Shower!

[judecorp]

I took a shower today. It's a beautiful thing and I feel like a human today. I hadn't showered since the whole bleeding thing because I was scared to stand up too long, but it was fine.

It's weird to live life in fear, because that's not my way. But I am so paranoid that I have either lost my baby already or are going to shortly. It's really all I can think about. Tuesday cannot come soon enough so I can know one way or another.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Keely. Scared is scared, no matter how "severe" it is or isn't or whatever. Besides, it's totally subjective.

It just sucks that this (bleeding) is happening now, because after three weeks of spotting, I was really "eh" about the spotting, like it's just something that happened. I was living my life, running errands, cleaning house, doing dishes, wasting time, whatever I wanted to do. Now I am passing on parties and I had to even freaking cancel my last day of work in Boston, which I was really looking forward to because I miss my coworkers.

I just want SOME kind of optimism from my medical team. I know they are being extra cautious because of the bleeding. I get it. I get that if they'd just noticed on Tuesday that Baby B was dead it wouldn't be as big a deal, but I had crazy gushes of blood and they have to prepare me for the beginning of the end. I just refuse to believe that is what is happening. But I have to take my cues from somewhere, you know?

I think that if things look good on Tuesday, maybe they'll say things look better for us. Maybe they'll be nice and optimistic and tell me to go home and be hopeful instead of going home and preparing for cramping. I just want some sort of professional to tell us we're still having a baby, that's all.

We just want a baby, dammit.