Judecorp.

I've been pretty in my head lately about basically everything because really, if you get down to it, things kind of suck right now. It sucks in my head, too, but then I just go read more ridiculous vampire fiction.

My grandfather saw the doctor and was told basically to stop worrying about eating right or about cholesterol or his diabetes and just enjoy himself. Which of course is a pretty bad sign of things to come, and I'm sure he's really freaked about it but I haven't talked to him. I talked to him right before he went to the doctor, and I'm planning to go see him this weekend sometime. I want to take Punk down and I want to take some pictures of them together but he hasn't been getting dressed lately and I know he would not want me to take his picture in his pajamas/robe. So hopefully he will be dressed.

All of this grandfather business makes me think about my childhood and how valuable it was to grow up with family around. When my mother left, we were able to be with my father mostly because my grandparents lived next door. But my great uncle also lived next door (the other way) and my aunt and uncle didn't live far, and my mother was nearish and so was her mother. So even though we were a small family, there was always someone to help out or pitch in or whatever. And I don't have that for my daughter, not even a little bit, and it is going to get progressively worse.

My daughter has no local grandparents, and one of her grandparents is already dead. She has no local aunts or uncles, and her aunts/uncles who are closest (in NJ) - Jen's brothers - have hardly seen her. One has seen her once and the other twice, both times before she was a year old. She has seen Jen's parents a handful of times, and my mother twice. She has seen my grandparents several times, recognizes them and calls them by name, but she won't have my grandfather for much longer and my grandmother is no longer young and spry enough to do any special grandmother/granddaughter things like she did with me. My aunt and uncle are an hour away and they do enjoy seeing her, but it is infrequent and right now everything is so busy and crazy with my grandparents anyway.

I never intended to have a child who was raised in a little insular unit. I want her (and any future children) to have family at the ready, for special outings with grandparents or aunt/uncle, little dates with this family member or that one, and just plain more support and love to go around. I don't want my children's family to exist only in photo albums.

My aunt and uncle have already said that when my grandparents die, they are going to move south to get away from the cold/snow. My brother, mother, and maternal grandmother already live in the south. Jen's parents live in the south. We never see her brothers or her brother's kids. We are going to be up here in Massachusetts - which I love - and we are going to have no one. No little village in which to raise our kids.

As much as I never, ever, ever want to live in the south (except for the weather!), I don't want my kids to grow up without family. And I'm probably totally mental and not in my right mind but I kind of want to have as many kids as we're going to have pronto, legalize them all up with adoptions or whatnot since we actually CAN here in this civilised Commonwealth, and then move south to be near family. Next to my mom/brother or next to Jen's parents, I'm not sure I have a preference, but I want it to happen. And soon. I must be nuts.

What sucks is that Jen finally has a job she likes. My career is pretty portable but I know she lucked out with her job and of course I don't want to screw with that. But I want my daughter to have shopping trips with a grandmother and have family members to take her on special trips to the zoo/movies/buy her tickets to the Nutcracker/whatever. To me this is about providing what I think is best for my children. And being with family is best.

Yesterday, my grandmother told me, "Don't get old." It made me sad. Not only because of course if I am lucky I /will/ get old someday, but also because it shows just how bummed my grandmother is with things as they stand right now. She and my grandfather enjoyed good health far longer than a lot of other people get to, and while I don't think they took/take it for granted, I do think it hits a little harder now that things are tougher. She is 86 years old and this is the first time in all of her life that she hasn't wanted to leave the house and hasn't done her own laundry.

I'm serious. Even when she had foot surgery she was usually back downstairs doing laundry in a matter of days. It's a matter of pride with my grandmother - perfectly washed clothes, hung to dry on the lines outside, errorlessly pressed. Now my aunt is doing my grandparents' laundry and their house is messier than I have ever seen it. It's a little hard to watch.

She also told me that when she was feeling really REALLY sick (when she went into the hospital before Christmas) and she was riding in the ambulance to the emergency room, she told the EMT that she wanted to die. She also apparently called to my father and told him to "come get your mother."

I realize in my head that my grandparents will not live forever, but I really don't like these sorts of reminders in my heart. With my brother and SIL in South Carolina, my grandparents are pretty much all of my "core people"up in here. My aunt and uncle are here, and I love them very much, but we are not nearly as close. Besides, I know that they are planning to relocate to a warmer location once my grandparents are dead.

It's funny, because we came here to New England so we would be closer to family. Then my mother moved to South Carolina, my great-uncle died, my father died, Jen's parents moved to Florida, and now my grandparents are slowing down. Ouch.

1. My grandmother was admitted into the hospital yesterday. She was with my grandfather and was headed to get her new hearing aids (FINALLY, the ones she had were giving awful feedback) and she wasn't feeling well and didn't feel like she could get out of the car. They called the ambulance and she was taken to the ER. They ruled out heart attack and stroke stuff, which is awesome, but she was ridiculously dehydrated. They put a bazillion bags of fluid into her and she was feeling better, but was going for a kidney ultrasound this morning. It's hard to get accurate information from her because she isn't wearing her (feedback-y) hearing aids, so phone conversations are challenging. My grandfather said something about the medication she was taking for a major arthritis attack she had been having (prednisone, maybe some other stuff) was affecting her kidneys and causing them not to work properly. God, I hope it's nothing permanent. They were thinking she might be released today. I am going to call later.

2. Punk and I are having a very social day today. We went for a walk with rexlezard this morning; he was home because he got rear-ended this morning and was shaken up. Also, Punk's friend Moey and his daddy, Jason, are en route and will hang out for a bit. Then tonight I am supposed to hang with a former coworker.

3. Speaking of the walk this morning, I hereby SUCK at being a winter mama. I don't really get very cold and Punk and I were going to hang briefly at the dog park with Andy and his dog, so it didn't occur to me to really bundle her up. In fact, I actually debated whether or not to put on her heavy winter coat (but then finally did). Her trunk and head were nice and warm (she had a hat, too) but she was whiny and clingy which I attributed to hunger. But maybe she was cold! I didn't think to put on a layer under her jeans and she was only wearing thin little socks. When I went to put her down for her nap, her feet were like ice cubes. Poor little punkin! I guess I need to be better about bundling her up. Whoops.

4. I can't believe we're already almost a full week into Advent and Christmas is right around the corner. I have started to put up some decorations and I think we will get a tree this weekend (there is a small tree farm right down the road). Our church put together an Advent devotional this year that I am really enjoying. I can't wait until Punk is old enough to dig the spiritual preparations, too.

5. I love our church. I can't even say that enough. I just love it there. The people are so awesome and everyone is so nice and I am so pleased. It is exactly the kind of place I was hoping to bring Punk up in. She gets so excited to go down into the children's play room and is so comfortable there. I just love going and I love being a part of it all. There is a christmas dinner and tree-trimming thing tomorrow and I am excited. It is nice to be a church dork again.

6. I can't find last year's holiday cards yet (they are in the basement somewhere) so I haven't been able to get started on addressing this years cards. Argh! I was hoping to be done by now!!