Why not us?

[judecorp]

The hard thing about knowing a whole bunch of people who are also trying to have a baby is that they run the risk of being successful sooner than you. And then you're in this weird place where you're happy for them, really and truly happy for them, but can't help but wonder, "Why them and not us?" Another friend successful on the second month of Clomid - 2 tries seems to be the magic number for everyone but us. Hopefully 3 will be our lucky number.

I just know we're up against so much because we get one try a month and we have fertility problems and all of that. Sometimes it just seems so foolish to try, like we're just setting ourselves up for heartache. My doctor's office already made me schedule an appointment after my next negative test to talk about more aggressive treatments. They say that they hope I can cancel the appointment because of a positive, but just /having/ the appointment feels like giving up in some ways. And I don't really want to move on to more aggressive treatments. I just want things to work.

My SIL has started talking about babymaking and mentioned that she went off birth control and went right back to her normal 29-day cycle. While I am pleased that she is so fortunate, it just reinforces that there is something wrong with me and my body doesn't work properly in that respect. I feel kind of like a loser in the woman department. And I'm not sure what else we can do to help our chances... we can try supplementing our IUIs with at-home inseminations and buy additional sperm or whatever but that is going to get awfully pricey awfully quickly. But hey, I guess if we're moving on to more aggressive options we'll have to be more aggressive with the finances.

We just want to get pregnant so badly and I have such a hard time figuring out why it has to be so difficult.

~//~

On a totally unrelated note, Jen and I went to Providence last night to do dinner and video games at Dave & Buster's. We won a bazillion tickets playing a fun trivia game. I also played this boxing game where you have to do the actual punching and got to the third boxer! A couple of dudes were watching and then they played after. It was funny to hear one dude say to his friend, "Come on, that girl got to the third boxer," and especially gratifying when they got KO'd by the second boxer. I RULE THE BOXING WORLD.

Perhaps I'm much more cut out for boxing than babymaking.

~//~

And HUGE congratulations to Former Coworker Sarah who got her BFP today!

Comments

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

you know, in my secret, ugly self, i always HATED pregnant women when i was ttc. rationally, i was happy and excited for them, but i also wished that they'd just be exiled to an island until i was pregnant too. i promise, though, that if you feel like this, it'll go away as soon as you're knocked up.

i also really struggled with my identity as a woman while i was failing so miserably. you know, getting preggo is supposed to be pretty easy, and i couldn't do it. not fulfilling my biological destiny, burn me at the stake, blah blah blah. i was at breakfast this morning with friends who are ttc right now, and i joked that my uterus had a sign that said "nice place, but i wouldn't want to live here!"

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

you know, even though we got pregnant unexpectedly and very easily this time around, things with fisher weren't easy at all. and i secretly still harbor a little bit of angst toward people who get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's so hard because all I ever do is work with babies, and parents of babies, and I swear to god someone I work with is always pregnant at any given time. Our clients are perpetually pregnant and one of my clients even got pregnant after a tubal. So frustrating!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thankfully, I haven't gotten to the point of hating pregnant women. I'm sure it will come after too long. ;) It's just so hard when it seems like everyone is successful BUT you. And I know that's not true because I know of at least 2 women (neverming all of those women on the TTC boards!) who have not gotten pregnant yet. It's just hard to focus when other people seem to get success so quickly. Ugh.

It IS hard when it seems like you're just biologically supposed to be able to do something and it just isn't working. I almost liked it better when I was told that I probably would never get pregnant so I shouldn't count on it. Then I got this optimistic doctor who went and got my hopes all up. It's crazy.

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

yeah, i especially struggled with the women i knew who had "whoops!" pregnancies. one of my close friends got pregnant the month before i got pregnant with abby and was laughing that they were proof that the "pull and pray" method of birth control didn't work. wheee! i wanted to hurt her, severely.

wow, i sure am fun to have around, huh?!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha, well it's a good thing you don't work with me, because SOOO many of my clients have "whoops" pregnancies all the time - some on birth control or with tubal ligations! So yeah, it's frustrating. I work with this one family and mom is SUPER fertile... but I also think it's something in the water, because their pet birds and their pet fish ALSO got pregnant. WTF??!?!

And hey, I appreciate your injection of realism. Really.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Jude - I know how you feel. EVERYONE in my daily life I know who wants to be pregnant is except for me. It's heartbreaking. People tell me I'm so brave for doing IVF #3 ... they would do the same thing if they were in my situation and so will you. Unfortunately for us, this is a very long, hard road. I am here for you and understand how heavy your heart feels right now.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am still holding out hope for you guys big time. If there's anyone in the world who "deserves" to be pregnant, it is you and Joel. I don't know how you guys have kept going for so long - I know that I don't have that kind of stamina. I've already been thinking about packing it in and starting the adoption process; it just seems more definite.

You ARE brave, even if you think you are only going on because you HAVE to. I know that we don't want to do IVF, so I hope that doesn't end up our only option.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Some days I don't know how I keep going ... I just wake up and concentrate on moving forward. I still have lots of hope. I don't know how long that will last. Hopefully, I won't have to find out.
I know that you and Jen will be excellent parents whichever route you have to go. I would change sperm donors. Get that super sperm and give it a few chances! I'm so looking forward to us both being pregnant soon.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you have a lot of hope. Your strength gives ME hope. Seriously. It sounds cheesy but it's true.

I'm looking at new donors right now. We really should have looked a long time ago, and I tried a couple of times, but there was too much going on for Jen to get involved. Now I'm worried that it will be too late! We're thinking of switching banks altogether so I have to hope that the bank and doctor can get their ducks in a row quickly!

Frustrating!

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I gain strength from you and everyone going through infertility. I don't have very many "real life" friends that understand what I'm going through. All of my family and friends who have wanted babies have had them no problem!
It's comforting to have your support and friendship. I know we will be life-long friends because of the bond we have.
I can just see us finally making it up to Boston someday with our baby, meeting you and yours. It WILL happen. I just know it!
Stay strong, and I will do the same. Thank you so much for your friendship. :)
Good luck with finding a new donor. I'm sure you'll get someone in time. It's all about time, heh?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, you're going to make me all misty. It doesn't take much with all of this pressure and all of these hormones! I was crying at the radio today! (I need help.)

We picked out a new donor (actually a top 3) and I am going to try to call the bank first thing tomorrow morning and see about making the switch. All 3 that we picked have confirmed pregnancies and we are ordering from a bank that guarantees 30million motile. Hopefully that will do the trick.

Jennie, I really can't wait for the day that you come to Massachusetts or we come to Texas with our child(ren) in tow. Sometimes I feel like I have known you for years and years. This process really does change people, doesn't it? Kind of lets you know who's with you and who's not.

xoxo

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I also feel like we have known each other for a lifetime. I know someday we will be holding our babies remembering how we helped each other get through this hard time. Yes, I'm weepy now too. :)
Good luck tomorrow. 30 million motile sounds great!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Maybe someday soon we can bump babybellies together!

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*hug* I love you.

Hope you don't mind my asking...

[saldemonium.livejournal.com]

Barb and I are talking about this, and I was just wondering, since I know nothing about how it all works, do you have to buy more sperm for every try? Or did that 1000 bucks get you a lot of it?

Re: Hope you don't mind my asking...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I /wish/ that $1000 got us a whoooooole lotta sperm! But a vial of sperm (and a vial is like one 'try') usually costs somewhere between $300 and $400, depending on which bank, what kind of preparation, etc. (I can explain more thoroughly if you would like a more detailed explanation.) When we dropped $1K, we bought 3 vials of unwashed sperm ($300 each vial plus $70something shipping - shipping was less because it was a local bank and we used a courier instead of overnight fedex). For these three cycles, we are using one vial per cycle - one insemination in the doctor's office. So we got three months out of it.

If you are buying sperm to do at-home inseminations, or if you want to supplement what the doctor is doing by doing at-home inseminations, you would probably buy more than one vial per month - at least two. So it adds up pretty quickly.

We're thinking of switching donors (we still have one vial of our current dude) and the new bank we're looking at charges like $400/vial and is in California so the shipping will probably be closer to $200. Pricey! (Plus we have to pay $300something/year to use space in our doctor's cryogenic freezer.)

Ch-ching!

[odd-dog.livejournal.com]

if you're really hard-up for extra sperm, I'll take you clubbing in Allston...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, I want GOOD, HEALTHY sperm!

(Can't you just go collect it for me?) :)

[ladyoracle.livejournal.com]

Well, fertility problems don't make you less of a "woman."

Really, I will probably not be able to have children, should I want them, without help from fertility Dr.'s a gynecologist once told me, although that makes me no less paranoid every time my period is late, which happens all the time, because my cycle is totally irregular and skips weeks, sometimes months, and I feel like I am PMS'ing almost all the time. But, actually most women have irregular periods--really, very few women naturally get that perfect 28-30 days between cycles. That's just one more way of the scientific world making women feel that our bodies are "wrong," and also an effort to medicate femaleness.

Pardon the feminist rhetoric :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well sure I know the 28-day cycle is a myth, but before I started taking tons of drugs, I didn't have an ANY-day cycle. I just didn't get anything at all. Now I actually get pretty standard (~31 days) cycles thanks to drugs but I don't seem to be getting knocked up! So frustrating. If this doesn't work soon I'm going to have to go in to check and see if my tubes are blocked or something. Wouldn't THAT be fun? (Ugh.)

So I hear you on the irregular periods, however, if someone like ME can go from having no period for three years straight and now ovulate pretty much every month, ANYONE can do it. Seriously. :)

But I do think, sometimes, that fertility problems make me feel like less of a "woman." Because "women" are supposed to be able to have babies. That's our one job, right? ;)

[estrange.livejournal.com]

What I hated the most is people who just get pregnant like that - and they weren't even trying. I have an lj friend who has gotten pregnant 2 times like that and just found out she is pregant again. My sister-in-law got pregnant on birth control pills! I always wish I could just be a normal person and not have to worry about this crap too.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, I hear you. Tons of my clients have had all of these "oops" pregnancies and I just want one of them to hand me a baby if they're not thrilled about it. :)

BFP?

[vorpalbla.livejournal.com]

BoyFriend Pregnant? (hey, these are interesting times)
Big Fucking Promotion?

Re: BFP?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Big Fat Positive
(as in pregnancy test)