Calgon, take me away

[judecorp]

So the formal offer came in from Florida and it's pretty much everything Jen wanted. My prediction is that she will be out of Massachusetts in a month's time. Sucks on many levels, but I'm especially dreading finishing all of Dad's house stuff by myself.

She has to make her official decision tomorrow and let them know. If she accepts and goes, there's really no need for me to keep that infertility appointment - I wouldn't want to go through that whole arduous and emotional process alone. I've been waiting so long for this, for the possibility of this, it's just... augh.

Having to afford a second apartment down in Florida would mean there'd be no money for airfare/visits.

So far, 2006's not looking so hot, either.

Comments

[estrange.livejournal.com]

So she's going to take it for sure then? You'll be staying & she's going to Florida? When will you move down there to join her? Can't you talk to her about it?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We talked about it all night, of course.

She doesn't know for sure, but I honestly can't imagine that she will decide not to. Having a good job and a career is so important to her, and I know she often feels like it will never happen and she will be in retail forever. So I know this is really important to her.

If she accepts, they're going to want her to go ASAP (obv, so she can start working). There's no way I can go anytime soon because I have to finish emptying out my dad's house/garages, and clean it up and get it ready to sell, then we have to put it on the market and since my brother is in Missouri, I'll probably have to do a big chunk of that. So I couldn't pack up and bail on all of that. And if I'm going to stay through the spring to do that, I might as well stay until June and finish that training course I wrote about. And if I'm going to stay until June, I might as well stay until July 1st so I can get my productivity bonus at work ($2000) - it would be foolish to do 11 months of work and then leave without the money.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Wow that really kind of sucks. I mean having a good career is nice but I guess it's a hard decision wondering if it's really worth taking & moving or not. Couldn't she find a job in your area?

That's terrible that you wouldn't be able to be with her until July - that's a really long time to be apart.

Couldn't you still keep the infertility appointment? You could just see your options after all. If you decided to do it you could get it done in Florida then.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

She's applied for jobs in Boston and nothing has really come through for her. She was putting her feelers out for jobs in Western Mass because we were supposed to buy a house out there this summer and relocate and start our family and all that but I guess that was too uncertain for her. (I'm not sure.)

I /could/ keep the fertility consult but I don't really see what the point is. I don't want to try to get pregnant in Florida because the political climate isn't great for us to have a family, and if I move down there without any sort of job, I won't have health insurance because I can't get it through Jen's work if we're not considered married. And I'm not sure if all health insurances cover infertility stuff down there - I know that here it is a law that insurance has to cover it all... but I don't know about Florida's laws.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize you had planned to move to Western Mass & start a family - that's a pretty big change to go from thinking that to moving to Florida. I can see why you are so upset about this, I would be too. So did she for sure decide to take the job then? I guess if she does take it maybe you could move to Florida just for a year or two. That way she'd get experience & be able to use it to get a job in Western Mass? If she hasn't told them yet, I think you really need to talk about this with her some more and ask about when she wants to start a family, etc.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

As for when she wants to start a family, we were supposed to start trying two years ago and we put that on hold to move here and get settled... and then we had made a New Years Resolution together to absolutely 100% try and hope to be quite pregnant by the end of 2006. This is why I made the fertility appointment, because we wanted to see what my options are so we could make an informed (and quick) decision about who would do the trying. (Jen's like clockwork so it's probably no big deal for her.) We were hoping that someone would be pregnant before summer.

It's possible that she could use the experience to get a good job somewhere that doesn't stink, but there's definitely no guarantee and I doubt we could pick the area so specifically (there's no way to know whether there are similar jobs to this one out there). It's true that we could postpone the kid thing for another couple of years, but that seriously breaks my heart. I feel like I've been waiting for 5 years already! I got married the first time when I was 23 and I always thought I would have a child by 25 - I wanted to be a young mom. To have gone through a divorce and postponed, then to have moved here and postponed, then to move down to FL and postpone? Ugh, I don't know how heartbroken I would be, honestly.

We're also legally barred from adopting children in Florida.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I saw a comment just made by your friend rizzo41 questioning if what you want is being considered here. I kind of agree with her. It seems like your voice isn't being heard. From what I am understanding, it sounds like you REALLY don't want to move to Florida at all - but does Jen really know this? If you're like me, and I know you're a libra so it's highly possible, you always put everyone else before you and feel guilty when you don't. All the decisions you make focus on others & not yourself. You don't want to tell her you don't want to move because it will hurt her, right? With this situation however, I think it's really important you tell her exactly how you feel. You don't want to move to Florida straight out tell her "I don't want to move to Florida". Tell her all the thins you've told me here. Maybe you could write it to her in a letter, I know that I can express myself better in writing. I think you should bring her to the comment you left me above and let her read it. Let her read the comment you made to rizzo41 too talking about how you worry about her & not getting the career she's always wanted. She needs to hear both sides. I worry if you don't tell her you will regret it the rest of your life.

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're going through this. But, regardless of how much I tease you, you are still YOUNG, and things will work out in time. Hang in there, chica.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know I'm not OLD, but this babymaking stuff could end up being a difficult and complex process, so the sooner we start, the better our chances for sure. I was always okay with not physically having a baby because I've also always wanted to adopt. But in Florida, unless things change sometime soon, that's not possible either.

Right now I pretty much just feel doomed on the baby front, which sucks because this is the first time in my whole life I let myself get excited about the possibility. So it's a pretty big letdown.

Besides, you're right, I'm OLD. ;)

[hope-persists.livejournal.com]

hey *hugs*

the valley and it's babymaking seduction will be here for a long time.

the two of you will be ok whereever you land.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Sure it will. But as someone who also deals with all of that PCOS crap, you know that postponing doesn't really get you anything but less chances.

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

I assume y'all have worked out the budget for two apartments (what do they cost in southeast Florida, anyway?) stacked up against her new salary. There are ways to get between Boston and Florida (and back) for cheap. For instance, I'm thinking about driving that direction for a long weekend in either late february or early april. Gas is 'spensive, but cheaper than air fare. Except maybe if you're willing to fly standby at 5 a.m. I've also heard of rental car companies looking for drivers to take vehicles northbound during the colder months. It's not like you don't know people you could stay with in every possible city along the way (Raleigh's about halfway, I think).

Good luck getting stuff sorted out. Let me know how I can help.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

We've looked, and we've estimated. Her new salary would offer enough cash to pay for another apartment but probably not much else (since we don't really have anything ever left over now).

Driving would be a cheaper opportunity, but not one that's terribly feasible. She'd be starting a new job and therefore unlikely to be able to take much time off, and I don't get a lot of opportunities to take time off with my job (a long weekend here and there, sure, but to take a week I need to spend the previous several weeks stacking my productivity), especially if I'm doing this training class and needing my weekends to keep going to Dad's house.

Honestly, if there was an easier way we'd probably find it, but right now I just don't see any. I could barrel down to Florida in a car, but a) I'd spend the whole weekend driving, b) I'd have to put off obligations to my dad's house, and c) I'm not terribly comfortable driving 18-24 hours by myself.

[happy2beso.livejournal.com]

"friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. if i had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, i think i should say, 'sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.'"

-C.S. Lewis

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what to say about this.

[happy2beso.livejournal.com]

Just a lesson I've learned the hard way. I've spent so much time chasing my career when what really is more important to me is my friends. I should have been making sure to be close to them this whole time because good, true friends are harder to come by (in my experience) than a job.

It's really sad to me to hear you guys agonizing over if you should live separately and if Jen should move to a place she doesn't want to go just so she can make more money. You are *married*! Can't you stay together in Massachusetts or at least stay together somewhere where you have close friends to support and love you even if it means a bit less money?

[happy2beso.livejournal.com]

I just realized this might be insensitive because I'm sure you've talked through all of this so many times already. Please know that I will support you in whatever choice you make. I just want to see you both happy and content. Perhaps the best way to do that would be to move to Florida.

You could still try to get pregnant even if Jen weren't there, i'd imagine..... get a baby going and then head down south? Just an idea. ;)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

get a baby going and then head down south?

That sounds a lot easier than it is. I'm anovulatory, and have PCOS and all kinds of other infertility crap that will make it so that this is not an easy process, and is likely to take a long time and be emotionally difficult (and possibly very disappointing). The idea of going through all of that alone - fertility drugs, inseminations, getting hopes up, probable failed pregnancy tests, etc. etc. - is not something that I really want to go through. Nor do I want to plan and conceive a child without my wife. Would that ever be suggested to other couples?

Please don't take this like I am mad at you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I understand what the quote means, just not why it was sent to me. I agree with you, Lara - to me, a career or a paycheck or whatever isn't worth much. I'm much more content to live here and be broke and be near my family. I don't care if Jen works in retail for the rest of her life. To me, no work opportunity would ever be worth losing my civil rights, moving away from everyone I know, and cutting ties (AGAIN) to people I care about.

So I guess I was a little sad that I was already feeling that way, 100%, and then got a quote from you that pretty much was like, "Hey, this is all a big mistake and I want you to know!" when in reality I feel that it really COULD be a mistake, and not a choice I would have made if it were my situation.

It's not an "if," it's a when. Jen decided and she took the job and she will need to move well before I am in a position to leave New England, for family and responsibility reasons. To me, the money's not worth it, but to her it is. Not much I can do about it but follow along when I'm able. And hey, then we won't be married anymore, so it won't even matter.

Re: Please don't take this like I am mad at you.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry.... it wasn't to make you sad. It was to say I agree with you 100% and you're not alone in feeling like some things are more important than career/money.

I don't think you're mad at me... and maybe I should have sent it to Jen, but I don't know Jen that well and I love you dearly and hate seeing you hurt. I think you deserve and should be with your partner and the woman you love...

I'll be hoping that something really good and surprising comes of this.


Also... I understand that the process to have a baby will not be easy, but I suppose I would/could make the same suggestion to another couple that was using donor sperm and IVF. It's not about you and Jen both being women, it's about the method you are thinking about for your specific situation. Which I suppose is closely linked to you both being women, but I really do think the same situation can and is found in heterosexual couples as well.

[dyketit.livejournal.com]

god im so sorry!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[volumeat11.livejournal.com]

...it's been like a week since I've read your blog, Jude, and I feel like a yammie...

If you and/or Jen need anything -- ANYTHING -- please let me/us know. Storage, fresh-air-place-to-crash, a ride to Freeport, some coffee...you name it. And don't feel like you shouldn't or can't ask. We feel for you guys.

Good luck...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

What on earth do I need a ride to Freeport for?

p.s. Thanks. We should get together.

[snack.livejournal.com]

let us know if we can do anything to help. i know this isn't how you wanted it to go but sometimes it can work out to be a good thing. :/

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'll let you know. I'm sure I'll pick your brain sooner or later.

It's possible that there will be good outcomes down the line. It just seems so awkward to me because we /finally/ were getting everything straightened out and going in the direction we always said we wanted it to go. We were on the cusp of selling my dad's house and coming into a lot of money and buying a home of our own in western mass where we would raise children in the happy valley with all of the other lesbians.

I just don't get it.

[snack.livejournal.com]

apparently you didn't get the memo.

let me repost it here for you:

MEMO FROM THE UNIVERSE

please don't bother to plan your life. you're really just wasting your time. i'll do whatever the hell i want - and if you don't like it - you can eat it.

oh, by the way, everything i do works out somehow. stop stressing.

sincerely.
the universe.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Heh. True!

[eight.livejournal.com]

There's a chance this anecdote won't help at all because you're in such a tough situation and for sure, I have discussed things like this to Lisa and we've been pretty challenged. But:

About a year ago, I was driving through a town in New Jersey with my bff and our camp director Linda. Linda's husband was leaving in about a month to go live in China for two years and she wasn't able to go along. We drove by one of the million-dollar apartments in the centre of town and she said, "That's where the assistant director of the Y lives." I asked where she was from and she said, "Maryland, that's where her husband is."

I naively said, "Husband? Why don't they live together?" And Linda said, "Because Jenny, if believe you're going to be together forever, it's okay to not live together for a little while. Sometimes you get a job offer and even though someone you love can't go with you, it might be the best choice for you." And I suppose she knew that better than either of us in the car.

It's still not easy, but if you put the years that you and Jen have been together, and continue that line on into infinity ... a stretch in Florida while not easy, might turn out to be insubstantial when you're growing old together. I wish the best for both of you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's not the living apart part that bothers me. Not at all. It's everything else.

Do you have anecdotes for that?

[cathboblet.livejournal.com]

Oh love. There's nothing I can say that I can't imagine you've both talked through a hundred times. So I'm just mentally hugging you with all my might and main.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, C.

[quinniepants.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry.
getting really excited about something and having that something disappear (even if it's a temporary disappearance) is fucking horrible. i don't think there's any real comfort to be had when you feel a loss like that. but yes, there's still time for these dreams to come to fruition. good luck.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your words and thoughts.

Right now I just feel like the rug got pulled out from under me. Just last week or so I thought it was all straightening out for us - we were going to start TTC and we were going to come into biggish money when my dad's house sold and we were going to take it all to western mass and buy our dream home. I thought it was all coming together.

I just don't understand things sometimes.

[quinniepants.livejournal.com]

i hear ya. believe me. especially the dream home part...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Come live with us!

[kiia.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you both hon. No advice here (whether that's good or bad, haha) but, well, *HUGS*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Just think how much closer I'll be when you want to visit. Sorry it won't be someplace cool like Boston.

[pantsie.livejournal.com]

*****good vibes for both you and kieron*****

I'm without advice here, but I think that Kieron is within her rights to ask for a bit more time to think if she needs it. You have already started the cost/benefit analysis, but more time can help with processing the emotional weight of the new information.

And damn that's heavy info.

We're rooting for the both of you!

*Hug*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

She decided to accept the job today, as predicted, so it's pretty much a non-issue. But thanks for the love!