Why the internet is bad

[judecorp]

When I was about 17w pregnant, a girl online who was 19w pregnant that I was chatty with because she'd lost a twin too went to her big anatomy scan at 19w to learn that her baby had recently died. She had had a perfect amniocentesis just 3 weeks before. Talk about scary!

Then earlier this week, a girl online who is due pretty much right when I am due was having weird feelings that she described as "pressure in her bowels." She went to get checked out and learned that her cervix was totally open and her bag of water was starting to come out! So she went to the hospital where they completely confined her to bed with her head down and her feet up, hoping she can make it to some sort of viability. So basically for the last four days I have been paranoid of any sort of bodily function.

This morning I read a post from another woman who had lost a twin early on. She was in her 19th week and just delivered her stillborn son. I'm guessing incompetent cervix, but oh my god, how awful!

I know that these are rare instances but after seeing so many in such a short time I am starting to wonder how ANYONE can successfully have a baby. I guess part of me always thinks that since I already lost one baby that we are kind of a shoo-in to have the other... but those other two women I was buddying around with know otherwise.

I have never been a paranoid person but this stuff majorly scares me. I try nightly to tell myself that my body knows what to do but how would I know? It's never done this before and it's already let me down once before. So scary.

Comments

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

Ok. What about the women who had her baby at 20 weeks and taking her home soon?

What about the women that have "litters". What about the wonderful announcements that we were reading about on the list?

Just trying to point out the positives. I can understand how you feel and I think I would be a bit paranoid too but don't let it take over.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, to be fair, that woman who delivered at 21w+ /is/ taking her baby home soon... but do not believe the articles that say she will have no long-lasting effects. When I worked in Early Intervention I worked with a number of micropreemies (the earliest being 21w6d) and there are ALWAYS effects - maybe not obvious ones like heart defects, etc. but any baby that's had bleeding in its brain (aka a stroke, but in babies they call it interventricular hemorrhage) has lasting effects like sensory problems, weaknesses, etc. And I doubt that any baby being sent home on oxygen is not going to have long-lasting lung issues.

But yes, it IS possible to have a pre-term baby with happy endings but that doesn't mean that it's not scary to someone who is 21w1d and measuring a couple of days behind. The likelihood that my baby would survive if I delivered today is very slim. I know I will feel better when I get closer to a time of higher viability but these folks who have lost twins and now their surviving babies hit a little too close to home for my liking.

There is something really unsettling about carrying a dead baby around. I really feel close to these women because we all had something really awful in common. I feel like we can get over losing one child but I'm not sure about two.

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

I actually agree with you on this one. I was just trying to be positive.

You are such a strong woman with what you are going thru. I really admire you. Steve and I talk about it all the time and you should know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No, I appreciate the "think positive" stuff but not so much when I just had the third dead baby in front of my face. Maybe later this afternoon or tomorrow I will be more positive.

It's so surreal to feel this way. My baby can be thumping away inside me to say "thank you for the raisin bran" (she REALLY likes raisin bran, good for me) and I can still be worrying that she will be dead later.

It's so weird. I consider myself a very rational person who is pretty even-keel but every single thing that has to do with this baby can reduce me to tears in seconds. Last night at dinner Jen and I were talking about her family (and how I feel they disrespect her sometimes) and I was getting majorly teary just thinking about how I don't want my baby to see her mommy get treated that way.

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

I don't really have anything useful to say, since you already know all the "relax, trust your body, etc" stuff, but I just wanted to send you some ((((((hugs))))))

Perhaps some distraction is in order?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I could definitely use some distraction. I go to work in a little bit where I don't do any pregnancy talking/reading for the most part and we will do our weekly doppler check on Saturday... but it's still scary.

I don't want to lose another baby!

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

Of course you don't... unfortunately this worry is really part of the experience, I fear. I mean, I didn't go through what you have, but I was in fear all the time - heck, I still am, and my kiddo's 8 months and plenty healthy! I worry that a car will sideswipe us and the carseat will fail, I worry (LOTS) that we'll drop him on a concrete floor and give him brain damage, that his daycare provider will turn out to be a horrible sadist, that his doctor will miss some telltale sign of a future life-threatening problem, and on and on and on...

But somewhere, in between all the worry (and I *am* a paranoid sort, I must admit), I get to enjoy the very best and most adorable little guy I've ever known - and really, it's all worth it!

I guess I'm just saying the worry doesn't really go away, it just changes, and we just have to learn how to deal with it and like another poster said, put it in a box so we can enjoy our little ones!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I think I would rather worry about stuff when the kid is actually here than worry about whether we will even have a kid. At least now we're at the point where we talk about having a baby... for a long time there were a lot of disclaimers like, "If we have this baby..." which was really gutwrenching.

Here's to healthy babies!

re: how ANYONE can successfully have a baby.

[etherial.livejournal.com]

*hug* I don't know either, but after Frankie's born, give me some tips, ok?

Re: how ANYONE can successfully have a baby.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Seriously. When we are holding a healthy baby I will shout it to the rooftops, I swear.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I am so scared too. I don't think we will feel relieved until we hold our babies in our arms. I used to say ... oh, just get me to 28 weeks and she'll have a good chance to survive. I'll feel so good then. NOT! Here I am at almost 39 weeks with a baby everyone tells me is healthy and doing well but I'm still stressing. Will the cord be wrapped around her neck? Geez ... haven't felt her move in a while is she still alive in there? I hate that I have those thoughts. Really hate it!

Anytime you have a m/c or experience loss in a pregnancy it ups your "fear factor" quite a bit. Just know you're not alone and I'm praying for you and Frankie every night!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

28 weeks feels like such a dream. Heck, even 25 - viability goes up quite a bit by 25w. It's so hit and miss though - I've met 24w babies that were largely okay and then 32w babies that had a lot of continuing issues. It's such a crapshoot and that is so maddening!

I know in my heart that you and Emma are going to be just fine. You have worked so hard and come so far and IVF seems like such a distant memory. I want to be lucky just like you. And I know the odds are in my favor and these folks are the rarity. But why do there have to be so many??!?

Augh.

p.s. We say our prayers for you, Joel, and Emma every night too.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Awww... thanks for the prayers. IVF does seem like a distant memory, but unfortunately the pain of our m/c in April does not. Losing a baby is so hard at any stage. I seriously think some days this will be it for us because I don't want to go through the worry again...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I am lucky in the sense that I was never planning to have more than one child from my own womb (there's another womb in my house and also a world full of children to love) so I don't feel that pressure to be willing to have another. But I am truly envious of those folks who can have pregnancies and NOT worry. It seems like every milestone should make things easier (heck, I made it halfway!) but it only ups the investment.

*HUGS* to you.

Prayers and hope

[aliandra.livejournal.com]

I know it's been forever since I've written in your journal, (partially because I was away from LJ for a while) but I have been watching here, and loving the pics, and dear, you have the cutest pregnancy belly on the net!

And I understand the fears. Doctors told me when I was 13, 15, 18 that I'd never have a child. I had too many 'problems', and they never could tell me what. Six years ago or so I was diagnosed with PCOS too...and it all made sense.

The hope in this, is my beautiful daughter turned 12 a week ago. The child that I didn't know I was even carrying for four months, because my periods were always that wonky. The child that I had lost over 50 lbs of weight in the first trimester (again, because I didn't know she was in there growing). I carried to term, had a difficult birth, but every moment of it was worth it. Have I mentioned she's beautiful?

I used to cry at night, arms wrapped around my tummy, hoping that she'd be alright, and so worried that I had hurt her by not knowing she was there. I had the bleeding, and thought I'd had a period, and it was more likely a missed twin early on...And I was pretty sure I didn't deserve to have a child. All the doubt, and worry...try to keep it in a box.

I've loved hearing about Frankie, looking at the adorable pics. Frankie is a doll already, cute as a button, and seems to be to be quite prepared to stay warm and toasty inside of you until you evict him.

You have waves of prayers, from around the world.

Re: Prayers and hope

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Gosh, I can't believe your daughter is 12 years old. Man, time flies, hunh? It's crazy how things happen.

I appreciate you popping in to write. I haven't seen you around in so long! And I thank you for sharing your story.

I have big plans for Frank to hang out past my due date. And I'm a planner, so it had better happen!

[realsupergirl.livejournal.com]

It is scary. I am praying and hoping for everything to turn out fine. I guess that's why they call it the "miracle of birth" - because it's a miracle when it turns out OK. Even with all our technology we can't get it right all the time.

But you're being followed by doctors, and you're taking care of yourself, and that's all you can do. Keep thinking positively as much as you can - I really believe it can help.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, realistically I know you're right. There isn't anything else I can do besides what I am already doing and hope for the best - but somehow that doesn't seem like enough when there is so much at stake. With every passing day, the emotional attachment gets even stronger. It's incredible.

I ended up calling my midwife today about something. I don't usually call and usually have a "wait and see" approach to everything but given recent events, I figure it won't hurt to call.

And basically was told to "wait and see." Ha ha!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know my odds are pretty good right now. I mean, these are the things I think about most of the time and it's how I'm able to get out of bed, go to work, and live a somewhat normal life. Otherwise I would lay in bed all day trying to control something that isn't controllable.

Usually I think I'm a pretty balanced person about this pregnancy stuff. We're cautious, but we're not crazy, you know? I still help with the snow shoveling. I still do the laundry. Etc. I can't spend the whole time worrying about something that might happen on a rare instance.

It's when the unexpected stuff happens. I mean, I know about things like incompetent cervix but it just seems so prevalent when it's a forum of women. I just need to remind myself that there are a lot of people who AREN'T posting because they are having perfectly normal pregnancies.

It's weird to think of my body as some sort of vessel for someone else that we're already so attached to.

[somerandomchic.livejournal.com]

God how I know that "how does anyone ever have a healthy baby" feeling! I wonder how in heck anyone ever just gets pregnant! It's hard to offer any solace that doesn't feel fake, but just know that we are all pulling for you and your little one.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, I think a lot of people get pregnant but there are far too many good people who have a hard time STAYING pregnant. And I wish I knew why that was. I mean, I understand that there could be genetic wonkiness (which is probably the case with our lost baby) but it just seems like SO MANY people have m/cs and stuff. I guess when you talk about fertility boards and things you're not exactly getting a random sample but still... I wish there didn't have to be so much heartache.

I am SO crossing my fingers for your IUI.

[whuffle.livejournal.com]

I know that I'm not in any position to talk since I haven't been pregnant and haven't had to deal with fertility treatments, but I am sorry that you are feeling so fearful throughout this experience. Yes, I do see how the things that have happened to you so far are good reason to be scared, but I wish somehow that there were also compelling reasons for you to have HOPE. Unfortunately, I don't know what to say that can change that.

I can only offer you a long distance hug and the hope that this gets easier for you as each week passes and you come closer to your due date with a still-healthy child. I would also gently suggest that maybe, since reading these things is disturbing you so much, it would be a good idea to stop reading these communities for a while (as you yourself seem to recognize by the title of this post)>

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It comes and goes. I mean, most of the time it's just another day and we get excited and we do our thing. (I guess that's just not as fun to write about.) But it's those unexplained, unexpected shockers that really get to you. It sort of hits home that anything can happen to anyone, you know? Especially when something already has. I'm not a fatalistic person by nature, and I do believe we have a very good chance of having a healthy baby, but I know there are possibilities. And when you are this invested in something, those possibilities are extra scary.

I could avoid the forums altogether but then would also miss the GOOD postings from people I really like. I wish all of the scary bad ones were in one spot that said "DON'T CLICK HERE!" Instead they are mixed in with other people's happy announcements, you know?

[mayna.livejournal.com]

I always worry before about 20 weeks... I guess that big ultrasound helps me a lot to see that the baby's OK. My midwife said she has never had any mom lose a baby after hearing the heartbeat. These things happen but for most people they don't (heck I'm on preg #3... never had a miscarriage either and those are really common!)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You and your midwife are very lucky people.

I have come into contact with (and/or known personally) several people who have lost babies after hearing the heartbeat, who have lost babies after 14w, who have lost babies or have had micropreemies due to incompetent cervix and/or infections. (I guess Early Intervention work helped with that.) I know that MY experience with moms (from EI) is not typical but I feel like your personal experience (3 really easy pregnancies with no complications whatsoever) is not typical either. At least not typical of the TTC folks I know.

[kcmedc.livejournal.com]

And now a moment with our sponser.

Baby number one concieved on March 19th born on her due date December 8th. Healthy 7lb 2oz 19inches long

Baby number two concieved on November 10th arrived five days late on August 5th Healthy 6lbs 8oz 19 inches long owes me five days rent.

Baby number three concived on Feburary 17th arrived five days early on his mama's birthday November 3rd. 7lbs 12oz 20 inches long.

Three perfect examples of how everything can go right. Hugs to you I know it's scary at times. Chris absolutely forbid me from watching Maternity Ward on TLC while I was preggers with CJ. Hang in there you're almost half way home.

We now return you to our regulary scheduled program.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I avoid a lot of those tragic birth shows - but at the same time I already have the info in my noggin because I worked in Early Intervention. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I worked with the /exceptions/ and not the /norms/ (but it's hard when it was all I saw for 3 years). A former EI coworker of mine just had a healthy baby on her due date and she e-mailed me recently to say that she was also terrified of preterm labor, largely because of work.

Thank you for your positive stories. If you end up collecting the back rent, tell me how!

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I can only imagine, and I think I'll feel a lot the same. Know that I'm praying for you every day at some point!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I appreciate it. I know your prayers are like magic because you have a direct line to God!

[mermil.livejournal.com]

I guess worry is part of the game, and when you had such a rough time early on, I can't blame you for being extra worried. What sucks is we all know worrying does nothing to actually help or hinder the outcome of events, yet none of us can stop doing it! Pregnancy forces you to acknowledge just how complex the human body is, and DAMN, that's really scary.

All I can say is, don't let the worry stomp all over your happiness. I keep on telling myself that it's not actually a crime to feel optimistic about this kid, and I hate that I have to feel like it's somehow a copout for me to feel good about this once in a while, instead of my standard-gripped-with-worry-and-uncertainty schtick. If you can, maybe you can drag yourself out of that trap, too.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know that worrying does nothing to actually change the outcome of anything... but I also know that being aware of your body can certainly help if something comes up. I'm not saying spend every moment analyzing every bodily function, but I would hope that most people have a general understanding of their body and know what things usually feel like. It's when things feel "weird" or "not right" that people need to trust their instincts.

We are still very happy. That hasn't changed. With every passing day we become more and more invested. And that makes it just a little bit scarier. Losing a baby and finding out at 10w was hard. Losing a baby at 20w or more? Augh.

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Jude, I've never posted on your blog but I'm from the May boards and hear EXACTLY what you're saying!!! Just yesterday I saw someone's siggy list a child stillborn at 35 weeks and I was like "GAH!" and had to turn them off. I've become high-risk and limit myself to very innocuous-sounding posts, belly pics, and the Names forum. Everything else worries me too much and I'm already on bedrest due to hbp.

I try to remind myself that chances ARE, everything will be fine. I picture myself in a single-file line and being told to "go" w/o even being looked at. So many have before us.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ugh, that is awful. In your situation I would avoid all of those boards, too. Sometimes you just get sucked into it like a train wreck though!

I am holding out hope that you make it through no problem. (At 35 weeks, it was probably some sort of freak problem, right?) Both of us!