Sometimes I don't know what I prefer to be.

[judecorp]

Well, that was interesting. I'll keep this brief, because I don't want to be to sort of person who just dumps and dumps and dumps her heart out in LJs. But I suppose I need to say /something/.

A., the spouse, is a classic avoider. He won't talk about something unpleasant unless you make him. This has been a constant struggle between us, as I am a talker. I don't like having to push and push and push and push for information I should be privvy to, like the condition of his ailing father, like his feelings for me. You know, little things like that.

Today, with much coaxing, I got him to basically admit that he's not in love with me anymore. I knew it was the truth, but still, it feels a little funny having it out in the open. He seemed sad about it. I'm sure he regrets feeling the way he does. His words echoed a lot of my feelings - he gave his word, isn't he breaking promises? Etc.

Weirdness. His next sentence? "I want to go see Final Fantasy today."

Okay.

Comments

[thespian.livejournal.com]

and they claim women are baffling.

*snug*, sweetlet.

[juliann.livejournal.com]

Goth, that is soooo timmie. He's the "I need to let it stew until I can speak coherently about it" (which I have to admit is part of his whole DID thing) and I am the "I'm upset and I don't know why and I am just going to rant at you until eventually the truth comes out"

It's pulling teeth to get him to express things too, because he never wants to tell me until he fully understands what is wrong. So like I may know he's upset and he may know he's upset. He doesn't know why. So he won't tell me. And that upsets me. Sheesh!

Thankfully we only have big fights about 3-4 times a year and they never last more than a few hours, or we'd go nuts.

We've pretty much figured out each other's usual problem spots (for me it's usually related to my health or being homesick or lately depression and being lonely because I am housebound; for him it's usually work-related or his guilt at not being able to support me without me working [isn't that adorable?!?!]). So since generally speaking "what's wrong" is one of those things, we've learned to just wait for the other person to be able to talk about it.

Whew, and I thought I would save the TMI for my own lj :)

Love and other commodities

[juliann.livejournal.com]

I made this as a separate reply because it's really unrelated to the other. I don't know about you but when t and I got married we swore that we'd stay together even if we fell out of love. Being married is about so much more than love. It's about partnership. You can have that partnership without love. My great-grandparents were an international arranged marriage and they had a very solid marriage. And eventually you wake up and realize that you ARE in love. In a totally different kind of love.

I think you guys are both pretty hung up on getting your needs met and are not willing to work things out so that you can meet each other's needs. And if you don't work on that, then yeah you can kiss that marriage goodbye.

I don't mean to be preachy on you babe, but this is the point where you either make an effort or give up. Me, I said for life..and I mean it. Even if I sleep with the rest of the world or even if we separate for a while to get our heads screwed back on straight...it's still about committment. So stop worrying about who is in love with whom. Decide what your *partnership* means to you, decide what your *vows* mean to you. Because there is nothing wrong with your marriage that can't be fixed.

But you have to decide /for yourself/ that you want to save it. And that you are willing to work for it. You say you don't have time now but that is you putting yourself first, not putting him or the marriage first.

Pick your priorities. If you aren't willing to put the marriage first then yeah, maybe you shouldn't be married. And /that/ has nothing at all to do with him or what he feels. That's you, babe.

Goth, I sound like a total bitch in this. But I hate to see you tossed about in indecision and buffeted by external factors when I think you can answer the first half of the question within yourself. If /you/ are willing to go the distance, that's your answer for you. If /he/ is willing to go the distance, or isn't, that's the answer for the future. And if you aren't willing, it doesn't really matter what he wants. You can't stay married out of guilt, you can only fake being married.

*hugs tight* tell me if you want me to call and chew you out live ;)

J

ObS: *I* love you!

Re: Love and other commodities

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, the problem isn't me being willing to work. I have been wrestling with this for a long time and my top priority has always been to endure, because promises are promises and commitments are commitments.

I don't necessarily agree that people should do everything they can to stick it out, especially if people are emotionally involved with other people (which we're not, but you know - well, except you, right?)

The bottom line, though, is that it was more than admitting the out of love thing. Like I said, I've known that for a long time and it was good for him to know it himself. The kicker yesterday was that it was rather obvious that he doesn't want to work on it. He wants to:

a) pretend everything is fine and do the fake thing
b) cut the losses and end things

So with those choices, I choose not to be fake, baby. Yeah. Wow, I sound so fucking self-assured in my LJ. Talk about a defense mechanism.

I was the queen of compromise for a long time. It's kind of angering to think that I've been compromising for a partnership that the other person wasn't really an active participant in. He was just pretending. Or so it seems.

And now I am writing things in LJ I said I would never use LJ for. So it's time to stop.

ObJ: Please stop lecturing.

[juliann.livejournal.com]

Spammy me. I know that you know everything I have just said. You're the expert baby!