Some statistics

[judecorp]

They say that when you can see your baby's heartbeat on ultrasound, you have a 95% chance of making it to the second trimester. I don't know who "they" is and it could be an old wives' tale for all I know, but that's what they say.

We are in the 5%. We had an ultrasound this afternoon and Baby B had stopped growing and was dead, somewhere around 7w5d. That's only a couple of days after our first bleed and our last ultrasound.

Baby A looked positively awesome, measuring 9w5d, heartbeat of 183, moving its little limbs. We saw its beautiful head, arms and hands (even the fingers!), little chest and legs, and the neat loopy cord that links us together.

Then they told us that there's a significant chance that my body is realizing that I am carrying a dead baby and will start working to miscarry it. I asked for odds (because I definitely know people who have lost multiples and continued to term) and the midwife didn't really know - she said probably less than 50% to miscarry but she couldn't say it was, say 25%. And I'm sure she was extra guarded because I'm already having bleeding. She basically told us that I could start cramping tonight, or I could deliver a healthy baby in the summer, or anything in between.

On top of this, the subchorionic hematoma has grown, from about 1cm in area to about 2cm. It seems, on ultrasound, to be behind Baby A somewhere and she didn't expect it to get in the way, but of course couldn't say for sure. And I have a cyst on my left ovary that is now 5cm.

Why is this happening to us? It's like a triple whammy: dead baby, bigger hematoma, big cyst. At this point they're not sure where the bleeding is coming from - either from the hematoma or the baby. I sure hope it's the former. I just don't know why we have such rotten luck.

We are simply beside ourselves with worry and aren't really up for talking about it, even to each other. The plan is for me to spend at least through Tuesday (my next appointment) lying around and hope that there is no more bleeding and no cramping. Jen is working from home tomorrow to spend time with me, and she didn't go to work today. Lisa, I'm sorry this means we will miss your party tomorrow.

Please, even if you don't really believe it works, send some energy into the Universe that we are able to continue to grow our beautiful baby.

Comments

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry Jude :( That's what happened to me both with my first pregnancy which I had one baby and it also died around 7 weeks and I had no idea until the ultrasound at 11 weeks. Then this pregnancy as you know I also had twins and lost the twin. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? I'm so sorry. My doctor told me the same thing and said some women will bleed out the miscarried baby and others will reabsorb it. My body reabsorbed it and they will need to take it out when I deliver. I'm not sure if it helps to hear any of this but I just want you to know you are not alone and I have been through this too. When I found out Ryan was out of town and it was so hard for me being without him. I am so glad you have Jen there with you. If it would help, you might want to join the miscarriage community> I set it up after my first miscarriage to get support. Since I've made lease the maintainer but I still do moderation. Sometimes it's nice just to post in a community to get some support.

Ryan looked it up and I believe they call it the "missing twin". He said from what he found it is pretty common thing to happen, probably especially in women like us with PCOS.

I am so glad that one baby is still ok. I remember when she told me, it was so hard to try to be happy while still feeling so sad at the same time. I just hope that this baby will stay in there happy & healthy. Try to stay positive if you can. Maybe those cds might help you.

I understand you don't want to talk about it right now, but if and when you do just know that I am here and will listen. I know how hard it is to have a miscarriage. I am so sorry :(

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for everything. I remember when they found a second sac with you but I don't remember how far along you were. I wonder if that makes a difference in whether or not you reabsorb. I wish I would stop bleeding and spotting so I could feel like things were going okay. Every day I am paranoid that I will start having cramps, and every time I have gas pain or a random pain or a stitch in my side I get worried that this is the beginning of the end.

I need to find your CDs. They are packed with my office things (because I kept them on the computer desk) and I don't know where that box is. I should get someone to look for them.

xo

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you for feeling stressed about the bleeding, it would really stress me out too.