Judecorp.

I went to church with the rest of my family, and then out to lunch. It was good to get out. Very very good. Except that EVERYBODY seemed to know. Aah well, the joys of Facebook. At least they mean well. :)

There was some sort of duet sung about being carried by prayer and lifted up and all of that spiritual good stuff, and it took a whole lot of effort to sit through it without bawling.

I am very thankful to and for everyone who has worked to pull us through this week. Going back to work tomorrow. A little nervous, but also eager for normalcy.

p.s. I love nap time. And the idea of having two kids.

I'd like to know more about your religious leanings. I believe you've mentioned the UCC church, which (if I'm remembering correctly) is the one open to everyone from atheists to hardcore jesus-freaks. Where do you fall on the spectrum.

Are your beliefs and Jen's beliefs fairly well aligned? If not, how do you work around that?

I was raised Roman Catholic. All my life, with 13 years of Catholic school to boot. And you know what? I loved it. I was really into it. I sang in the children's choir. Did liturgical dances with other girls in my class. Played sports through CYO (Catholic Youth Organization). Taught religious education. Was the youth member of the parish council. Was a peer minister in high school. Did a bazillion service projects. I had big church love.

And there were a lot of things the Catholic Church and I didn't agree on. And while there are certainly a large number of Catholics who believe in a sort of "Catholic Buffet" where you pick and choose what things you want to believe in and follow, I had too much respect for the Catholic Church to do that. I really think that if you are going to be a member of a church or religion, you really should be able to stand by everything they say. So I left.

From there I spent a little time exploring my pagan side. I enjoyed writing and doing rituals and liked the philosophical stuff behind it all, but I had a heck of a time finding community, because I couldn't really find a group of pagans that wanted to be more pro-pagan than anti-christian. So I went to the Unitarian Universalists, because they'll take anyone. I belonged to a great UU church in Bangor, Maine and then an okay church in Columbus, Ohio. And when Jen and I moved back to Massachusetts I conned her into going to some services with me. But we didn't really find a congregation in the Boston area that we really clicked with. So we occasionally went to the church in Quincy, or sometimes to Arlington Street. I wasn't really feeling the UU stuff as much but I love their youth program.

When we came here to Western MA, we again looked for a UU church to join. And again we just didn't mesh with the people. Most of the congregations were older, not terribly approachable. We went to one church many times and people didn't really talk to us. I wanted to switch churches but as Jen always told me she wasn't Christian, I didn't really know where we could both go. But later she said that she felt like UU sermons were like sitting in a comparative religion or philosophy class instead of church and was amenable to looking around.

I was really interested in the United Church of Christ because they have a strong social justice component (which I love about the UUs) and they do the Jesus thing without using Jesus to put people down, or persecute people, or whatever. They really seem to get to the heart of what Jesus was (at least to me) and have a kind of Jesus I can really get into, the kind of Jesus I really loved when I was a child. And that's what I want for my child(ren), you know? That "Jesus loves me" feeling, that idea of Christianity that is all about helping others and lifting people up and promoting peace. So I finally convinced Jen that we should check out this one particular church, and she agreed.

And I went into labor the night before. Oops. So that got put on hold.

We eventually went when Punk was about 3 months old, and as soon as we walked in, people TALKED to us. One couple came right up to us when we weren't sure what to do (we had intended to bring Punk into the service but someone trying to be helpful told us to bring her to the child care area which we were sooo not cool with) and just started talking about what they did with their daughter when she was a baby, etc. Just really welcoming. And there were young couples there, and young families, and LOTS of kids. It was just a real "Aha" moment for me, and I knew right away that it was the place for me.

I was concerned that Jen wouldn't want to go again because of the Jesus factor, but I think she realized how much I really wanted the Jesus factor and she did agree that it felt more like church than the UUs, and she wanted a church family to raise our daughter in. So we joined, and Punk will be baptized this spring. I don't know if Jen is as into it as I am (she was raised Catholic; her mom is Catholic and her dad is Jewish) but I think she is as committed to bring faith to our kids.

Yay!

But as for the spectrum... I consider myself a big fan of Jesus and Christlike living. I don't mean being a fundamentalist Bible-thumper, or in any kind of hellfire and brimstone kind of way. I mean living like Christ. I think he was the ultimate social worker.

A woman I know through the wonders of LiveJournal gave birth to her much-awaited, beautiful baby on the 17th. That beautiful baby died that very same day.

She and her husband believe in a just, loving and merciful God, and while sometimes I am in awe of their faith, sometimes I think I understand it.

Not today. I just don't understand it today at all.

I feel so sad and angry and awful for them. Where is the justice? The mercy?

Wow. Fussy baby last night and a good chunk of today. I've spent a LOT of time bouncing and walking. She's down for the count right now, though. Yay! I wonder if there's something that I'm eating that's bothering her? I didn't think it would be an issue because she gets so little of my milk but maybe I will cut out the dairy for a couple of days just to check. She's eating the same old formula so I doubt that's it. Please bring my Zen Baby back!

The humidity is out of control today, to cap off a little heat wave. It's theoretically supposed to thundershower out here tonight, and I do hope that's the case. Jen's parents are coming tomorrow and will be staying with us for about a week, and I would hate for the house to be sticky and miserable for them. We only have one window unit A/C (in our bedroom) and while we can certainly give them our bedroom to make them more comfortable, the whole HOUSE would be more comfortable with less humidity. Our house isn't that big and then there will be four big people and one little people. (And three cats.)

I'm a little nervous about the visit from the in-laws. I like my in-laws very much but we are certainly different people, and I get anxious anyway when people are staying over because I want everything to be perfect for them. I /especially/ want things to be perfect for my in-laws! I also worry that they will be uncomfortable since we only have one bathroom, and since the baby has been really fussy from the hours of about 10pm to 1am or so the last couple of days. Here's hoping everyone has a terrific time!

It's amazing how things change. I like to think that I don't change, but I'm sure I do because everyone does. Right? But I don't think I change that much. I'd like to think that the things that were important to me continue to be important to me, and that the standards I hold myself to don't change. I know that being a parent changes people's convictions and such, and that you can't set ultimatums for yourself and your parenting, but I'm hoping that I can be the good parent that I'd like to be.

The truth is that I've always worried that I would be a bad parent because I haven't had good parenting role models. I am terrified of being someone who abuses children - I know I could never hit a person but I know first hand that emotional scars can be just as difficult to heal. I hope this is just an irrational fear.

When I was pregnant, I took time out every night to say prayers for the health of my baby, and for my family and friends. Now sleep is such a precious commodity that I think I fall asleep even before I get into the bedroom. I've been really lax in the prayer department because of it. I need to get back on that.