Never say it can't get any worse

[judecorp]

I really should never tell myself that things can't get any worse. Because of course they can, and if you have my luck (or bad karma, can't really decide which), they probably will.

I went in for another ultrasound and bloodwork this morning to see how things are progressing. When I went in on Monday (CD12), I had two 12mm follicles on the left side and one just measurable (maybe 10mm?) on the right. My estrogen was 60. (To have a mature follicle, you usually need 150-200.) This morning the ultrasound tech didn't want to give me info, which is never a good sign. (Usually she tells me right when I'm hopping off the table.) She said that I had one follicle on the right that might be about 13mm. When I asked, "What happened to the ones on the left?" she said, "They're there, but they aren't growing." My estrogen was 69.

The nurse called me with the info this afternoon and said she wanted me to come in for another ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday (CD16), but she wanted to give me a 'heads up' that this cycle will probably be cancelled due to poor response.

I don't even know what to do or think. It's one thing to not be able to get pregnant but it's another thing entirely to not be able to grow mature follicles. It never occured to me that we might not be able to inseminate this cycle, only that it might be later than I'd hoped. We're already out next cycle because I had to schedule an appointment with the RE before we could proceed (to discuss more aggressive treatments) and I won't see him in time to start the next round.

I don't even know if I should go in on Friday just to be devastated. I don't know if I should continue TTC. It seems pretty hopeless for me, if I can't even ovulate with ovulation-inducing medication.

I'm just so frustrated because I had a poor response last cycle, too, and I spoke to the nurse about it before starting this cycle and she said it was fine, that they didn't think they should change anything or increase the dosage or anything, and now I feel like I blew my chance... not to mention wasted a ton of money on sperm for this cycle that's not going to get used.

I wonder what will go wrong tomorrow.

Comments

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

you know, this really sucks.

don't throw in the towel yet, though. did you discuss your stress level? extreme stress (hello? sick wife, apartment hunting, your dad's anniversary, destroyed car, confrontation with drunken fool? all you need now is a plague of locusts) will suppress ovulation. it might not be that you're not responding so much as your body delaying until it's "safe."

even if you can't relax, try to trick your body into thinking it's relaxed. massage! sex/magic wand! brush the cat. meditate - or at least, breathe deeply. yoga (i know $ is tight, but lots of studios have free/supercheap first class).

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

If they call me on Friday and try to cancel, I will try to tell them about the stressful two weeks and see if that can buy me another couple of days of monitoring. I know that some doctors have some idea (that I don't buy) that later-ovulated eggs are less good, so sometimes they will cancel IUIs if you don't O by a certain time. But I've only ever O'd 3 times ever! (1st time with no Clomid CD21, 2nd time with Clomid CD16, 3rd time with Clomid CD18)

I am going to try to relax as much as I can (and hope for sex!!) and even try positive visualization. I'd like to think that stress is just playing with me, but honestly, this crap doesn't help the stress level AT ALL.

p.s. Yoga is a good suggestion but /totally/ doesn't relax me. Probably because I am a freak!

p.p.s. Any word on resignations?

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

Yep, and i know that it's hard to make yourself relax, but anything you can do to fake it!

pps. none yet, but someone's been taking a lot of "personal days" that she usually never takes. cross your fingers!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Related to nothing, I /love/ that picture of the cat with the jaunty little hat. I want to put hats on my cats!

I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. Then I could really fake-relax in style!

p.p.s. Should I leave her a letterbomb?

[sassyjenski.livejournal.com]

Thanks - that's acorn, my "husband"! We call him my husband because he tolerates Leo and the kids but loooovvvves me. our other cat, isaac, will barely look at leo and me but loves the kids. go figure.

pps. maybe!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, I loves me some cats!

[rockymtnhigh.livejournal.com]

(((hugs)))

fingers crossed that things turn around for you eventually

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[violane.livejournal.com]

Man, that sucks. I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work out. I bet the RE will have some good strategies, though, and your next try will be here before you know it.

I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, I know our next step will be injectibles. The problem is that we're not sure if we want to do injectibles. So we will have some thinking to do.

I'm just so afraid that they will cancel my cycle and then I will ovulate like 2 days later.

[mayna.livejournal.com]

:-( sorry it's not working out. Hopefully it will later. Maybe if this doesn't work that Jen could "donate" eggs?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, it's not like I don't have eggs in there - they just don't want to come out! (Of course I could have a whole host of other problems that I don't know about yet.) But Jen and I decided a while back that IVF is not something we want to pursue.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Jude - I just want to cry for you. Why is this so hard for us. Just makes me want to scream.
I think injects may be up next for you. I have known many people to have a better response on them then clomid. Take some time to think about it. Focusing on the next try always helps me get through the dark hours.
LOVE AND HUGS

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We are not sure if we want to do injects. We have a lot of thinking to do. I'm sure that's what they will suggest next but we're not sure we want to do that. This might be the end of the road for us. We need to decide... but were hoping we would have this chance to hopefully not come to that.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I will be thinking of you and Jen and will have my little angel say a few prayers for you.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Don't get too discouraged yet. I went in numerous (by numerous, I mean almost every single time I went in) times and they'd always look and become very silent - they'd get that look on their face and then tell me I probably wouldn't make a good follicle. Of course I'd come back in later in my cycle and the follicle would look good and be the right size. It could just be you are ovulating later. I hope that is what is happening to you. My follicles seem to progress slowly as well. I always hated gonig in because they'd say "It probably won't work, don't get discouraged" & stuff like that and then I'd go in later and everything would be alright. So please don't give up yet! I usually ovulated on day 19.

The one cycle where I didn't ovulate with the clomid she uped my dose and that worked! It was the cycle I got 2 follicles & got pregnant. So I don't think you should give up yet even though it is really frustrating. I really think you should talk about uping the clomid dose with them.

Can't they save the sperm for next time if it doesn't work out this cycle?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, see, *I* am not discouraged by the slow growth, my doctor is. And I'm SO afraid they are going to decide to cancel too soon, and then I will ovulate and have no insemination. It's not like we can just cancel the IUI and then have sex a lot. :(

I mean, there IS growth happening, but I think they are more concerned about the fact that my E2 only went up 9 in two days. I guess they think that the follicles might grow but not have mature eggs in there.

I asked when I got my negative beta last cycle about upping my Clomid and they said no, it wasn't necessary, even though I was concerned about slow progress.

The nurse told me that if things didn't look promising on Friday, the cycle was over. And Friday is only CD18.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

That just sucks. Maybe you should just tell them you want to try it later even if it doesn't look great in their eyes. You never know if you don't try and doctors aren't always right.

that's funny they didn't up your clomid - I really think that would be the best next step but all doctors are different.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

My doctor is kind of weird like that. What the nurse told me was that they like to do everything in 3s, and THEN change. But that seems so silly - I mean, I think an upped dose of Clomid would have really helped. *sigh*

But yes, I am going to really push on Friday if they talk about cancelling. I will argue about the stress and I will also ask them if I can come back in if I get a Peak on my monitor.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Forgot to mention that I usually went in for the first ultrasound check on day 12 even though I told them like 437849372894 times I ovulated on day 19. Really this could be what is happening Jude.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Sure, and I proved last cycle that I was ovulating later the second time. (The first cycle of Clomid I triggered on CD14, and the second time I didn't trigger until CD16.) I'm just scared that I'm going to ovulate even /later/ this third time (if at all), and before I do they're going to give up.

I definitely am going to take sassyjenski's advice and tell them that I have had a very stressful 2 weeks and think O is coming, but delayed. But I know some doctors will say that eggs released later in the cycle aren't as good (which I think is bogus, but hey) and will cancel the IUI and just tell people to have sex. But since our having sex won't get us pregnant, it's just a big fat waste of a month.

The one cycle I O'd and didn't use Clomid, I O'd on CD21. And that first cycle, the one where I O'd on CD16, I took Clomid on days 4-8 instead of 3-7.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Tell them not to give up - tell them about me. That I ovulated on day 19 and managed to have a sucessful pregnancy (and am pregnant again after ovulating on day 19) and had many of the same problems as you. I know that some doctors don't like it when you ovulate later because the follicle quality might not be as good but again, it worked for me. I really think you need to discuss it with them in more detail and just see what they say.

It's good to tell them that you have been stressed and think it's delayed.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I guess I have to just keep hoping that things will look more promising on Friday and they will leave me alone and let us do an IUI.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Also, check out the message board on http://www.soulcysters.com/

It's a site for women with PCOS. The message board has an entire section dedicated to PCOS women TTC. They are all very nice & helpful. Perhaps they would have some suggestions for you. It's a great place just to vent and talk to others with similar experiences.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I've been to that site before. I also loiter around the PCOS board on Fertility Friend. Right now I'm just too upset to do any more reading.

Thank you for the tip.

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

I will steal a baby for you at the supermarket. I think it will probably end up being a Chinese or Mexican baby though. Hope that's ok! If not I can try and go to a suburban Safeway this weekend?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I will gladly love any stolen baby you can produce.

I have to stay out of malls because I try to steal all of the babies.
And that is a bad thing to get caught doing. Especially as a social worker.

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey.

:HUGS:

Is there anything I can do?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No, but thank you. *hug*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Naah. But I do appreciate the hugs!

[jennbits.livejournal.com]

I don't know much about fertility treatments besides what you've posted.. but I do know one thing. You and Jen have an incredible amount of love between the two of you, and while this may be a lot of frustration right now, nothing is going to ever be too much for your baby now or later.

Hang in there, Jude. I hate it that this is so hard for you, but the end result is going to be a very happy family, one way or another. You and Jen are going to make amazing, loving and supportive parents.

Want a back massage? :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't really like back massages, but thanks for the offer! :)

I hope you're right about the other stuff. I know this baby stuff isn't supposed to be easy or whatever, but you know, the rest of the crap just DOESN'T have to happen to us all the time. I am so effing sick of it and just want a normal life for, heck, a week? I would take a week.

xo