No more ring dent.

[judecorp]

I noticed this the other day, but then promptly forgot about it, and noticed it again on the way to the library. It seemed worth mentioning: The dent around my left ring finger is now completely gone.

It fit well, but being a thick sort of ring (and since I have thick fingers), it always squished the skin up under it, especially in the summer, what with the heat and humidity. There was always wrinkly soft skin on the back of that finger, and you could often see a tiny little dent.

That dent is gone now.

That's rather symbolic to me. A lot of the things that I have done (or have happened) in the past month have been particularly visually poignant. But the missing dent comes at a crucial time. Baga and I were discussing whether I was going to try to work things out with A. My immediate response was, "For a little while, I wanted to, but that's over and now I'm done."

That breaks my heart in some ways, like the sight of my hand without my beautiful wedding ring (interlocking oak leaves, for endurance, sigh). But in other ways, it is very liberating. I have grown so much in one month's time, and I know that the growth comes from finding myself as an individual again. In the past almost-six years I have grown less and less sure of myself. This past month, I have felt more attractive than ever - and I think it shows. People all around me are paying a lot more attention to me (and I don't just mean you, Former Noog). Yesterday in R&E, a girl (Stacy) in my class that I only know on an acquaintance level, upon finding out that my relationship was breaking up, said, 'Good. You seem different.'

I am different. The little dent around my left ring finger is gone. The wedding pictures are being removed around the apartment. I have a neat little bedroom with my toys and my things and my dreams and the NYC Subway map and a rubbing of a monolith that Wiggy made for me and a photo of my old crew team. I have plans, and for the first time in a long time, they are entirely mine.

The little dent around my finger is gone. And my hands are stronger because of it.

ObJ: Thank you again for your beautiful apology.
ObK: And thank you for listening all weekend.
ObM: And thank you for everything you do and everything you are.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. Thank you muchly.

Rings are like little manacles. Fingeracles? Hee. I dunno. Every so often, still, my thumb goes to the place there and I get a little anxiety, wondering where it is, where I lost it.

And then I remember that it's where I put it away, and it's safe, and it's fine - it's just not a part of me anymore.

Someday, maybe I'll stop checking for it with my thumb.

[noog.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Forget rings. Perhaps we should just give our spouses Chinese finger traps for out weddings, commitment ceremonies, etc. Or little tiny handcuffs meant for your fingers. Yeah, that's it. Handcuffs.

I actually found myself feeling for the ring earlier today... and I've been broken up with this person for four months. Old habits die hard, I guess. But soon, it will stop being a part of you, and you'll have completely moved on. ^_^

By the way, that is the cutest userpic! Is that really you?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It is me, yes. Circa age 5.

(You can't really tell, but the iron-on on my sweatshirt is Star Wars, it's an X-Wing Fighter - I think that's what they're called - and I'd inherited that shirt from my big brother. I was so 80s boy chic.)

Maybe we never stop thumbing our rings. Maybe that's how we remember to continue growing.

p.s. I like the idea of the Chinese fingertraps. :) I should send you one just 'cause.

[noog.livejournal.com]

You know... you dressed better then than I do now. *laugh*

You may have a point there. I thought I thumbed my ring because I still hadn't come to terms with the fact that it wasn't there; maybe we do it to assure ourselves that it is truly, finally gone.

And I'll be sure to send those handcuffs to you and use them someday...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Hell, I dressed better then than *I* do now. I'm all girlygirl'd out for work - ugh.

But I think that's true - I think sometimes a little reminder of who we are and where we've come from is important.

I will trap your little fingers and then you will put your little fingers in my trap.