judecorp: (getting harder)
[personal profile] judecorp
They say that when you can see your baby's heartbeat on ultrasound, you have a 95% chance of making it to the second trimester. I don't know who "they" is and it could be an old wives' tale for all I know, but that's what they say.

We are in the 5%. We had an ultrasound this afternoon and Baby B had stopped growing and was dead, somewhere around 7w5d. That's only a couple of days after our first bleed and our last ultrasound.

Baby A looked positively awesome, measuring 9w5d, heartbeat of 183, moving its little limbs. We saw its beautiful head, arms and hands (even the fingers!), little chest and legs, and the neat loopy cord that links us together.

Then they told us that there's a significant chance that my body is realizing that I am carrying a dead baby and will start working to miscarry it. I asked for odds (because I definitely know people who have lost multiples and continued to term) and the midwife didn't really know - she said probably less than 50% to miscarry but she couldn't say it was, say 25%. And I'm sure she was extra guarded because I'm already having bleeding. She basically told us that I could start cramping tonight, or I could deliver a healthy baby in the summer, or anything in between.

On top of this, the subchorionic hematoma has grown, from about 1cm in area to about 2cm. It seems, on ultrasound, to be behind Baby A somewhere and she didn't expect it to get in the way, but of course couldn't say for sure. And I have a cyst on my left ovary that is now 5cm.

Why is this happening to us? It's like a triple whammy: dead baby, bigger hematoma, big cyst. At this point they're not sure where the bleeding is coming from - either from the hematoma or the baby. I sure hope it's the former. I just don't know why we have such rotten luck.

We are simply beside ourselves with worry and aren't really up for talking about it, even to each other. The plan is for me to spend at least through Tuesday (my next appointment) lying around and hope that there is no more bleeding and no cramping. Jen is working from home tomorrow to spend time with me, and she didn't go to work today. Lisa, I'm sorry this means we will miss your party tomorrow.

Please, even if you don't really believe it works, send some energy into the Universe that we are able to continue to grow our beautiful baby.
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Date: 2006-12-07 11:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mollysummer72.livejournal.com
Oh. how nerve wracking. I'm so, so sorry for your loss and I am sending all the vibes I've got out into the Universe for you tonight. We'll also light a candle at bedtime for you and your lovely family.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] starstealingirl.livejournal.com
I'm thinking of you, Jude.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bafleyanne.livejournal.com
Oh honey I'm so sorry. :( I'm thinking major positive thoughts for you--please keep us updated. *hugs*

Date: 2006-12-08 12:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jeney.livejournal.com
i'm so sorry for both of you. i remember the sadness. i don't know what to say. i'm sorry. this is really shitty.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] indigodove.livejournal.com
I do believe prayer works, and I'm praying for you ALL. I'm really sorry to hear this bad news. Hugs.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:25 am (UTC)
siercia: (Default)
From: [personal profile] siercia
Oh, Jude. I am so sorry. Sending you and the little tiny one all the good energy I have.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aminahfiddler.livejournal.com
You are in my prayers. I'm so sorry to hear the news.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] prettyvacantone.livejournal.com
(((((Jude)))))))

Date: 2006-12-08 12:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] laserkitty.livejournal.com
Love you guys. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daddi-cade.livejournal.com
You're more than welcome to squeeze me dry of good vibes.

Take it easy.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tea-soaked.livejournal.com
*hugs*

We here are sending you all so much love and positive energy.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelhsent.livejournal.com
all my prayers and good vibes will be going your way.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_epiphany_girl_/
I am so sorry, Jude.

I'm sending you good thoughts, and prayers for your baby.

*hug*

Date: 2006-12-08 12:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] estrange.livejournal.com
I am so sorry Jude :( That's what happened to me both with my first pregnancy which I had one baby and it also died around 7 weeks and I had no idea until the ultrasound at 11 weeks. Then this pregnancy as you know I also had twins and lost the twin. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? I'm so sorry. My doctor told me the same thing and said some women will bleed out the miscarried baby and others will reabsorb it. My body reabsorbed it and they will need to take it out when I deliver. I'm not sure if it helps to hear any of this but I just want you to know you are not alone and I have been through this too. When I found out Ryan was out of town and it was so hard for me being without him. I am so glad you have Jen there with you. If it would help, you might want to join the [livejournal.com profile] miscarriage community> I set it up after my first miscarriage to get support. Since I've made [livejournal.com profile] lease the maintainer but I still do moderation. Sometimes it's nice just to post in a community to get some support.

Ryan looked it up and I believe they call it the "missing twin". He said from what he found it is pretty common thing to happen, probably especially in women like us with PCOS.

I am so glad that one baby is still ok. I remember when she told me, it was so hard to try to be happy while still feeling so sad at the same time. I just hope that this baby will stay in there happy & healthy. Try to stay positive if you can. Maybe those cds might help you.

I understand you don't want to talk about it right now, but if and when you do just know that I am here and will listen. I know how hard it is to have a miscarriage. I am so sorry :(

Date: 2006-12-09 01:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] judecorp.livejournal.com
Thank you for everything. I remember when they found a second sac with you but I don't remember how far along you were. I wonder if that makes a difference in whether or not you reabsorb. I wish I would stop bleeding and spotting so I could feel like things were going okay. Every day I am paranoid that I will start having cramps, and every time I have gas pain or a random pain or a stitch in my side I get worried that this is the beginning of the end.

I need to find your CDs. They are packed with my office things (because I kept them on the computer desk) and I don't know where that box is. I should get someone to look for them.

xo

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] estrange.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-12-09 04:25 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-12-08 12:51 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Oh no!!! I'm so sorry. Mom just read this with me and we're both heartbroken for you and will keep our fingers crossed for you.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainbow-slinky.livejournal.com
Shit, sorry that was me. Didn't realize Bill logged me out this morning.

Date: 2006-12-08 12:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mnsnstar.livejournal.com
I'm so so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you during this sad time. I'll keep my fingers crossed for Baby A to go full-term!

Date: 2006-12-08 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] changinglight.livejournal.com
dear beuatiful jude and jenn,

i am so sorry to hear about all of this. you are all in my thoughts and prayers, and please know that we are here.

--christina

Date: 2006-12-08 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yttrai.livejournal.com
You have serious vibage from me. I am beyond sad for you, but i am filling myself with hope and positive thoughts for all three of you.

Date: 2006-12-08 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] judecorp.livejournal.com
Wow, I didn't know you were around! Thanks for everything. You're sweet.

Date: 2006-12-08 01:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stapynam.livejournal.com
i am so sorry. you will be in my prayers.

Date: 2006-12-08 01:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lunapoppy.livejournal.com
i am so sorry for your loss, and i will be wishing extra hard that everything goes well from here.

Date: 2006-12-08 01:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jennbits.livejournal.com
You're in my thoughts, Jude. I am wishing and hoping the best for the baby so that you can have a happy and healthy pregnancy.

Hang in there, baby!!! Your parents want you VERY badly and you are going to be very loved and have a GREAT life.

Date: 2006-12-08 01:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com
I'm sorry Jude. I'm thinking of you, and will send out that energy. xoxoxo. If you want to talk, don't hesitate to call.

Date: 2006-12-08 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amyura.livejournal.com
Praying hard for you twothree. *hugs* and much love to you.

Date: 2006-12-08 02:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ntiva.livejournal.com
I will be praying for you. I am so sorry, and I do know the pain you are feeling right now.

Try to take it easy. I know that is easier said than done right now.

Date: 2006-12-08 02:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] snack.livejournal.com
*sending you love*
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