A bedtime story.
May. 12th, 2002 02:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI want to tell a story about two girls. These two girls were friends for a long time, but in the middle, they lost touch. They got back in touch and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to both of them, because things were going on in their lives and they were each other's best sounding board. In the process of getting back in touch, they got crushes on each other. Then they saw each other again.
That first encounter was like a scene from a movie. When they kissed, it was like the world had shut down for everyone but them, that all of the universe's cosmic energy was directed into their emotions. Hearts accelerated, breaths caught. It was intense. They fell in love.
Time passed, and as they grew closer together, issues began springing up. With trust came vulnerability, and soon both were open and exposed. Somehow, this proved to be a deadly combination. Vulnerability made one clingy and the other standoffish. So one got clingier and the other pushed further away. She was starting to feel overwhelming pressure because the other girl was grasping at straws while her world was changing. The problem was that the first girl's world was changing, too, so neither of them had solid ground to stand on.
Right now, neither of them knows what to do. But this one girl, she's scared to see the other girl again. She's afraid that two weeks of arguments from afar will turn into hostility and regret in person. She's afraid that they won't even be friends anymore. She's afraid that her usual pattern will happen again.
But part of her is afraid, too, that none of those things will happen, that when she sees the other girl, she will fall dizzily in love again and once again not know what to do with herself. The issue, you see, is that this girl needs to decide where to live, and entwined in this decision is what to do about the relationship. If she stays where she is, the relationship must end. If she moves, the relationship can continue. That's a really loaded decision.
So right now, the two girls, while they care about each other very much, can't really even talk to each other without incident. And one of the girls is a touch tipsy and wants to kiss the other. And that's bad. Because that loads the decision again.
The two girls decided that the second girl shouldn't come visit, because it was safer. But while the first girl was out, the second girl emailed her and said she was coming again afterall. The first girl, the one who is tipsy, is at a complete and total loss. Several people, and by this I mean every single person she's talked to, have told her that this is a terrible idea, that it shouldn't happen. Some have even suggested being outright mean.
The first girl thinks the second girl has a lot going on in her life, and she wants to give her the space necessary to deal with things. She knows that the second girl won't really be able to concentrate on herself if she's got this other girl and a relationship to worry about. The first girl, see, she wants the best for the second girl. If she could, she would move the moon and stars for her. All she would have to do is ask.
Let's pretend this is an Encyclopedia Brown mystery story. What should the first girl do?
That first encounter was like a scene from a movie. When they kissed, it was like the world had shut down for everyone but them, that all of the universe's cosmic energy was directed into their emotions. Hearts accelerated, breaths caught. It was intense. They fell in love.
Time passed, and as they grew closer together, issues began springing up. With trust came vulnerability, and soon both were open and exposed. Somehow, this proved to be a deadly combination. Vulnerability made one clingy and the other standoffish. So one got clingier and the other pushed further away. She was starting to feel overwhelming pressure because the other girl was grasping at straws while her world was changing. The problem was that the first girl's world was changing, too, so neither of them had solid ground to stand on.
Right now, neither of them knows what to do. But this one girl, she's scared to see the other girl again. She's afraid that two weeks of arguments from afar will turn into hostility and regret in person. She's afraid that they won't even be friends anymore. She's afraid that her usual pattern will happen again.
But part of her is afraid, too, that none of those things will happen, that when she sees the other girl, she will fall dizzily in love again and once again not know what to do with herself. The issue, you see, is that this girl needs to decide where to live, and entwined in this decision is what to do about the relationship. If she stays where she is, the relationship must end. If she moves, the relationship can continue. That's a really loaded decision.
So right now, the two girls, while they care about each other very much, can't really even talk to each other without incident. And one of the girls is a touch tipsy and wants to kiss the other. And that's bad. Because that loads the decision again.
The two girls decided that the second girl shouldn't come visit, because it was safer. But while the first girl was out, the second girl emailed her and said she was coming again afterall. The first girl, the one who is tipsy, is at a complete and total loss. Several people, and by this I mean every single person she's talked to, have told her that this is a terrible idea, that it shouldn't happen. Some have even suggested being outright mean.
The first girl thinks the second girl has a lot going on in her life, and she wants to give her the space necessary to deal with things. She knows that the second girl won't really be able to concentrate on herself if she's got this other girl and a relationship to worry about. The first girl, see, she wants the best for the second girl. If she could, she would move the moon and stars for her. All she would have to do is ask.
Let's pretend this is an Encyclopedia Brown mystery story. What should the first girl do?
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no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 12:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 12:20 am (UTC)la la la
NEXT TIME, I'LL LISTEN TO MY HEART
NEXT TIME, I'LL BE SMART...
lalalal .. the ramones can answer everything.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 04:17 am (UTC)oh god, it hurts to even fucking think about!
man, if there's any fucking system of justice or whatever in this fucked up world, ryan is right! just llisten to your heart, man!!
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 05:20 am (UTC)I've told you how I acted, six months ago, and how much I've regretted it since.
You didn't seem to want to listen. You kept coming up with 'Yeah buts."
But I should have moved. Every fibre of me knows that. You need to move, right now, anyways, at least out of your current living arrangement. Why not do what I'm doing? I'm sticking 90% of what I own in storage, and subletting for a month and a half, while I look for work, try and find an affordable apartment, etc. Go. See for the summer. If it's really bad, go back to Columbus. If it's good, go get your stuff. If you find your heart, stay.
no subject
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 07:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 07:58 am (UTC)or ask A. to cat sit for a few months while you feel Boston out.
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Date: 2002-05-12 02:08 pm (UTC)Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 08:11 am (UTC)I don't know everything about the situation. But my strongest intuition is that you love this girl very deeply, and she feels the same about you.
*hug*
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Date: 2002-05-12 11:51 am (UTC)Let me know what you do on Fridays and I will work some sort of magic, perhaps. I will email you ASAP.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 01:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 02:03 pm (UTC)I emailed back. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 10:58 am (UTC)My advice to both of them is the same: If it is meant to be, it WILL be. Through hell, high water, and separations of many more miles. If it doesn't last IT WAS NOT MEANT TO.
I know these things because I have been through hell, high water, broken trust, and 6,000 miles. And it is. I have also been through hell, high water, a jillion arguments and 1,100 miles. And that one was not. And is not. And I have no regrets, although I did not know at the time that I would not.
If you choose the relationship over yourself, you will lose yourself to the relationship. If you choose yourself, you will add yourself to the relationship.
It *IS* that easy, even if it seems so hard.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 11:05 am (UTC)I've been there too, ma chere. Unless it hurts too much to stay away, away is the better place to be. When you find you can no longer breathe, you can move then.
No decision at this stage is permanent. But the consequences range.
You want to give your girl a *whole* girl, don't you? One who is ready to love. One who is confident and secure, who can say "yes" without EVER looking back. (OK maybe career wise, we all do that but not *life*wise). One who can give AND receive.
Your girl wants you to be a whole girl, and she knows that she can't make you one by herself. You have to put all of your pieces back together.
Giving your girl anyone less than the best is cheating her out of what she deserves.
I asked her months ago if you were worth /waiting/ for. She said yes, unequivocally yes.
Take her up on it.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 04:41 pm (UTC)The question here is: would the first girl be moving only to be with the second girl, or would she be moving because that is the best thing for /her/ to do? No one should ever re-arrange their life for anyone else, because that breeds resentment. To be happy, I think that either both girls should move to a new place, to start a life together, or neither should move. Long distance relationships can work - life does not end because there are miles separating people who are meant to be together. With time, all things work out. But if either of the girls thinks that because distance separates them, they cannot be together - then I don't think it's going to work out anyway.
Don't run from a good thing if you're only running because you're afraid. A relationship is about confronting that fear, and trusting your partner to see you through it. Everybody gets afraid. Nobody really likes change. But sometimes it's change that makes you stronger, and leads you to what will eventually make you whole.
None of the above advice points towards a clear solution. I can't tell you what to do. But read what I've written and if any of it speaks to you, I hope it will help you figure out what you need to do. I love ya.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-12 09:17 pm (UTC)SMOOCH.
p.s. I would never ever (again) move for a relationship.
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Date: 2002-05-13 07:52 am (UTC)A gay relationship in an Encyclopedia Brown book... now THAT is something to think about! :-)
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Date: 2002-05-13 08:00 am (UTC)It would all be that Bugs Meanie's fault, of course. :)