Not strong enough to be a mama

[judecorp]

A baby from my mom and baby group that I used to attend died about a week and a half ago. He had a heart condition and had a couple of heart surgeries and for the last month or two was at Children's Hospital in Boston and was doing so well that he was released on December 14th. He spent a day or two at home and then ended up in the local hospital PICU shortly after and died on December 17th.

I can't even imagine. It just... hurts.

A mama from my LJ due date community lost her baby after just a few short weeks on the outside - a SIDS death, I'd imagine. And I still can't come to grips with that, either. Or how she gets up every morning.

And I think about sweet baby Charlie, and about how his little sister talks about him "sleeping in Jesus's arms," and... well... I break a little bit every time.

I just don't understand why these precious little people would be sent down for such a short time. I know there are lessons to be learned in every experience, but I don't understand why there has to be so much pain. It breaks a mama's heart.

It never occurred to me, when S would talk about Baby H and his heart troubles in the group, and his impending surgery in Boston, that he might die. It was just not there, not an option, didn't enter my mind.

Sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to be a mama.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am not that good at death, really, and death of a young person always upsets me. But an infant or small child? That's beyond upset. How anyone ever moves past it, even a little, is beyond me. I feel like I would spend the rest of my life in bed or something.

And I agree with you about the powerlessness. It just seems so cruel.

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean - most of the time I can't even let myself go there - it's too overwhelming to think about the potential for pain and loss. You know?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I need to sort of shut that part of my brain off, too. But I wonder if a day will come when I don't worry about her when she is sleeping?

[evewasframed.livejournal.com]

I can't go there either because the idea of it is just too painful. You are strong enough to be a mother! It's only human to be devastated by hearing about the loss of an infant.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's just awful. I thought it was awful before I had a baby, but now it seems like 40 more shades of awful.

Ugh.

[amyura.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I go through this every day. I remember when Julia hit six months, the relief I felt knowing her risk of SIDS dropped dramatically, and again when she hit a year. But it NEVER goes away. We let her climb all over everything because I believe it builds her self-confidence and aids physical development, but I'm always worried that she'll fall and it'll be my fault for allowing her as much freedom as I do.

I can't remember it word for word, but there's a quote somewhere about how being a mother is having a huge piece of your heart now walking around on the outside.

I'll be praying for all of them, and for your family.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I have a major countdown to six months going. A week to go. I can't even believe it. Less than a week, actually, but whatever. Six months. And then I get to count down to a year. And then? I'll just find something else to worry about, I'm sure.

I led playgroups in a special needs preschool, for god's sake, and my 1.5-3 year olds were everywhere doing everything. I was so chill about it. But will I be chill with my own kid? Ugh, I can't even imagine. Playgrounds are scary!!

[lelumama.livejournal.com]

I can't think about such things. I refuse to read news stories and I send my sympathies, but don't get involved or ask questions when I hear of an acquaintance/friend who is going through this. I get cold and I shut down. If I spend any sort of time considering the possibilities and odds of my children outliving me, I then start to visualize my children dying and how they would look if they died and how they would die and I just lose my shit. I can't. I wake up sobbing from nightmares. The visualizations get stuck in my head for weeks. I cannot go there.

Love to you and those you know who have experienced such an awful heartbreak. I can't fathom it.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I totally have to stop going there after a point because it's just maddening. And then if I don't end up worrying and feeling awful, I end up with survivor guilt for having a healthy baby. But the awful stories just keep piling up. My good friend's niece is young (like 2?) and has a brain tumor and had big scary brain surgery. And then there's FC's daughter. And on and on. So scary.

Sometimes I never want to leave my house.

[antiopa.livejournal.com]

This is part of why I let my membership to FF lapse. With so many women on that site, there's sort of a critical mass - you will hear every horror story possible. And I just couldn't take it.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't really deal with FF much because their rules now are ridiculous (mostly I hang and support my buds who are still TTC), and I haven't run into (thank goodness) too much sadness on the forums except when I was just pregnant and in prime miscarriage land and people were dropping like flies (ugh).

Sadly, all of the tragedy I've run into lately has been in "real life." I wish I could let that lapse sometimes...

[rexlezard.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to be a mama.

Not at all. You are totally strong enough, because you're still ticking. ::hugs::

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, thanks for the vote of confidence!

(So when are we going to play?)

[marshmelococoa.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

you are strong enough. I don't know how I'd cope either. But I am thankful every day that my children are healthy and those options don't have to come to my mind either. Some day we'll all face that, I just hope for most it's not for a very long time.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Your children are healthy and GORGEOUS. Seriously, you have some gorgeous kids.

I just want to hug my little baby for a million years.

[marshmelococoa.livejournal.com]

Thank you. However, I have my own set of challenges and things to deal with. There are always things. But we make the best with what we can.

But I just cannot imagine a loss. no way.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I hear you.

[skatured.livejournal.com]

I just think that I couldn't possibly do it again -- so yeah I know what you mean.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah. I don't know how I would even go about trying to have another baby. I don't think I could do it. Kudos to anyone who does. Seriously.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

Losing a child is terrible. We lost two of my cousins growing up -- one just before her fourth birthday to a car accident, one to cancer when he was in his late teens/early twenties. It was a lot of pain for their parents, though they are all long past the worst of it. I don't mean to minimize it, because it was terrible, but they did work their way through somehow. Both sets had other children to care for, and I am sure that is a big part of it.

I can only imagine how terrible it would be to lose a baby. I'll keep both families in my prayers.

But Jude, I believe you are strong enough to be a Mama. And part of your beautiful little girl will be with you always, no matter what.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I didn't know too many kids who died. When I was young, maybe 5th grade? One of my mom's neighbors was hit by a car and died. I think she was in the 7th grade. It was awful. And later, when I was maybe 12 or 13, an acquaintance of mine (adult acquaintance) lost her 4 or 5 year old to a car accident as well. Crap, now I never want to go near a car.

I know that somehow people persevere and move on, and I think that the reality is that I would too, somehow... but I can't even imagine it. It's like I start thinking in that direction and a big flashing sign comes down that says, "THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE."

[stapynam.livejournal.com]

*shudders*

can't even go there in my head...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You and me both, my friend.

[shadist.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It's a hard thing.


I never once thought about being strong, I just thought of being strong enough to help my ex-wife.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I suppose there is something to be said for that. Strong enough.

[shadist.livejournal.com]

I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[loretta78.livejournal.com]

I had Aiden for nearly a year, from the time that he was conceived until the day that he left us so suddenly. I learned a lot, in that year. I learned that you get out of life what you put in, that the greatest joys are found in the smallest, every day thing like smiles and firsts. That even things like morning sickness, excruciating back pain, the inability to be comfortable in your own skin, the incessant need to pee just 30 seconds after you've already gone... they all teach you something. I've learned that life has to be lived in moments and breaths sometimes. That you can never take enough pictures of your little one, even if only to be used for blackmail purposes in 20 or so years time ;) I've learned that the hardest part of death and grieving for the loss of a child is perhaps the hardest thing to struggle through, especially when you have to keep it together for the sake of others. And I've learned that it's ok to break down and cry for no reason, that staying in bed until 4 pm having your own temper tantrum because life just SUCKS ASS is ok sometimes too. My Aiden he shows me so much every day. Sometimes his lessons aren't learned right when he means them too. But some day his hard headed and stubborn mamma will get the hint :)

I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of another little one that's a part of your life. We never really understand I don't think how fragile life can be, in an instant. Hug that li'l punk of yours. Kisses on the forehead work too. And just love. Some days you don't have the strength to be a mamma, and that's ok. Because you'll always have love.

*hugz*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That's all very sweet of you. Thank you for weighing in. I think about you guys a lot. Like, a lot a lot, and not in that weird stalkery sense, either. I just see you carrying through with grace, just like I see the other mama I mentioned, Charlie's mama. (Baby H's mama... well, I haven't talked to her yet. I am thinking of sending her a card. But I bet she is living with grace as well.)

You are so strong and so amazing, even if you do stay in bed until 4pm having a temper tantrum. Because dammit, you totally deserve to be able to have those moments, to not have to be strong for anyone. Hopefully the world around you is being strong for you.

Many hugs to you.

[loretta78.livejournal.com]

I wish that it was as easy and as graceful being strong and amazing, but a lot of the time it's just absolute misery and absolute lack of dignity. I hate life, a lot of the time. I remember what it was like, to hold Aiden and think everything every other mamma feels... the I don't know what I'd do if's... I took it for granted and it makes me angry. My standing mission in life right now is to make more parents take more pictures and to tell their li'l ones that they love them. Even one more picture, one more I love you. It's all worth it. Because you really don't know what you have until it's gone. Or up for grabs.

*shakes head*

Sorry hun. Some days I really don't know how to keep it together :( It does make me smile to see Punk. Mark even thought she lived up to her nick in those last pics you posted :D And he NEVER has an opinion, lol.

[shadist.livejournal.com]

Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, thanks Mark! She works very hard on being a little Punk - you should have seen her beat up my brother while we were visiting! (Baby attacks = very deadly.)

I'm sure there is a lot that I/we don't see, the alone times, the stuff that isn't "fit to print." But just the fact that you and Mark are trying again to make a sibling for Aiden says a lot about the two of you, I think - the sort of hope for the future that some people (maybe me?) would have lost along the way. I really hope you guys are successful really soon.

I am so glad that y'all had taken some videos of A. We just got a video camera (hasn't arrived yet, actually) and I need to get on that, pronto. What if someday I don't remember what she looks like when she is chewing on everything?

I wonder sometimes about my little fetus we lost around 10w. I wonder about its sex, what it would grow up to be, etc. I thought that was hard. But then I imagine getting a chance to play with him/her on the outside, and then losing that... it just seems so much worse.

[loretta78.livejournal.com]

I actually found a very short video of Aiden a week or so ago, one I had forgotten I'd taken. It was just him, wedged between the cushions on our old couch, just sleeping peacefully. All you could see is just his chest moving up and down, breathing. It was hard to watch, but there's something about it that brings me comfort. I don't know why. Videos are great. I sometimes think that I'll forget things about Aiden that I never want to. And I definitely know that our next child is going to have a complex because we'll inundate them with stories about their older brother!! I'm glad you got a video camera. Also good for blackmail purposes ;)

I think no matter how or when you lose a child, it's really tough. Aiden was my first pregnancy, so I don't know what it's like to have lost a fetus. I can't imagine it's any easier to deal with either. All the wondering about a life that could have once been. I like to think silly things sometimes, that Aiden's spirit was reborn somehow into another little baby the day that he died. That he's out there, still, somewhere, making people smile. :)

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me to go there to and my heart breaks even more when I hear of a child's death since becoming a mother.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Totally. Like it was bad enough before but it's even worse now. It kills me.

[violane.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I wish I could control how much I love Benny, but I can't. It almost makes me wish I hadn't met him for fear of how I would cope if anything ever happened to him. It's a cliche because a child's death is always horrible but I didn't really understand it until I was a parent. I'm sorry to hear about your friends' babies.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's weird how all of a sudden you can love someone so much, isn't it? Like there are days that are really frustrating or difficult, but it's still there, right under the surface. And while it often manifests in something beautiful, I .hate. that sometimes it manifests itself in the constant worry.

HUG.

[yip95.livejournal.com]

We were just talking about how we wished that Z's allergies (with potential for anaphylaxis) conferred him immunity to any other dangerous disease/thingamabob. Like, "oh, you have life-threatening allergies? Okay, no leukemia for you!"
Then at least we'd know what to be afraid of, and how to minimize the risks.
But no. Instead we just have to figure out how to love him til it hurts and live with the fact that we *could* lose him.

None of us feel like we're strong enough, but we totally are.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

TOTALLY. I wish you could get some sort of magic insurance card that you just wave whenever something scary comes around. Although lots of other mamas would be trying to steal it all the time.

Was Z a Preemie? Do they know why he has so many heinous allergies?

You guys are amazing!

[yip95.livejournal.com]

There's no "reason" for his allergies. Some people just have 'em. There has been about a 400% rise in food allergies in the past 10 years. There are theories that postulate that our society's obsession with "anti-bacterial" crap is making our immune systems bored and so they attack otherwise innocuous things (like food). Also, since people are eating a lot of crap food, there are more digestive issues and possibly digestive issues in a mom can lead to allergies in the baby. Who the hell knows?

There's also a high likelihood that he'll outgrow some of his allergies (and a very low likelihood that he'll outgrow the others)...so perhaps he'll just be a normally-allergic kid instead of insane-allergy-boy. One can only hope?

[oddharmonic.livejournal.com]

You just keep going.

That's a vast oversimplification, but that's it in a nutshell.

Sometimes I think Mom coped better with my first little brother's death than Dad, but it's one of those things I'll never know. (He died at 6 weeks of multiple cerebral hemorrhaging. I personally suspect possible HHT but research on that is mostly very recent relative to his death in 1982.)