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judecorpI took a shower today. It's a beautiful thing and I feel like a human today. I hadn't showered since the whole bleeding thing because I was scared to stand up too long, but it was fine.
It's weird to live life in fear, because that's not my way. But I am so paranoid that I have either lost my baby already or are going to shortly. It's really all I can think about. Tuesday cannot come soon enough so I can know one way or another.
It's weird to live life in fear, because that's not my way. But I am so paranoid that I have either lost my baby already or are going to shortly. It's really all I can think about. Tuesday cannot come soon enough so I can know one way or another.
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Date: 2006-12-09 08:49 pm (UTC)Breathe deeply.
And remember that you're not alone in this.
My best thoughts are with you and your family.
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Date: 2006-12-09 09:40 pm (UTC)We are trying to hang in there and just be normal people. We just don't remember what that is like.
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Date: 2006-12-09 10:32 pm (UTC)"normal?" I don't think I know what that means...You're just doing the best you can, and that's all that anyone can ask for.
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Date: 2006-12-10 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-09 09:23 pm (UTC)As I was driving home, I had the most severe, most frightening pain in my lower belly that I'd ever had in my life. I thought someone was tearing me in two. It was so painful and sudden that I pulled my car over and sat on the side of the road panting and crying for about 15 minutes.
Laura, the one who was going to all the doctor's appointments with me, and so was one of my other girlfriends. I didn't know what to do, so I just managed to get home and I laid on my bed for a good hour. The pain eased off and at some point, Noah called to make sure I'd gotten home okay. When I answered the phone, he could tell I was crying and asked me why. I told him what happened and he sort of sounded surprised and when i told him I was fine, it was gone now, he just didn't know what to do. We'd just started talking again (he and I didn't talk for a while after I told him I was pregnant), and he wasn't sure about this whole pregnancy thing (and frankly, I think he was still sort of secretly hoping something would happen and the pregnancy wouldn't be carried to term).
Anyway, he told me to call him if it came back and maybe to call 911. I lay there on the bed, so afraid it'd come back, afraid that something had happened, afraid that I'd done something wrong, afraid that something would send me to the ER when my major support source was gone out of town and there was no way for her to get back to be with me. And as good as Noah and I are now, I did NOT want him to be the only one with me in the hospital if that happened.
The pain didn't come back and after about 5 hours of lying there, terrified, I finally got up and took a shower. The mere act of getting up and of doing something so mundane and so normal made me start to feel normal again after so long of being in fear, which is not my way either.
I'm not sure what my point is so much as a) you have a wonderful and amazing woman who is there next to you to give you the love and support and help you need (even if it's just doing the dishes and snuggling you when you feel alone) and that b) sometimes the best thing you can do is to start to take little steps to feel like a normal human so that you're not just cowering in fear all the time.
You are a brave, beautiful, strong woman, and you're going to do great. No matter what this world and this pregnancy throw at you.
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Date: 2006-12-09 09:44 pm (UTC)It just sucks that this (bleeding) is happening now, because after three weeks of spotting, I was really "eh" about the spotting, like it's just something that happened. I was living my life, running errands, cleaning house, doing dishes, wasting time, whatever I wanted to do. Now I am passing on parties and I had to even freaking cancel my last day of work in Boston, which I was really looking forward to because I miss my coworkers.
I just want SOME kind of optimism from my medical team. I know they are being extra cautious because of the bleeding. I get it. I get that if they'd just noticed on Tuesday that Baby B was dead it wouldn't be as big a deal, but I had crazy gushes of blood and they have to prepare me for the beginning of the end. I just refuse to believe that is what is happening. But I have to take my cues from somewhere, you know?
I think that if things look good on Tuesday, maybe they'll say things look better for us. Maybe they'll be nice and optimistic and tell me to go home and be hopeful instead of going home and preparing for cramping. I just want some sort of professional to tell us we're still having a baby, that's all.
We just want a baby, dammit.
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Date: 2006-12-09 09:25 pm (UTC)http://nodwick.humor.gamespy.com/cats/cats.htm
Two links I thought you might enjoy. xoxo.
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Date: 2006-12-09 09:37 pm (UTC)Also, that first one was kind of trippy.
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Date: 2006-12-10 12:41 am (UTC)Have you joined facebook yet?
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Date: 2006-12-10 02:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 06:43 pm (UTC)I've never been in your position, so I don't know exactly what you need and want besides love and support, and I'll definitely give you that.
...But if you ever want a distraction facebook is the way to go.
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Date: 2006-12-10 08:19 pm (UTC)Let's make a deal - if I do Facebook, you will be the first to know. How's that? :)
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Date: 2006-12-10 08:52 pm (UTC)Sounds good to me.
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Date: 2006-12-09 09:39 pm (UTC)I want you to know you've been in my constant thoughts and prayers. I know how hard it is to wait for the news you are waiting for. Tuesday is almost here.
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Date: 2006-12-09 09:46 pm (UTC)I guess I will keep taking showers if nothing else.
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Date: 2006-12-09 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 12:26 am (UTC)But you know what - I have such a strong feeling that it will all be okay. The baby that is still with you is strong strong strong- and here to stay.
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Date: 2006-12-10 12:39 am (UTC)I am visualizing and praying for a healthy, sticky baby. It has to come true. It just HAS to.
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Date: 2006-12-10 02:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 02:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 03:39 am (UTC)I cant imagine what you and jen are going through. My thoughts are with you. When Joy told me about that I was just so dumb founded. But, hang in there, and Let us know how it goes.
Good Luck. And try to keep positive thoughts =)
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jude & Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Date: 2006-12-11 10:38 pm (UTC)hugs
Date: 2006-12-10 05:30 am (UTC)Re: hugs
Date: 2006-12-11 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 08:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-10 11:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 02:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-11 07:08 am (UTC)i'll be thinking of you.
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Date: 2006-12-11 10:40 pm (UTC)