're knocked up.

i also really struggled with my identity as a woman while i was failing so miserably. you know, getting preggo is supposed to be pretty easy, and i couldn't do it. not fulfilling my biological destiny, burn me at the stake, blah blah blah. i was at breakfast this morning with friends who are ttc right now, and i joked that my uterus had a sign that said "nice place, but i wouldn't want to live here!"

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

you know, even though we got pregnant unexpectedly and very easily this time around, things with fisher weren't easy at all. and i secretly still harbor a little bit of angst toward people who get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's so hard because all I ever do is work with babies, and parents of babies, and I swear to god someone I work with is always pregnant at any given time. Our clients are perpetually pregnant and one of my clients even got pregnant after a tubal. So frustrating!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thankfully, I haven't gotten to the point of hating pregnant women. I'm sure it will come after too long. ;) It's just so hard when it seems like everyone is successful BUT you. And I know that's not true because I know of at least 2 women (neverming all of those women on the TTC boards!) who have not gotten pregnant yet. It's just hard to focus when other people seem to get success so quickly. Ugh.

It IS hard when it seems like you're just biologically supposed to be able to do something and it just isn't working. I almost liked it better when I was told that I probably would never get pregnant so I shouldn't count on it. Then I got this optimistic doctor who went and got my hopes all up. It's crazy.

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

yeah, i especially struggled with the women i knew who had "whoops!" pregnancies. one of my close friends got pregnant the month before i got pregnant with abby and was laughing that they were proof that the "pull and pray" method of birth control didn't work. wheee! i wanted to hurt her, severely.

wow, i sure am fun to have around, huh?!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha, well it's a good thing you don't work with me, because SOOO many of my clients have "whoops" pregnancies all the time - some on birth control or with tubal ligations! So yeah, it's frustrating. I work with this one family and mom is SUPER fertile... but I also think it's something in the water, because their pet birds and their pet fish ALSO got pregnant. WTF??!?!

And hey, I appreciate your injection of realism. Really.