Child Care Blues

[judecorp]

I found a home day care near Jen's job that seems to be very nice and Punk could start right after we got back from Florida in April. Actually she could probably start tomorrow if I wanted it, but since we're going to Florida I think that's a phenomenally bad idea.

When all of this child care and going back to work talk was hypothetical, it seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea. We need money. I like working. Et cetera.

But now that it's like this actual probable reality, I am haaaaaating it. I had sort of fallen into the "oh, no child care centers have openings before October" notion and the idea of hanging with my cool kid for 7 more months was pretty stinking awesome... especially with spring and summer coming up.

I don't want someone to see my baby walk before I do! She may be nice but she's not going to wear my baby during the day and she isn't going to be able to rock her down to sleep when she has other kids to watch and it isn't going to be All About Punk. I am sad.

I wish I knew what to do. I could always continue draining the savings...

Comments

[starrchilde.livejournal.com]

This is something that I'm facing myself, though not in the immediate. We're discussing putting the kids into public school and having me go back to work because being a housewife isn't satisfying for me.

On one hand I'm thrilled that I would have the opportunity to go back to work and actually contribute to the family in a very tangible way (since I am a lousy housekeeper because its hard to be motivated to actually clean stuff).

On the other hand, this is our last baby and it makes me so very sad to think about putting her into daycare when she's only around 2-3 months old since the kids will be back in school and I should be able to find a job that will keep me busy.

We have discussed me staying home with her this coming year if the kids do go to public, then putting her into daycare full time starting the following school year, but even that makes me a bit sad. Too bad I can't just find an awesome job where I can wear her all day. Heh

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am not a good housewife. I mean, I like to have a clean house and I hate clutter so I guess in that sense I am better at being a homemaker than Jen is, but the reality is that I don't particularly like staying home to clean my house and make delicious meals while wearing an apron. I do, however, like controlling my kid's life. There, I said it. I like that we are the ones who decide how and when she falls asleep, how and what she eats, etc. Sure, in child care I can specify what she will eat, but they will make their own schedule. The child care provider will decide on her sleep. And that terrifies me. I am terrified that they will do CIO there.

I wish I had a job I could bring my kid to. But i know I would get nothing done, because she really is a full time job.

La la la.

[hoo.livejournal.com]

Can't hear you!

It doesn't count as 'babys first' unless I'm there to see it.

Re: La la la.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That's a good attitude! :)

p.s. Thank you for the marriage licenses!

[shanneeluee.livejournal.com]

Florida is awesome! ;-)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We are going to be in Orlando in April for a couple of days because the inlaws want Punk to go to Disney. :)

[shanneeluee.livejournal.com]

Dude! I live in Orlando and have an annual pass for Disney. I should meet you guys out there! ;-)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes! Bring the boys and make girlonthewire and the twins come, too!

But leave the scabies at home. ;) ;) ;)

[shanneeluee.livejournal.com]

haha! I think we're in the clear on the scabies front! Two treatments done in the last two weeks. :-)

Yes, Kim should come too. I've yet to meet her kiddos.

[hetterrific.livejournal.com]

It's hard. I am very fortunate that my job situation is very flexible right now so that if C is sick, I stay home, and she doesn't have to go to school. She isn't there all day everyday like a lot of the kids (there is one little girl there who is at school from 6:30am-6pm, and when she is picked up it's her nanny that gets her).

On the good side, C LOVES going to school. She loves being around all the kids. She takes crap naps there, but she's happy. We walk in the door and she smiles at her teachers and wants to play with the other kids. When we see her teachers when we're out and about she smiles huge and puts her arms out for them to hold her.

Sure they aren't me, but sometimes that's good for her. We are very comfortable where she is and it seems as though she's comfortable there, too. I think that's a big key to not feeling terrible about it. I'd *like* to stay home, but I think she gets bored with me/us and it's good for her to socialize without me.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am really glad that C has a good time in child care. I know that child care is not a bad place. I mean, I used to work in day cares and I am a good person, and I used to do a lot of EI visits in child cares and the kids were all doing well. You do what you have to do. I know this. And I know that Punk won't die in child care and she would likely even grow to like it. She likes new things and constant entertainment, and other kids would provide that!

It's just so hard. I wish I could do something part-time but part-time work would pretty much only pay for the day care itself. So that would be a huge waste of time (and money). I just feel like I would miss so much of her life.

Bleh.

[hetterrific.livejournal.com]

We're going to be coming into a situation where daycare will be costing more than I make, so do I continue to work as I am now just to pay for that or do I stop working and be a SAHM or do I work more hours to pay for daycare and have more money left over.

There is no easy answer for any of it. I completely understand your position and where you're coming from. We're here for ya!

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I faced the same fears you had when the time came for me to make my decision about going back to work and you know how that turned out ... Is there anything you could do from home to make some money and be home with Gus?
I think now that she's over the reflux and puking stage she'll do great and probably will enjoy the interactions with new babies. I might have to put Emma somewhere this summer while I go to school and I'm dreading it. Too attached to this baby.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wish I could think of something that I could do at home to make money. I wish I was a writer or something, or that I had some sort of talent. That would be awesome! I have even considered looking into working on the weekends somewhere but haven't found anything that isn't retail (and that doesn't pay enough money to justify working all weekend).

I think she would be fine at day care. She just wouldn't be with me. They wouldn't take care of her the way I do! Not that they wouldn't do a fine job, they just wouldn't do it my way.

Sigh.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. :( I'm not looking forward to this summer when I have to put Emma somewhere.

Oh, and I wanted to add that the fact DAY CARE is SO FREAKIN expensive whichever route you go just sucks! I was looking at spending 1/3 of my salary on it and that thought just ate at me. Our country once again should be ashamed of itself for not putting affordable child care for working parents.

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

I picked my daycare because she *would* hold my baby all the time, or at least a lot of it, and in fact he took probably half his naps on her or her mom in those first months - just like at home with me! She's not "crunchy", so I didn't even suggest wearing, but for her, it was just natural to hold the littlest baby (he was just 5 pounds then), and that made me happy. Now that he's older and needing more stimulation/development stuff, I'm looking elsewhere, but she was a great loving, nurturing presence when I couldn't be with him. She also clipped his nails for us and was great when he was sick, fussy, on meds, etc. It was great having a few more people to love him, to ask questions about his various rashes or odd behaviors, to give me feedback on him... he loves it there, but even better, he loves it more at home with us.

I feel good about it overall. But of course, I still also have the crushing guilt and sadness... 'tis a mother's lot, I fear. But for me, I know that staying at home with him wasn't a great idea, unless I had more money to be able to spend a significant amount of time at classes, events, shopping, or otherwise engaged. Me and him at home for days on end? Not. A. Good. Idea. For. Mommy's. Mind.

Finding the right place makes all the difference... and the right time - don't rush it if you don't have to...

HUGS

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

See, I feel like she and I have a good thing going at home. And even better when the weather warms up. We do a lot of stuff. It's not "All Interaction All The Time" but we try to go out every day, even if it's to the grocery store, and she has her run of the living room here so she has plenty of room to get into mischief. The child care wouldn't provide anything for her that I can't except for daily interaction with several children of different ages.

It's just money. As in, we have none. And even though my salary would likely go 60% to childcare, that other 40% would be that much money we AREN'T pulling out of savings every month. It just SUCKS to think that I would be working for that 40%, which would probably end up being like $3/hour or something when all is said and done. I hate the idea of being away from my daughter for 40+ hours/week to bring in like $800/month.

This is the situation I am in.

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

I hear you - I'd have rather stayed home, but the $ was a big issue. Well, not only the $ (without which we could not survive), but also the retirement, insurance, and other benefits. Just can't get that at home, and I'm too old with too little in retirement savings to put it off much longer...

I do hope to somehow manage to cut back my hours in time for when he's in school, so I can be there in the afternoons when he comes home. That's my compromise...

In your situation, how much savings do you have? Can you keep it up until she goes to preschool? Or, if you're going to have to go back eventually no matter what, then I'd just work to find the very best situation (job, hours, pay, daycare, etc) you can, as soon as possible, so that you still have savings available for something unexpected. But, then, I'm a big "have $ in the bank in case the sky falls" kind of person...

Have you considered at all taking in other kiddos? Up to 2 and you don't even have to be licensed, and you could make that $800 a month without ever leaving your kid's side! Then, if you got licensed, you could add a few more if you wanted... just a thought! :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It just seriously tears me up. I hate it.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

It is going to be really good for her to be socialized with other children. I know this is hard, but this is something you do for her too.

I'm sorry, by the way, that I missed your IM over the weekend. I did not see it until Sunday. We'd been feeling poorly all week so I'm not sure it would have been a great option for you, but I hate that I missed it. Glad you got to go anyway.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It just seems so freaking stupid to go to work to hand 60% or more of my income to someone else. Keep in mind that my HIGHEST paying job was $36K/year. Day care is $50/day or more. So it's so complicated... is it worth the tiny bit of money we would get to keep? Yes, we need money but I'm certainly not going to be rolling in it so it's tougher to justify for me. If I had a higher paying prospect out there, maybe I would feel differently if I thought we would be able to stop taking out of the savings (or maybe even put in!) or pay down debt.

No problem about the IM. I hope you guys are feeling better!

[dustyskinandall.livejournal.com]

Do you think you could find an affordable in-home nanny who would agree to babywearing and all that good stuff??

I wore B. for months when we were just walkin' around the house.

[lunamoonwmn01.livejournal.com]

I second this idea! Are you going back to work full-time or part-time? Back to an old job or new job? (not that that matters, I just was curious). I know a bunch of people in our local parenting group (attachment parenting) who are SAHM who nanny part or full-time. It's a great option is you need childcare but don't want a daycare-type setting. I also know others who do a "nanny share." It can work out well, and often is cheaper or the same as a daycare center.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I need to find a new full-time job. I would love a "nanny share" or other such thing, but I haven't found a group of parents in my area like you describe. (You would think so, but I haven't found one.) I have looked into having a personal child care person (either just my kid or my kid plus their one kid) and they want way bigger bucks than I can possibly afford. Unfortunately.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I could never afford a nanny. Unless they would work for peanuts while they lived in my house. And last I checked, even the live-in nannies want more than peanuts.

I'm a social worker and Jen works in an office of a small company.

[colleenod.livejournal.com]

we're facing putting j. in daycare in a month. 3 days per week. it makes me sad, but it doesn't make sense for me to stay out of the workforce. (a) we need my income b/c we live in crazy, expensive NYC and (b) being freelance, I will start losing me network of contacts if i stay out too long. i work from home so people are always suggesting i just keep j. home and work, but i know for a fact (since i've been working on very simple projects for the past month) that i get NO WORK DONE when i'm home with him. i mean, i get an hour or two here and there while he naps, but the work that i do doesn't usually allow me to get work done that way. and i can't pull all-nighters and still be there for him.

it's frustrating but it's not practical for us not to use daycare at least part-time. it kills me to think of someone besides me or L. being with him. they won't love him like we do. they can't possibly give him the attention we can. but he'll be okay and so will we.

good luck. it's such a tough decision.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, working from home with a baby sounds like it could work but I know from watching other people (and from having an infant myself) that you pretty much end up neglecting both things or not being able to fully commit to either. And that's tough.

Three days a week sounds a lot better to me than full time. Full time just seems like I will never see my baby again. That our mornings will be rushed, our evenings will be quick, and our nighttime sleep problems will be even more problematic.

Bleh.

[colleenod.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the little bit I've worked while taking care of J. full-time has taught me that I will neglect my work, and not J. That isn't good for my chances of getting more freelance work in future.

Three days per week is great because it means I get four days per week home with him. More days with me than in day care. I like that ratio. We have a pretty sweet setup for April-June. He will be in a staff daycare at L's school, so she can pop in and see him at least once during the day. It's very affordable, too, because it's a staff daycare, so I'll likely be spending about 33% of what I earn on childcare. Then, come summer, L. will be caring for him full-time while I work part-time. The only downside of the sitch is how early L. gets up for school and how far she travels to get there, so getting J. to and from daycare may mean it isn't really a good full-time option for us next year. But, we can see how it plays out. We will almost certainly be putting him in daycare full-time come fall.

The one decent bit of advice I got from Dr. Sears on the matter is that I shouldn't waste my time home with him thinking too much ahead to when he'll be in daycare. I should enjoy my time with him and give him all I've got. So, when I'm not doing the small project I still need to get done by April 1, that's what I'm doing.

I sometimes wish I had a lot of money and could stay home with him if I chose. But, hey, that's not how it is for me and I'm fortunate that I could stay home 3.5 months with him and that L. could stay home for 2 months with him and that I can afford to go back part-time for a few months after my leave. A lot of people aren't anywhere near that lucky.

It doesn't make it less hard though.

She will love it...

[(Anonymous)]

As tough as it is, Punk will really enjoy it after a while. Morgan gets such a kick out of being at "school". She waves and claps when she gets there, and she flashes big smiles to all the "teachers". I have to say, now that I am used to the idea, it is nice to have mommy time, and mommy conversation. And nothing beats picking her up and having her see you, recognize you and smile! Just make Jen drop her off in the morning, you pick her up and it will be all good!

(aka. Luv_bug from July07moms - valerieobrien.blogspot.com)

Re: She will love it...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Do you feel like you get to spend a lot of time with her? I think it's great that she is happy there and loves her "teachers." I really do. And I think Punk would love to pal around with other kids and chase them. And beat them up. I just can't imagine not seeing her. If she is in child care for all of the work day, then I would pretty much see her for an hour in the morning and an hour or so at night for five days, and then two days of all day. That seems like so little since I see her all day every day right now!

:( :( :(

Thank you for commenting!

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Could you get a part time job instead?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

If I did, it wouldn't even pay for the child care I would need.

Jen is working on getting a part time job and we will have to see what it pays. I don't think it will pay close to what we need, though. But maybe...

[sunshyne72.livejournal.com]

not that I have kids an no anything I'm talking about... but if you feel strongly enough that it is causing you stress (which it sounds) and you can afford it, I say stay home with her. She's your baby and if I were in the position, I'd stay home as long as I possibly could. :) Good luck either way.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's the "if you can afford it" part that is the problem. Otherwise it would be a no-brainer.

[dolomite2531.livejournal.com]

it's a tough one...we're currently living on one income ourselves and draining the savings for the very same reason. Good luck!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We have spent SOOOO much savings. It's really very scary.

[dolomite2531.livejournal.com]

yeah, I hear you....just do what's right for you and your family and you'll be fine. you know whatever that is. good luck and keep us posted!

[stapynam.livejournal.com]

boy, can i relate. i've even considered going into massive debt so that i can stay home for a year or two.

everyone tells me he will be fine without me, he needs to adjust, it will help us all in the long run, blah blah blah. all i know is that it sucks ass to be away from my kid.

sadly, i don't have an answer, only empathy.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We are fortunate in that we have a good amount of savings (because my dad died 2.5 years ago). The problem is that since most of the money came from my dad, it's not a renewable resource. (I am out of dads, you know?) So once it's gone, it's gone. And the more we spend, the less we have for emergencies, kid stuff along the way, etc.

And yes, it sucks ass to be away from my kid. Especially when I think about being away from her for 40+ hours/week. She isn't even awake all that long, you know?

[(Anonymous)]

i do know. i actually calculated how many hours per week jeb is awake so that i could get an idea of just what percentage i'm missing out on.

suck.

[gabriellag.livejournal.com]

What I would do if this was me (and you are not me, and all responsible and stuff, but anyway)...

1. I would spend the savings. I would be frugal, and I would look for opportunities to make money (I'm sure that there is some baby momma is your town that has a lot more money than you that might appreciate a progressive momma babysitter a couple of hours a week, punk could join you in warmer weather for trips to garage sales to sell stuff on ebay, you could put a donation jar on your LJ and post more, etc.) but really I can't imagine a better use for funds that your dad left you than staying home with your kid.

2. The majority of Americans live paycheck to paycheck with credit card debt up the ass and no savings. So even if you get to that point, you're like everyone else. Punk won't know, really. I'm not suggesting, blowing all the savings, but really, it's sitting there. It's a risk sure, but it sounds like one that you're willing to take.

3. This is totally a hypothetical to me, I don't know if I even want kids, but if I did I would want to stay home with them situation, so feel free to ignore me. :-)