No more ring dent.
Aug. 14th, 2001 03:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI noticed this the other day, but then promptly forgot about it, and noticed it again on the way to the library. It seemed worth mentioning: The dent around my left ring finger is now completely gone.
It fit well, but being a thick sort of ring (and since I have thick fingers), it always squished the skin up under it, especially in the summer, what with the heat and humidity. There was always wrinkly soft skin on the back of that finger, and you could often see a tiny little dent.
That dent is gone now.
That's rather symbolic to me. A lot of the things that I have done (or have happened) in the past month have been particularly visually poignant. But the missing dent comes at a crucial time. Baga and I were discussing whether I was going to try to work things out with A. My immediate response was, "For a little while, I wanted to, but that's over and now I'm done."
That breaks my heart in some ways, like the sight of my hand without my beautiful wedding ring (interlocking oak leaves, for endurance, sigh). But in other ways, it is very liberating. I have grown so much in one month's time, and I know that the growth comes from finding myself as an individual again. In the past almost-six years I have grown less and less sure of myself. This past month, I have felt more attractive than ever - and I think it shows. People all around me are paying a lot more attention to me (and I don't just mean you, Former Noog). Yesterday in R&E, a girl (Stacy) in my class that I only know on an acquaintance level, upon finding out that my relationship was breaking up, said, 'Good. You seem different.'
I am different. The little dent around my left ring finger is gone. The wedding pictures are being removed around the apartment. I have a neat little bedroom with my toys and my things and my dreams and the NYC Subway map and a rubbing of a monolith that Wiggy made for me and a photo of my old crew team. I have plans, and for the first time in a long time, they are entirely mine.
The little dent around my finger is gone. And my hands are stronger because of it.
ObJ: Thank you again for your beautiful apology.
ObK: And thank you for listening all weekend.
ObM: And thank you for everything you do and everything you are.
It fit well, but being a thick sort of ring (and since I have thick fingers), it always squished the skin up under it, especially in the summer, what with the heat and humidity. There was always wrinkly soft skin on the back of that finger, and you could often see a tiny little dent.
That dent is gone now.
That's rather symbolic to me. A lot of the things that I have done (or have happened) in the past month have been particularly visually poignant. But the missing dent comes at a crucial time. Baga and I were discussing whether I was going to try to work things out with A. My immediate response was, "For a little while, I wanted to, but that's over and now I'm done."
That breaks my heart in some ways, like the sight of my hand without my beautiful wedding ring (interlocking oak leaves, for endurance, sigh). But in other ways, it is very liberating. I have grown so much in one month's time, and I know that the growth comes from finding myself as an individual again. In the past almost-six years I have grown less and less sure of myself. This past month, I have felt more attractive than ever - and I think it shows. People all around me are paying a lot more attention to me (and I don't just mean you, Former Noog). Yesterday in R&E, a girl (Stacy) in my class that I only know on an acquaintance level, upon finding out that my relationship was breaking up, said, 'Good. You seem different.'
I am different. The little dent around my left ring finger is gone. The wedding pictures are being removed around the apartment. I have a neat little bedroom with my toys and my things and my dreams and the NYC Subway map and a rubbing of a monolith that Wiggy made for me and a photo of my old crew team. I have plans, and for the first time in a long time, they are entirely mine.
The little dent around my finger is gone. And my hands are stronger because of it.
ObJ: Thank you again for your beautiful apology.
ObK: And thank you for listening all weekend.
ObM: And thank you for everything you do and everything you are.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 03:34 pm (UTC)Not that I don't like them (well no, I hate my engagement ring, but it does look sooo cool with my wedding ring). Not that I don't like my husband.
But rings and crutches don't mix.
My rings can be seen here. It is the coolest wedding ring in the world, because I designed it myself.
Anyway, I will send you a ring that you can wear, my lovah. Just tell me what ring size! We have all kinds of super groovy rings here. You can have a juliann-dent on your finger!
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 03:45 pm (UTC)But I'm not a big fan of jewelry (except for piercing-type jewelry), and it's really very cool to not have any wedding rings. Specially since they're gold and I'm a silver sort of girl.
A Juliann-dent, hmm? Dent me, baby, dent me. (But for the love of god, pay your debts first!)
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 03:51 pm (UTC)No way! Friends are for now. Debts are for like, when I am old. If my US debts weren't so bitchy about doing currency conversions I'd pay my debts a lot faster. I am just too damned lazy to go to the bank, wire money from one account to another, then write checks, get international stamps, and send them. Bah on them! (My UK debts get paid on time every month!)
7.5, 8. OK that's like t. I will get you something! (really, I promise they are cheap. No guilt! but there is this coolio place called Past Times that has great rings cheap! You can wear it on your right hand my lovah!)
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 05:19 pm (UTC)Thank you for this. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my duties and my responsibilities that I forget.
Thank you thank you thank you.
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 03:34 pm (UTC)Seriously, though, I'm glad you feel so liberated and free. I understand what you're going through, even if it's on a smaller scale... the whole time I was dating my ex (not a healthy relationship), she gave me a ring to wear on my right index finger. And I grew to hate the dent on my finger when I took the ring off to take a shower, and the weird, smooth texture of my skin, as if my hand didn't even belong to me anymore. It felt so free after the breakup, when I threw that ring away and I started to feel like my own person again.
Anyway, my point is, it's really great to see you at a point in your life where you're so happy and so unabashedly yourself, and I'm glad I got to be here to witness it. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 03:47 pm (UTC)Rings are like little manacles. Fingeracles? Hee. I dunno. Every so often, still, my thumb goes to the place there and I get a little anxiety, wondering where it is, where I lost it.
And then I remember that it's where I put it away, and it's safe, and it's fine - it's just not a part of me anymore.
Someday, maybe I'll stop checking for it with my thumb.
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 03:59 pm (UTC)I actually found myself feeling for the ring earlier today... and I've been broken up with this person for four months. Old habits die hard, I guess. But soon, it will stop being a part of you, and you'll have completely moved on. ^_^
By the way, that is the cutest userpic! Is that really you?
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 05:21 pm (UTC)(You can't really tell, but the iron-on on my sweatshirt is Star Wars, it's an X-Wing Fighter - I think that's what they're called - and I'd inherited that shirt from my big brother. I was so 80s boy chic.)
Maybe we never stop thumbing our rings. Maybe that's how we remember to continue growing.
p.s. I like the idea of the Chinese fingertraps. :) I should send you one just 'cause.
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 10:35 pm (UTC)You may have a point there. I thought I thumbed my ring because I still hadn't come to terms with the fact that it wasn't there; maybe we do it to assure ourselves that it is truly, finally gone.
And I'll be sure to send those handcuffs to you
and use them someday...no subject
Date: 2001-08-15 07:38 am (UTC)But I think that's true - I think sometimes a little reminder of who we are and where we've come from is important.
I will trap your little fingers
and then you will put your little fingers in my trap.no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 04:06 pm (UTC)So. What is an Ob?
no subject
Date: 2001-08-14 05:24 pm (UTC)'Ob' stands for 'Obligatory.' It's to keep true to the purpose of this journal even when I go off on other insignificant things (like my life).
The purpose of this journal is to pass out random bits of love. The recipients of today's burst of love know who they are (I hope).
If I were to write one for you, see, I would likely do this:
ObR: I love you!
(with the letters standing for 'Obligatory Rhyse message') Got it?
Always Learning
Date: 2001-08-15 12:48 pm (UTC)That pic is just *so* cute of you! Makes me wish you were in my class during that age so we could
swamp pantiesbe best buddies!*lifts a brow at myself and runs away blushing.*
Re: Always Learning
Date: 2001-08-15 03:18 pm (UTC)And there's so much more I could teach you.You are adorable, yourself. But that is you in 1975, and I didn't even EXIST until October 1975!
Re: Always Learning
Date: 2001-08-15 03:21 pm (UTC)I just discovered something. I'm always around people younger than I. Must be because I got held back a year. Just a year. Naaah.. must be I'm young at heart!!
Re: Always Learning
Date: 2001-08-15 03:48 pm (UTC)YEAH RIGHT! :)