Why the internet is bad

[judecorp]

When I was about 17w pregnant, a girl online who was 19w pregnant that I was chatty with because she'd lost a twin too went to her big anatomy scan at 19w to learn that her baby had recently died. She had had a perfect amniocentesis just 3 weeks before. Talk about scary!

Then earlier this week, a girl online who is due pretty much right when I am due was having weird feelings that she described as "pressure in her bowels." She went to get checked out and learned that her cervix was totally open and her bag of water was starting to come out! So she went to the hospital where they completely confined her to bed with her head down and her feet up, hoping she can make it to some sort of viability. So basically for the last four days I have been paranoid of any sort of bodily function.

This morning I read a post from another woman who had lost a twin early on. She was in her 19th week and just delivered her stillborn son. I'm guessing incompetent cervix, but oh my god, how awful!

I know that these are rare instances but after seeing so many in such a short time I am starting to wonder how ANYONE can successfully have a baby. I guess part of me always thinks that since I already lost one baby that we are kind of a shoo-in to have the other... but those other two women I was buddying around with know otherwise.

I have never been a paranoid person but this stuff majorly scares me. I try nightly to tell myself that my body knows what to do but how would I know? It's never done this before and it's already let me down once before. So scary.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, to be fair, that woman who delivered at 21w+ /is/ taking her baby home soon... but do not believe the articles that say she will have no long-lasting effects. When I worked in Early Intervention I worked with a number of micropreemies (the earliest being 21w6d) and there are ALWAYS effects - maybe not obvious ones like heart defects, etc. but any baby that's had bleeding in its brain (aka a stroke, but in babies they call it interventricular hemorrhage) has lasting effects like sensory problems, weaknesses, etc. And I doubt that any baby being sent home on oxygen is not going to have long-lasting lung issues.

But yes, it IS possible to have a pre-term baby with happy endings but that doesn't mean that it's not scary to someone who is 21w1d and measuring a couple of days behind. The likelihood that my baby would survive if I delivered today is very slim. I know I will feel better when I get closer to a time of higher viability but these folks who have lost twins and now their surviving babies hit a little too close to home for my liking.

There is something really unsettling about carrying a dead baby around. I really feel close to these women because we all had something really awful in common. I feel like we can get over losing one child but I'm not sure about two.

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

I actually agree with you on this one. I was just trying to be positive.

You are such a strong woman with what you are going thru. I really admire you. Steve and I talk about it all the time and you should know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No, I appreciate the "think positive" stuff but not so much when I just had the third dead baby in front of my face. Maybe later this afternoon or tomorrow I will be more positive.

It's so surreal to feel this way. My baby can be thumping away inside me to say "thank you for the raisin bran" (she REALLY likes raisin bran, good for me) and I can still be worrying that she will be dead later.

It's so weird. I consider myself a very rational person who is pretty even-keel but every single thing that has to do with this baby can reduce me to tears in seconds. Last night at dinner Jen and I were talking about her family (and how I feel they disrespect her sometimes) and I was getting majorly teary just thinking about how I don't want my baby to see her mommy get treated that way.